Mother May I? Break down this wall...

From The Shores of Oahu I have watched my children, run and splash. Breathe in the wonders of the sea. Soak in the Vitamin D, and Love every bit of the Gypsy (Military) Life. It has not phased them yet that we are movers. The Wind changes and we seem to be lifted off to new parts of our Country to explore. Change, so far, comes at them easily.
But This Traveler, I fear, worries about whats to come as they get older...


Worry!


Everyone who knows me, and knows our family, Knows we are worriers. From the moment they step off to school, off the edge of the pool, or onto the top stair...I worry.

But I do not pretend to be a great parent. I don't create False identities or fictional persona's of what our family life is like. I am not fake. Guarded Maybe, maybe too much at times, but not Fake. I speak on all aspects of life. The good the bad and the ugly. All of that and more. I try to paint the most realistic picture I can.


Everyone who knows me, and knows our Family, Knows we do not sensor. Much to many friends and family surprise...It works for us. We will always take into consideration the knowledge and if and how the impact will be. But we do not sensor. Our Children, know the appropriate use of such knowledge and Are pretty good and not exploring it. Ryan in his rebellious and pushing button 3's like to walk the fine line, but also knows the consequence. Granted, I am a push over as well. They each get away with treating me a certain way, and As they are growing, im learning how to better direct their negative reactions. Which is a part of Parenthood no. Parents will continue to grow and change and learn, and adapt, methods to their kids, individually and as a whole. A continuous juggle, but as I've stated before, our children should be our first priority. Sure...Love God, Love ourselves, Love your husband, love your kids. Our Children will be molded By God's Hands, understand Direction, experience love, be successful because We have taught them about respect and order. Allowing them to be themselves and witness acts that will help them grow into awesome adults. Already, I can see how our kids have blessed us, changed us, molded us even. I've seen the good things we've done with them. Again Ill speak on Ryan, even in these 3's that I dread, and Am So thankful hes my last 3 yr old for now...Has such a soft spot. He kisses any boo boo's he sees on me, old or new. Always says "thank You", sometimes "thank You much" even if its to wipe an eye lash off his cheek. He always needs my hand when out. Sophie will cuddle All day long. Rub my hand or cheek if Im laying down. Wants everyone around her to always sign thank you, when appropriate, and will wait there till its signed :P is mothering in her class, cares for little kids and babies SO much. Emily is reserved and kind, quite and example of nice behavior for her siblings when we are out of the house. Sure In public they have each had their Moments of "OH MY GOSH ITS TIME WE GO HOME" but Proudly I would say they are well behaved beyond our front door 94% of the time. Home...In their comfort and glory, yeah its not as rosey, no hand raising here, no mild manners. But I would take the "mother may I's" the "yes ma'ams, No sirs" "please and Thank You's" out in public over home, any day of the week. And we are thankful for that. We Do have great kids.

One thing I've noticed about Hawaii, is that people are just so inviting. Warm. Understanding and eager. I took the kids to get sandwiches the other day before our HSDB principal meeting, The woman behind the counter saw Sophie signing something over and over. I was distracted By Ryan and Emily talking over each other, when the woman smiled and said "Ma'am,Shes saying soemthing I don't quite get" Soph, was saying "green" something on the menu had caught her eye. I in my now regular guarded tone say "Its ok, Don't worry about it" like a snot lol. And the Kind woman continued to smile and said "oh but Im curious, I really would like to know, and know more" And in that second I felt a piece of my wall break off. "green" I said. "shes signing green" The woman looked all around to find something That Sophie was referring to, and was happy to help. 3 Times In the same hour, We were talked too about Sophie, IN A POSITIVE MANNER! Who would have thought. Washington was so cold in peoples demeanor that after those 2 years I started to become jaded. But You see, As HSDB Has worked its signing magic on Sophie, and as her Vocabulary expands greatly, we are holding more lengthy Conversations, and that in public. Its amazing How much signing Catches the Eyes of strangers. People should be naturally curious right? Not Mean...In any case, another Employee had stopped by our table to ask if We are signing because Shes deaf, or just because. Which of course made me giggle. I too was a young mom with Emily, teaching my baby to sign because it was the Hip thing to do. When I smiled and said of shes deaf...(my smile was a bitch smile, again I mastered in Tacoma)The young woman smiled back and said awesome, so is my little sister and its been really hard. There it goes again, a little piece of the wall breaking off. A bit later, there was an older couple sitting across the aisle from us. With them an man maybe just a bit older then I who rocked the extra Chromosome So wonderfully. (everyone who knows me...knows I have a soft spot for down syndrome <3)They stood Up after their meals and walked right behind Sophie. The Father Gently patted Sophies head, and made a weird playful sound at Ryan who basically stood up and roared at the guy LOL LOL. His Wife stood next to him, as I signed to Phi, "say Hi, and smile" because she looked very...confused as to why a stranger was behind her. Phi did just as I asked. The older woman replied "Shes deaf right? shes beautiful, they all are" Her husband giggled "you sure have your hands full" The nice way of saying "good luck" We got a nice "have a good night and God Bless" And a nice wave from their son.

