Just Because

Is it Chance? is it fate? is it part of a master plan? That we are "given" to certain people in this World. that we are Children of certains, Friends with Certains, Lovers of Certains? And For What reason should life, at times be so trying? For What reason do we need to see hopes and dreams and lives shattered? For us to Grow? To Learn a lesson? Why must people suffer...any kind of suffering!? Why must a word exist?
I have tons of questions for my Savor!!!!

In our Suffering, is that humanity!? is that what brings us a brighter light? Turns our simple-mindedness into extreme ability to COPE?
I dont know!
Im not smart, Im a jumble minded Writer, who puts random thoughts together...its my outlet when I cant think Clear.

To every question theres not an answer but for every answer there is a question right?? I wish we could start with the answer and work our way backwards to the question. AHHHHH to Life. AHHH to complexity at its finest and simpleness at its purest.

Well I Dont always make sense, I leave people scratching their own heads, asking themselves, WHAT IS BECCI ON? And thats ok, thats me...thats my art! Writing is my passion, tho I have spent Years upon years pushing it away! Every now and Then it finds me again and I see a piece of it at my finger tips...unsure of where to go with it! So I just mumble in my Blog. Knowing that very few souls like me, will understand it and love it! Just because...

Even on my Weakest Days

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger





Life has a weird way of throwing in these insane Curve balls. I try to catch them, I try to juggle them, But either the balls, or my face hits the floor! This past year has been an extreme Eye opener. I've seen things go round n round, Ive had shit it the fan, I've fallen down, n picked MYSELF back up. I've hurt, I've cried, I laughed, I screamed, I gave in, I GAVE UP! But I've never walked away! Its never been in my nature to Do so! But here I am now at a cross roads. I face lies, I face tactful planning, I face smarts...I hear something, But I feel something else! It might not make sense to people reading this but...if only Walls could talk! HAHAHA then I might not be so clueless.....BUT FUCK THAT!! Im done being Clueless. If not for myself, I need to stand up for my kids. Show them strength, show them that theres a certain and right way to be treated. That theres a certain, right way to treat people, especially people we love!
This year! Is sure going to change my life forever. its seems no matter what road I take.....lessons will be learned, n earned , n hopefully Ill make it out alive!

being Heart Broken is never fun! But either is dealing with this bullshit~ Its always something new...thats repeating the same ole Ways! if that even makes sense!

starting over?? Where? how? I cant breathe as it is. I cant imagine life, I cant function! I cant see straight! I cant I cant I Cant.
In my head I keep batting back n forth! I keeppp Hoping...But maybe Im holding on to something toooo toxic!? too............Something!

Guess its better to have loved...then never to have loved at All!

ahhh my kids!

Im bored out of my mind here at 10:42pm, Wishing I could fall asleep but the quietness with out Matts snoring is a lil weird. Something sooo annoying like his snoring is truly missed when hes not around lol.

Just thinking about My kids tonight, n the wonderful, n sometimes extremely hard moments we go thru. Emily's attitude, n back talking, N Sophies Violence are a few that pop into my mind right now...If thats the case at 2 n 3. OOOO man we are in for it, at 12 n 13!! Which I truly find to be the worst thing...PRE-TEEEEEEN years lol. OOO how I remember them so clearly, I was the worst!! N just think, My Kids Are Half, me, Hald Matt...OOOO Lordy! But then mixed in with all that Sour, you have the sweetness too. The Funny parts. Emily n her grown up Phrases Like Using them to agree, disagree, or make you scratch your head on purpose. She says off the wall things like " I Heard that!!" After you tell her something, LIke Ex. " Hey Emily, I cant believe Sophies Going to be two in a week!!"...She Replies " I heard that!"...or another one is..."Ryan is Doing so good talking n standing huh?" N her response is.."Right?!"
REALLLLLY where in the world!!!??? This next one I know she gets from me, but its funny to hear her use "interesting" with one Eye Brow up when something Surprises her or makes her laugh! AHHHH me o My. My Children.
Then theres Sophie, with her Funny faces. Shes got expression DOWN PAT!! Her faces tell it all. Shes so theatrical in that sense too tho.Running around by herself Babble Signing to a wall then running to the other side falling to the floor to do a "donkey" like Kick into the air. then over n over again. Her Music Faces As she plays Guitar. The Way she interacts with Ryan, is precious. Melts me. Always kissing him, rubbing his head, n laughing when Ry Gets excited...WHO by the way has been getting the whole real Babbling going strong, He'll have dadda said out right in a matter of weeks, for sure! What amazes me too is the mere Smartness(word?) of Sophia. She has begun to use Signing on her own...with out prompting, tho not always on pt, but shes using it right, using it to tell me something. Like Tonight she was just sitting on floor playing with a few cars, looked up at me, signed "bath" 2 times, jumped up, ran to the stairs, n waited on Em n I to get over there. Meaning I want to take a bath now! I was SOOOO proud! SOO proud!


