Mother May I? Break down this wall...

From The Shores of Oahu I have watched my children, run and splash. Breathe in the wonders of the sea. Soak in the Vitamin D, and Love every bit of the Gypsy (Military) Life. It has not phased them yet that we are movers. The Wind changes and we seem to be lifted off to new parts of our Country to explore. Change, so far, comes at them easily.
But This Traveler, I fear, worries about whats to come as they get older...


Worry!


Everyone who knows me, and knows our family, Knows we are worriers. From the moment they step off to school, off the edge of the pool, or onto the top stair...I worry.

But I do not pretend to be a great parent. I don't create False identities or fictional persona's of what our family life is like. I am not fake. Guarded Maybe, maybe too much at times, but not Fake. I speak on all aspects of life. The good the bad and the ugly. All of that and more. I try to paint the most realistic picture I can.


Everyone who knows me, and knows our Family, Knows we do not sensor. Much to many friends and family surprise...It works for us. We will always take into consideration the knowledge and if and how the impact will be. But we do not sensor. Our Children, know the appropriate use of such knowledge and Are pretty good and not exploring it. Ryan in his rebellious and pushing button 3's like to walk the fine line, but also knows the consequence. Granted, I am a push over as well. They each get away with treating me a certain way, and As they are growing, im learning how to better direct their negative reactions. Which is a part of Parenthood no. Parents will continue to grow and change and learn, and adapt, methods to their kids, individually and as a whole. A continuous juggle, but as I've stated before, our children should be our first priority. Sure...Love God, Love ourselves, Love your husband, love your kids. Our Children will be molded By God's Hands, understand Direction, experience love, be successful because We have taught them about respect and order. Allowing them to be themselves and witness acts that will help them grow into awesome adults. Already, I can see how our kids have blessed us, changed us, molded us even. I've seen the good things we've done with them. Again Ill speak on Ryan, even in these 3's that I dread, and Am So thankful hes my last 3 yr old for now...Has such a soft spot. He kisses any boo boo's he sees on me, old or new. Always says "thank You", sometimes "thank You much" even if its to wipe an eye lash off his cheek. He always needs my hand when out. Sophie will cuddle All day long. Rub my hand or cheek if Im laying down. Wants everyone around her to always sign thank you, when appropriate, and will wait there till its signed :P is mothering in her class, cares for little kids and babies SO much. Emily is reserved and kind, quite and example of nice behavior for her siblings when we are out of the house. Sure In public they have each had their Moments of "OH MY GOSH ITS TIME WE GO HOME" but Proudly I would say they are well behaved beyond our front door 94% of the time. Home...In their comfort and glory, yeah its not as rosey, no hand raising here, no mild manners. But I would take the "mother may I's" the "yes ma'ams, No sirs" "please and Thank You's" out in public over home, any day of the week. And we are thankful for that. We Do have great kids.

One thing I've noticed about Hawaii, is that people are just so inviting. Warm. Understanding and eager. I took the kids to get sandwiches the other day before our HSDB principal meeting, The woman behind the counter saw Sophie signing something over and over. I was distracted By Ryan and Emily talking over each other, when the woman smiled and said "Ma'am,Shes saying soemthing I don't quite get" Soph, was saying "green" something on the menu had caught her eye. I in my now regular guarded tone say "Its ok, Don't worry about it" like a snot lol. And the Kind woman continued to smile and said "oh but Im curious, I really would like to know, and know more" And in that second I felt a piece of my wall break off. "green" I said. "shes signing green" The woman looked all around to find something That Sophie was referring to, and was happy to help. 3 Times In the same hour, We were talked too about Sophie, IN A POSITIVE MANNER! Who would have thought. Washington was so cold in peoples demeanor that after those 2 years I started to become jaded. But You see, As HSDB Has worked its signing magic on Sophie, and as her Vocabulary expands greatly, we are holding more lengthy Conversations, and that in public. Its amazing How much signing Catches the Eyes of strangers. People should be naturally curious right? Not Mean...In any case, another Employee had stopped by our table to ask if We are signing because Shes deaf, or just because. Which of course made me giggle. I too was a young mom with Emily, teaching my baby to sign because it was the Hip thing to do. When I smiled and said of shes deaf...(my smile was a bitch smile, again I mastered in Tacoma)The young woman smiled back and said awesome, so is my little sister and its been really hard. There it goes again, a little piece of the wall breaking off. A bit later, there was an older couple sitting across the aisle from us. With them an man maybe just a bit older then I who rocked the extra Chromosome So wonderfully. (everyone who knows me...knows I have a soft spot for down syndrome <3)They stood Up after their meals and walked right behind Sophie. The Father Gently patted Sophies head, and made a weird playful sound at Ryan who basically stood up and roared at the guy LOL LOL. His Wife stood next to him, as I signed to Phi, "say Hi, and smile" because she looked very...confused as to why a stranger was behind her. Phi did just as I asked. The older woman replied "Shes deaf right? shes beautiful, they all are" Her husband giggled "you sure have your hands full" The nice way of saying "good luck" We got a nice "have a good night and God Bless" And a nice wave from their son.