All this in not only one day, but one hour, of me and just the kiddos. My My how the tides have changed, literally. I looked back at the kids, just us again at the table...And I knew that Matt and I, are doing a good job.

Are we perfect parents? Absolutely not! Our Kids will not be perfect.THey Will make mistakes like us, bad judgement calls, be tried and tried again and again. Will lose and win and fall and get hurt. Cry. Hurt someone. But they will also do great things.

Im a very guarded person these days. The Military life has created in me a much different idea of how life works. Having had kids and marriage extremely young in life, its a good thing the military has shown me. nearly 4 years an Army wife, which seems weird to me. Moving everywhere we have, living on bases and off. Taking away lessons from each and every City, town, or village we'd seen, has molded us. And Now, here in Hawaii, Where the sky is Always blue, and the air so clear, where people smile, and show support I may break down this wall...

What it might come down to

You know Us Deckers here have a way of always figuring things out. Some times with Help, Some times just by the Skin of our knees. More often then not we put out each month more then we bring in. And by WE I mean Matt. While it is a blessing That I am A SAHM and That every Job Matt has ever had has allowed that to be possible, it also has a lot to do with the fact that If I were to work...I'd just be paying the sitter and Gas. So What good is no face time with my kiddos if I still dont have the means to help support their ever growing feet, legs, ears...
As December has now arrived, Im thinking about the new year coming up. What needs to change, what can be changed, how things can be changed, if things can be changed. Things were a tad easier when All my kids were tiny. While they are still small, everything else about them is bigger. Can we truly continue down this pay check to pay check life style and provide? No, not really.
I find it tacky to talk about money problems and our down and outs in public. But today, as I vent and sort out whats in my head by writing it down. It seems to be helping clear out the mindly junk. BUT its not going to fix our sour situation.
Last Month we went from A HUGE mistake made on part of Western Union, and bill collectors calling to...Having a bank that hasnt fixed the problem but made it possible for us to continue life. TO our life information being stolen from the car of a Tri-care worker. Tri-care is our insurance company, to having to borrow $$$ when I knew that eventually all that was borrowed would have to be paid back, and then what....same poor boat. Allotments on checks, and now......NO CAR for the kids and I to all be in together. Which means.....if Seattle calls to set up therapy appts before the February surgery, we are screwed. Still the collectors call as our Bank account reaches $6 dollars that of course has to keep us a float in our boat till the 15th when we reach a new pay day. Now lets think...positive. If we didnt live in military housing, where even our electic and gas is paid for (unless we go over our alloted amount) we'd be living in a car, OH WAIT WE DONT HAVE ONE...so a tent made from sheets and blankets. Making this Traveling Family, even more true Gypsies.

So from the bottom of my heart to my family who has helped us this year it means the World. To the Family who has purchased Christmas Gifts for our Children, It wouldnt be a Christmas with out the kindness you have shown for us. And I thank you truly.

