Tropical haze

Courage, sometimes is the very least of my assets that show through

I am the poster child of being all bark and no bite. Truly. I'll talk a big game, but then All I do is shake like a min pin.

Some would say that it takes courage to have moved as many times as we have, especially those times with out the army aide.

Some would say that it takes courage to have a special needs child.

Its not courage, or strength really, its love. I would not change anything about where we have been or who Sophie is. Her deafness

doesn't make life harder, but enriches us. Our journies have not scared us, but molded us.

Was there a moment when we were sad by Sophie's profound deafness, sure, the very first day it was made for sure.

Were we ever scared about one of our moves...well in a sense, dude I hate FLYING!





What scares us more, and what has stired a sense of courage has been this newly adverse moment; where we are dealing with a school that has been nothing but...disappointment.

The Same school I talked up, the same school we had joy and hope and excitement for.

We have sat back a bit, and watched as week after week, Sophie has been involved in some form of "accidents"

With exception of vague FB status' and speaking with class room moms and our close and personal friends and family, We have been relatively quiet.

But things have been off about these marks and bruises since week one back in august. Even some stories are odd.

In the beginning it was extremely hard to not think that there was some kind of trouble mixed between the aides in class and the students. Sophies lack of ASL at the start of school, made understanding what was truly happening even tougher. She couldn't explain who or what was the reason.
The one good thing that has come out of the school is her expanded ASL understanding, she signs so well, so advanced now, so quick. And is able to explain what had happened at school. Not so much, why...or what led up to it, but, what did occur. Which led to the true discovery that theres a rough, very rough kid in the class. One Sophie likes, and claims to have a good friendship with, they both were batman for halloween at school and have the same exact lunch box.

We would have conversations with the teacher about theres mysterious bruises. Or "accidents". There would be different stories floating around about what took place. But it always got boiled down to them saying that because shes an over achiever, other kids and her compete. She has the incessive need to be first (we are working hard on that) and that that mentality has now created a bit of a competive and rough atmosphere for her. Which in a sense, Im then reading between the lines, that they are pretty much saying that Sophies personality is "ASKING FOR THIS". That its creating confrontation in the class room.
We know where our kid faults, the being first thing, the being bossy, the being nosey, the been stubborn...its both Matts and I's DNA! lol. Still, we also know her attitude around other students, in public, and with her friends. And it does not correlate.

The one BIG accident besides this very last one from friday, that still doesn't sit well with me, is the one where I got a call saying Sophie had been pushed into a counter resulting in a nose bleed. The office then told me it took them 20 minutes and an icepack to get it to stop bleeding. I was told, that A student couldn't see the oven they were baking in and pushed her out of the way, and her being close to the counter...well...yea. BUT Sophie, who has no true understanding on how to lie or what lieing is, or any reason to "story tell" Had said that this student, first Elbowed her, and then Sophie demonstrated to the degree of force used as he then pushed her. Then funny eough used Emily as a prop! ;) to show me again. It has led me to believe that theres no control in the class, the kids are able to bicker and duke it out as they please, resulting in these types of accidents. If they had been "fighting" over the space in front of the oven. And An elbow was thrown, wouldn't someone have noticed it first? So one would assume. But thats not what they want to be told. They don't want to be told, they are careless, and that they need to actually watch the students, not sit and doodle on their cell phones or gossip in the corner with each other.
We leave the lives of our children in the hands of these ppl, and theres no urgency to keep them all...In line...I know We are not the only parents who see this...
Fridays call...Even the nurse was like..."umm yea it looks bad, shes ok, I gave her ice, shes not crying, but its big" Said Sophie was being chased by another student, while playing tag at recess. Sophie was looking behind her and running fast, and smacked her check into the pole (on the jungle gym I assume) The bus driver, who has to ask about any innocent she sees on a student getting on the bus, was told the same thing I was...Sophie was being chased...Sophie when she stepped off the bus and I saw to the level of how bad her face was, shook my core. I couldn't stop tearing or shaking. Sophie told me her friend was running with her and then bam, hurt. Soon after her getting home, I received an email about Sophies cheek. Saying that NO, Sophie was doing the chasing, and chased the student up the pole, and trip because she wasn't looking at where she was going was looking at the student, that she then got up and blamed the student for her getting hurt, but that the aides told her it wasn't the students fault, then the email continued saying she was then blaming the wrong student....Doesn't make any sense...everything is conflicting. And because this isn't the only conflicting story of an accident, and because We aren't the only family feeling lied too, I've taken it into my own hands this time, and have called, The Department of Education, the special education Complaints department and the Honolulu school district head super. And Currently waiting to hear back about if, and what kind of action will be taking place...
We are tired of fearing sending her to school, especially being far from her. We are tired of her fearing getting on the bus and having to be picked up and buckled in while screaming and crying...

Im scared about the way she will be treated after the principal and teacher are given word on the actions taken this time. Im worried about them not doing anything about these situations, Im worried about the fact that if things don't go better the only choice we have is to remove her from school completely. Either to have her enrolled in the oral school thats closer after the new year (which Again we are scared her ASL and thus learning will suffer) or completely take her out, till next year, and I home school her. Either way, action will be taken before the end of this Calender year...which needless to say is coming to a close very quickly.



We had such joy coming to Hawaii, This tropical paraside and sun, fun and beaches. Made them find us a military home as close to the school as we could, which also lets us be close to downtown and fun beaches. Close to Uncle John, whom Sophie always talks about, asks for and completely adores. We love the fabulous happy go lucky mentality of Hawaii, we think its beautiful here, lots to do, lots to love and admire...but with this School issues and our littlest girl being hurt every week in one way or another...we seem to be stuck under this tripical haze...