All this in not only one day, but one hour, of me and just the kiddos. My My how the tides have changed, literally. I looked back at the kids, just us again at the table...And I knew that Matt and I, are doing a good job.

Are we perfect parents? Absolutely not! Our Kids will not be perfect.THey Will make mistakes like us, bad judgement calls, be tried and tried again and again. Will lose and win and fall and get hurt. Cry. Hurt someone. But they will also do great things.

Im a very guarded person these days. The Military life has created in me a much different idea of how life works. Having had kids and marriage extremely young in life, its a good thing the military has shown me. nearly 4 years an Army wife, which seems weird to me. Moving everywhere we have, living on bases and off. Taking away lessons from each and every City, town, or village we'd seen, has molded us. And Now, here in Hawaii, Where the sky is Always blue, and the air so clear, where people smile, and show support I may break down this wall...

Wind-la-lo-Wind

A day at the park here in So-Cal sometimes isnt as easy as 1,2,3. More often then not we hold on for dear life as we even try to pile into the Van. But We cant be couped up All day, everyday! And on those days I actually can get us all out of the house before something or someone breaks down and things go Terribly Wrong, We enjoy the Sunny life~

Then...we try to RUN! Run through that forceful Wind and well! Not always is it a success~

Other times you just Grin and Bare it~

Just put on a happy face and go with it~

We Sit in the Sun, and walk the Gravel. The Sandy Tone of Emptiness that surrounds us, Day in and day out! Climb up those Ladders and Enjoy that fearless Ride Down! Round and Round we go, till our little legs are all tuckered out!

Just another day! Just another Slide! But what brings a smile to our faces, is usually something just so Simple! So easy! So carefree!

And WHY not just smile! Just Because! Because it FEELS good!

Because At the End of the day! No Matter how Full, or how Boring! All we Have is our Family. Doesnt Matter what we do together, how much Money is in the Bank or what creditors are calling our line! We Have Each other, we and Sunshine! And Health, And Faith, and thats a good enough reason to JUST Smile! And as for that WIND...No Matter how hard it Blows! Still...We Smile!

Just another rambling GOAT!

Pixie Dust and balloons settle from the Family birthday celebration. 4 Years ago yesterday Emily graced us Early! LONG Labor, LONG birth, Family feudings, Meetings and Blow Outs. College Massacres and "HOLY RAINFALL BATMAN", Hurt feelings, HURTING mama, and one Tiny 6 pound baby wrapped in Pink! OK OK Ill Admit, Wasnt the most magical day I was dreaming it would be, despite the Drama...Emily was perfect! And I couldnt be more happy! After that day, YES that day I was full of shelfish-ness (rightfully so after having hmmm 10 people all at once in my labor room while in extreme pain and forgettfulness!)Life Drasticly changed. In my Mind, in my heart, in my personality and in my strength! My actions tho that day in pain, started a ripple effect! And Life as I once knew it...was Gone!...BYE BYE!

AS I look back now, at Events that accompanied! Words that were spoken and feelings that were created! I compare them to now! I think, Karma is amazing! I think no truer words were ever created then that of "until you step into their shoes you will never truly know" Doesnt make the pain or results of the past different, but for me it makes me think! I dont know about other people, I can only speak for myself!

You know! Life has a funny away of tearing things apart, and then piecing them back together later. Pulling people apart and reuniting them in the future. Changing who we are and turning FATE, into reality! Sometimes you have to let go, and go with the flow to get every inch out of life. Its not one thing, its not one way! Its not a list or chart or routine!
Life...is the Willy Wonka Elevators Of All Elevators! Doesnt just go 2 directions!