Its Funny because there is a possiblity of things changing for us. But it involves paper out of my husbands control really. If we had a chance to get it, The way we would use it, to make 2012 NOTHING like 2011 has been would work wonders for this family of mine. Im talking, Getting a paid off car, paying off insurance, removing allotments from his Check, getting the kids real beds and real shoes and coats, paying off student loans. Goodness that would mean when we get paid every two weeks, we actually have money! But its a pipe dream because it involves having a special someone change her mind about...me...Emily and change who she is. Which come on, thats a hard enough task for a 3 year old to manage. I just pray that this coming year will be different. SO much else will be changing with our kids...Hearing, School...sports. We have job security at the moment. Now I want The security of knowing when Pay day comes, we dont have to not get this, because we have to pay that. Or worry that our door bells going to ring, and someones taking back unpaid for property.
2011 has been way too hard. It has to change. We need it to change. We need prayer. We NEED PRAYER~ I keep asking for prayer requests.
Prayer, because Something Powerful and meaningful has to be out there for us right? There has to be a good no string attachment angel waiting for us around the corner right? RIGHT?

It comes down to prayer.
It comes down to Faith.
It comes down to Hope.
It comes down to Starting out 2012 clear mind, a little less debt free and on the right foot.





So I pray Lord.

Gypsy do da deaf

Meet a Wonderful Family this afternoon. Their Daughter whos just about one. Was Born Deaf. Shes beautiful. Precious and Ready to take off and start walking soon. Loud and a scream just like Sophie, which kept making me SMILE! It was wonderful, to sit and talk Mommy to mommy about our daughters being Deaf. Having the same ideas about it, about implants, school, sign language and Life in general for all our children.
Its so wonderful having someone in a similiar situation to talk to now! Our kids seemed to get along WONDERFUL and She (the mommy) was great! I look forward to more play dates.

Washington, isnt everything I hoped it to be. The traveling is still going to be a ton since, would you know it, this place actually doesnt have speech therapy on post like I believed. Not that Tacoma, or even Seattle is as for as things were in Cali, but...still. While Im glad to be close to real life, it still baffles me. Army is supposed to be...Ugh I dont even know. They are supposed to make things easier on families...at least I thought.
Another thing that baffles me is Audiologists, out of the hmmm 6 total audis and Doctors we've seen...1 knew a decent amount of Sign language. Even if you arent fluent, as someone who is hearing specialist and sees people with all ranges of loss, Wouldnt it be beneficial to learn more then 4 words??? Or so this mom thinks! lol.
Shouldnt it be a given, that caution signs, are plentiful and easy to put up. So when moving a family into a home, on post that you know has some disablity, why cant they just put up the MUCH needed caution signs, instead of making us Go fill out YET MORE PAPER WORK.

Thankfully, I havent seen too many crazy drivers yet, speeding down our block, but theres that chance ya know? Not that too many people pay attention to road signs anyway. At least Here in Washington. Sadly, we've been several places, busy cities and snow bird paradises where transplants from all over WORLD move to. Yet Washington BY far, WORST DRIVERS EVER! Id take freaked out Phoenix drivers in Monsoon season over the high ways here! LMBO! YES freaked out Phoenix drivers, as I witnessed because of lack of Rain...native Phoenix drivers mistake the blinker for wipers (and Visa Versa)in a storm and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SWERVE ALERT!!!!! cursing and hands thrown up into the air! BAHAHAHA.


The sad truth is that I feel as though My mind will never belong to a town I want to stick to. Might as well Buy an RV and call it home. WHEN WILL I BE SATISFIED? The only place I can ever say That I didnt want to run from until news about a baby growing in me Was Sumner! Funny huh? A Small, as middle of Crops, humdinger of a town. 30 mins away from the closest Kmart or Walmart, 1 cafe and 1 tiny 1 roomed movie thearter. Simplisity at its finest. BUT SUPER COLD COLD WINTERS! OUCH! It totally beat out Stupid DES MOINES AREA! I hated that town we lived in NEWTON! IT needs to fall off the map!




I wish I had a concrete plan, and Idea, and Knowledge of what it is we need to be doing, and where we need to be~ Cant just follow my heart...its been too many places to just pick one