Simply My Kids are amazing! IM crazy in love with each n every one of them, n their crazy personalities, couldnt be more blessed. Wouldnt trade any moment, past, present or Future for a million dollars. Nor would I change anything about who they are, because they are PERFECT!

Joy to the World

The Lord is Born, Let Earth receive their King. Let every Heart prepare!!!

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing Glory to the New Born King!

Loving me some Christmas Carols. Tho Today we took Down all our Christmas Decorations, N Had to rearrange the House again! Because these Blessed Children of Ours Got more then they needed, or asked for!! Guess thats why its a blessing ( n thank you to everyone who helped Makes these Kids have a fantastic Christmas) So now the play room is back in the livingroom, n the Dinning Room Back in to The Kitchen!

Its been a crazy n fantastic Year, Matt n I were blessed with our Son, who was a surprise to say the least! But a wonderfully exciting Surprise. Hes amazing. Matt joined the Army, n left me Pregnant which made for an interesting few months. Our Big Move to California in the middle of the mojave Desert, has brought us a lil more closer as a family, which is always a good thing. We discovered the profound deafness of Sophia, n has been working up a plan of Action. We refused to Put Emily into this terrible school systems in hopes of MOVING AGAIN soon! Busy Year, Great Year. A trial on My Marriage, on Family life in general. I grow up even more, found my security has always been with in myself, Learned how to do things on my own. One thing in Common with Army wives, is we are basically Doing it Alone! Strength has been found on ALL levels.






Im excited to see what 2011 has for the Deckers, AN OTHER MOVE PERHAPS!!!??? I hope so. Success with Sophies Ears!!! I cant wait, EMily in School!!! YIPPPPPPEEEE, Ryan Talking n Walking!!!! My Certifications Finished so I can start Working!!!! Yep Yep!!!
2011 WILL BE WONDERFUL

celebrating life, likes, differences and handi-capables

In the beginning as life is being created with in you. You pray to God to be blessed, for Healthy babies, n healthy pregnancy for yourself. You pray for guidance, the power to be a good parent and the strength to recongnize mistakes, and challenges.

We were Created in the likeness of Christ. Some of us choose to live by walking in his foot steps, some try, n some dont. To each our own. One thing we all seem to share is that God is real, Im different then some, because I KNOW hes the real deal, n were it not for him I would not be here, let alone blessed like My family And I have been.

Life is gumbled up in crazy times, we make mistakes, we learn from them. We fall down from high up, but stand again to climb. We run fast, n slow down for the memories. We Talk loud most of the time, then whisper when its needed, because not all our laundry is meant to be air dried :)We will always remember where we came from as a child, n do our best to be different.

And Different is what We Got. 3 amazing little kids, all 3 of whom have the crazy personalities of matt n I combined...you did it mom you told me I'd have little girls like me n I did, n I like it, no I love it. Life as a stay at home is anything but BORING with these little girls.

The Lord knew who I was, n what I wanted to be. The goal n the path I saw for our family. He has allowed me to grow more in the last year and half then I have my entire life. I made some changes, n some changes I regressed...only now to wake up and start over on that change because its not the person Im supposed to be, n thats not the best version of myself. So Im on a path to find it again. Lord knew that if he was to send my an amazing little girl with easr that are perfect in her own world, n less then perfect in the eyes of strangers that I WOULD BE THE BEST MOM i possibly could be for her, and for her siblings as well. Sophie deserves that. Sophie will forever be deaf, but its not a disability. Its not sad, its not heart breaking, its not something to pity...she doesnt know any different, so why should we make her FEEL different? We shouldnt.
Strangers who notice, strangers who stare or point it out, are naive to the wonder and the beauty of it, in Sophies case and cases of other people who have the JOY of being handi-capable. I never want my daughter to feel any less of a person because she cant hear on her own. I dont want her to feel like its a disadvantage, because there sure are times I wish I had the ability to turn my ears off!!
Its something to celebrate, its someting to like, its something different, and shes more then capable of being successful in life, in school, in career, in love, in family...because her "support system" her family, her friends, her surroundings, WILL NEVER look down on her, or allow others to belittle her. I wont let any of my beautiful amazing joyful children feel different.

True perfection is over rated anyway :)

been thinking...

Sometimes in the heat of the moment we all jump to conclusions. We listen to what we are told instead of looking for the truth. We hold things against people that arent any of our business. We cringe n shutter at a mere issue, that we werent involve in because somewhere down the "telephone" line, things got changed n messed up, the story then false. Just like that silly little "telephone" game we play as kids, to see if the person at the end of that long sharing line was told "the truth". Things get mis understood. N, I for one feel bad. its happened to me.