Im not perfect, IM not a saint, I Have many days of "ohhh FML" and "woe-es me" But Im human! Im Woman! Im a worrier and a complainer and pool of self confidence and lack of as well! And apparently, as POINTED out last night by a friend "debates" just give us women another reason to NEVER shut up! HA, we do truly love our opinions!

Today, Im sick! My balance is off from the ear infection, my head hurts, my nose is annoying and All I can hear are the kids spinning around the livingroom chasing eachother!. And that ok! Its just another day and in 14 more hrs a new day starts! But somewhere down the line till then. Ill bitch, yell, cry, hide, sleep, eat and play with the kiddos. And Be me! regardless to what happened 4 years ago! Life kept moving. Had more Kids with AMAZING births and felt the joy of what the day should be. Been up and down more mountains in life then most people ever climb and I wouldnt change that for anything! Because I know, when I look at each of my Children, and Play their story in my mind, it has molded myself and this family into what it is today. Not perfect, Not Royal...Plain Jane Ordinary but Spectacular to us!

Who is Emily McKenzie?

Who is Emily McKenzie?
In Short...me!....Heres Why

As she is getting older. I keep seeing more and more of me in her. After All shes the oldest. And it wasnt Just her for too long. Being only 21 Months old when Sophia was born. She took to the Big sister role Right away. I dont Give Emily much responsiblity at Home. She must clean her toys up, brush her teeth, clean up her spills...that about sums it up. Its when we go out, especially to the park or someones home where they go off an play, that I tell her "its your job to keep Sissy safe, to help her and show her things and make sure friends are being nice to her". Well that role has spilled over into our house. to the point where I hear my own mothers voice coming out of me..."I am the mom you are not"...those dreaded moments where all of a sudden you are brought back to your own childhood.
Emily McKenzie as sweet and funny as she is...is Bossy! Bossy! Bossy! Which also happens to be the most used Word by her, inregards to Matt and I parenting her :/

On the positive side. Shes super quirky just like me. Singing at random times, her own lyrics. Talking to herself. Saying weird things like "im all alone...Im all alone I cant find my kids, that makes me alone" at random times...with a very sad look on her face.

She Just reminds me soo much of myself. Its kind of funny! Shes such a doll. Wants so much to be loved and cared for. Wants to hear it and feel and see it! She wants to make sure shes never forgotten about.
My little me is turning 4 on Sunday! That amazes me! 4...really 4!!!??
Im so thankful for her. Im so Blessed. She changed my life. She changed me and made me a stronger person. She will always be My Emmiepoo.

The Lion the Witch and the Elephant in the Room...?

Gathered in a room full of people...Its loud. Lots of movement.When through the Crowd pops out A little girl. All Smiles. All hyper. Ready to party her tush off. People Smile at her, say her name. Speak to her...and then wonder..."does she not care?"..."maybe she doesnt like me" All the while not paying attention to the Signs at hand. "ohh shes Deaf" surprised pitty faces stare blankly back. Silently thinking "now what do i say...hurry either ask a question or change the subject". Its Obvious then...theres an Elephant in the room.
Happens more then one would think. The Silence (no pun intended)forms a wall of tension and uncertainty. Hmm? Some think. How is it shes deaf...her parents are not. Her brother and sister are not. But they are sometimes scared to ask what happened.

The Witch, How we've come to know her very well. She sits day in day out, sleeping, Cleaning...doing her witchy routine. At the very sound of hardship, or evilness, she reveals her self. She defends life. She defends the right to be free of bullying...the hackling snarling green witted sense of humor...has thus changed. Certain things are not as funny anymore.

The lion...this lion is not so cowardly. He stands his ground when called upon, but for the most part, Lays still and quiet in the brush. Annoying the young and females now and again just to make his presense known. Hes a fighter, a leader, a provider. A great influence and loved dearly by his cubs that TAKE JUST AFTER HIM!

As for that elephant...it still lingures. It roams and pops out now and again.In Different rooms where new questions come up, or when People scratch their heads wondering..."if shes deaf then why is she dancing to the music? why does she act with a mic and a guitar in hand? Why does she laugh at the Movie?"...
What we have learned is that reality, is a hard thing to swallow. Tasteless,mostly...Bitter at times. Sweet with every inch of laughter. Sometimes Burning as it drips down the back of your throat, swelling your eyes. Its our reality, Elephant or not...We've learned to live it, and take nothing for granted!