Lately Ive been feeling as tho I am invisable. That people only included me in the gossip that I had no business being in. Stories all got changed, n my need to swallow it over came me. N im more n more regretting it. Here we are now, N im pushed aside, im lost in the shuffle of things, over looked, n not really cared for. N I guess thats my own doing. I stepped out of my norm when I came here to Fort Irwin, I tried to make friends, Something thats not easy for me, I tried to put myself out there, n climb out of the hermit crab shell I like to stay with in...n all it did was get me in trouble, hurt me, n make me feel like a bad person.
Nothing personally was done to me by the friend I pushed away, I took other peoples stories to heart in fear that drama would suck me in n i'd wind up doing something I regret.......yet!!!! It happened anyway. just in a different way.

Maybe Im being overly sensitive. Maybe Im seeing something different. Or maybe this something was never there to begin with. The people who I say our my few friends here on post...just maybe just maybe are not. especially since they got their group of friends they were missing back. Here I am again, outkasted......well at least feeling that way.

So here I go, cutting myself off from the world again, putting the lid back on my jar of "pitty me", n being the loaner mom, I guess I was always meant to be. I cant help but think, too, that this time of year is the worst for me. Holidays' n missing my ever so crazy family n especially my real friends from back home ( tho again they are so few...enough to count only on one hand)

Still, Im sad since losing such a dear Friend on Thanksgiving (R.I.P Ricky J Vidal I love you) t young age of 18...to yet another drunken overdose. It brings out all the sorrow in me...makes me think even harder, torture myself for making others feel worse about themselves, because thats not like me. thats not what Im about. N Im truly sorry, if I could take things back I completely would. Ive missed out, my kids have missed out, n IM an idiot. I CAN NOT WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT SOPHIES TEST ON TUESDAY N HOPEFULLY GET OFF THIS POST BY THE SUMMER, maybe I can start over. n this time be a real friend.

Because Im sorry...but I dont know how else to get it heard

what a mess

I have said it time and time again. You make life as happy as you are. So if you are not happy, then the life you lead will be nothing but short of happiness. If its love you seek, you must love yourself, Love God and search for it. If you already found love, and feel it slipping away, then working on it first and foremost, should be your top priority. If you are lacking something in your life, its your job to take a step back and figure out why...Life is not black and white, its not one straight line, its hard work, and you have to make the reward worth the work.

Theres certain people in my life lately that I have let go of. And not because they had wronged me personally, but because they seem to have been on a downward spinal, I can only say what I say so much, before its too annoying. I can warn, I see what I see, n Im not about drama anymore, my life is full enough of my own. So before I stepped in it, I cut it out of my life. Sure, this person may have needed my help, but when advice was given it went in one ear and out the other, and recent events have proven to me, that I got out just in time. So I give my help through prayers and thought. Hoping that the wake up call is sooner rather then later, but...

truthfully, I dont see that happening. Respect, for other people, for loved ones, for honesty, is all my life is about right now.

My family happiness comes before anyone else.

Fact of the matter I just dont get it. I dont get why people take something good they have and mess it up. I dont get why they think the grass is always greener...What ever happened to looking temptation in the eye and sending it packing???? life is as you make it right? You reap what you sow. N i hope that people get whats comin to them.

SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME~ Wonder why people get cut off...because they are toxic, irresponsible and self indulged in what makes them happy...But when you are in a relationship its always best to look at the picture as a whole~

Nothing is perfect, but no one said a relationship is perfect.

Plus...may I say that rumors spread like wild fire, some true some not. Its a game of telephone, people seem to hear what they wanna hear, and the story winds up trickling down the phone line all wrong...When does the maddness stop?? When the people the rumor is about, stops hiding and tells the truth for once~
But shelfish people get what they deserve, if not by us, then by a higher power.

At the same time, people may not know the ins and outs of a relationship, and I place no judgment however, I do know, that theres a right way, n a wrong way...people make stupid choices, and wind up...exactly where they deserve...Karma baby Karma.

I know this whole blog is spotty n may not make sense, but its therapy to me...I get it off my chest, and maybe even the people its involving may read this. N know that...they messed up big time. People got hurt, people are sad, and suffering... at your hand.

Looks to me like some people are a lot more like a chick they talked smack about all the time because of her constint infidelity n bad behavor toward a good man...then they let on~~~ ugh Im soooo frustrated and saddened. I thought I had found an honest to God, down to earth, truthful, reliable, and safe friend...N I was way wrong. Back to being the cautious friend finder I started to be years ago.