These are the same bruise from the beginning of the school year

This is from her being kicked

lol don't mind her spidy undies


this is from her being pinched by another student, though the teachers and aides say they never see a student pinching, and then told me well, actually they have been concerned with how rough Sophie has been with students. WHICH PISSED ME OFF. Its something I've been saying would happen if these accidents don't stop happening, shes 100% a watcher, then a doer...and shes gonna fight back. Shes going to think its ok, and repeat and repeat, I said I don't want my child to be that kid. Its not how we are raising our kids. But of course...Now all they see is Sophie defending herself. Of course...because I haven't kept my mouth shut to the teacher about the bruises...now they are pointing fingers at her again, IM SORRY BUT ALL THIS ISN"T SOPHIES FAULT ALONE! She doesn't ask for it, like they implied and she doesn't deserve it. Im feeling like targetted.

lastly this is from Friday's accident, then the crown one I took to document how the eye is changing, and then the last pictures, are from today, and you will notice that the bruise is now being seen up the side of nose and onto the top of her upper eye lid. How does one hit that hard, for this to be the resutl, shes 4...and not a track star speedster...

We are praying things change for the better, Our Poor Sophie is going to remember this as her first deaf school experience.

We now can't wait to leave the island, to get to better schools, to be where we don't fear for our kids...I'd happily shorten our stay here on the island...or fast forward to 2016...Just feel like a failing parent and Hate that.

Husband says this all the time

"You never realize how good things were, until you no longer have it"
My Husband is a smart man. An extremely hard worker. He loves his family and does what he can to make sure we are all happy and safe. So he knowing the trouble we are having in a very important matter, Hurts.
Having Moved so many times. Having seen friends and family go through different school systems because We have luckily found life long friends in every place we have lived, We can kind of get the feel to what schools work and why. Hawaii Is now our families 2nd school district for our own kids.
In the DOD school system on base in WA. While Emily's school didn't have the best ratings, her teacher was FANTABULOUS! Loved him. She was half day, and I still do not get how he managed to teach everything she knew to 20 kids in just 2 hrs a day. WITH NO AIDES! No help! Just him. You Rock Mr. T. Sophie's School on McChord had better ratings, and She had an awesome willing and amazing Teacher, Hi Mrs. Ellison, we miss you. Even Though she used S.E.E and There was an ASL interp. At the same time (which can cause confusion) and even though it was a mixed special needs class, Mrs.E and her helpers were the best. They were tuned in, on point, did everything they could to make sure Sophie Thrived. They started the love Sophie has for learning.
last year! NOT ONCE, was I called into the school, or got calls about Students pushing, kicking, or other harmful moments caused by a student, to Sophie. Was I called about injuries? OF COURSE! McChord and her Teacher did their due diligence as a School. In Emily's case. Emily being more of the shy one, soft spoken, and knowing what is class room acceptable and not, is now into her 2nd year of school, having NOT ONE incident. NOT ONE! Runs around outside, 2 times a day (two recesses, how lucky)has gym class, and "free play" in class, sits on the concrete floor, pumps into things often (shes my kid lol, plus her class is super tight.) And has never come home with bruises, cuts or what have yous.Her Class Has about 23+ Students and ONE TEACHER! again NO HELP~ Again, Emily's school doesn't have the best ratings on the Island for DOE. BUT, Her teacher, Mrs Rapoza is SO SUPER! I do not remember in the first grade learning about History,sociology, Or the human body. Emily totally knows what white blood cells are used for, what Antibodies are and how to properly take care of skin. ITS FREAKING AWESOME!!!!!! She knows so much! Its scary.
HSDB, Sophie's current school. Is definitely trying. Its had some spotted past for some students and is going through a growing period right now. New People in place trying to make the system better and working as it should. I'm too much of a worrier to have my kid in a place thats transitional and not steady on its own rules and ideas. Though, Sophie's teacher has a great Educational background. SHE KNOWS HER STUFF! and Shes a good teacher. When in class. Shes also a very busy lady. I do however think that shes not exactly equiped for this age group maybe. theres 9 students and like 3 aides along with Teacher,so how do all these accidents happen, thats 2 students per one adult... and When I went through Sophie's paperwork, the daily reports that get sent home, there are 9 bad incidents that involve another Student harming Sophie. Now on purpose? Or not? Not sure. Stories don't always add up. And THANKFULLY, in great appreciation, to her current teacher, Sophie is now able to tell me what happened to her and who did it. Not so much the WHY, part yet. But we will get there. Now I said 9 incidents involving Sophie getting hurt by another student...that does not include the few "accidents" that happened the first month of school before the started to send home the accident report. And that does not include the reports about her falling by her own account. (again My kid, We are a clumsy family apparently lol) Mind you, School hasn't even been in session 3 months yet. Doesn't that sound a bit much!??
I get that This is a deaf school, I get that the deaf kids can be more handsy and rough, and pivot their anger in a not so nice manner. BUT COME ON NOW! I can't tell if its poor student inter action or if its aides Not watching. Or The lack of Correction. Feeling like for a short time the daily lessons should not be about "hungry Caterpillars" or "the 3 little pigs" but should be about How to treat friends, and class mates, respect to adults, and listening to parents. They are 4 and 5, and old enough to get those lessons. I do my best at home, with the 3 kids. From the emails from Sophie's teacher, to my understanding, Sophie isn't being aggressive to them. Shes merely "annoying". Shes in their face and curious about What they are doing and why. She Sees a friend reading a book, and goes to see what book, and maybe read too...and that student doesn't want her there, but Phi wont leave...so that student then acts aggressively. OR The last one was Because Sophie was in the way, of another student viewing the pie baking in the oven, and shoved her. Shoved aside is one thing. But damn this student must of had some real gumption Behind the push because it caused Sophie to slam her face into the counter and bleed for what the office told me was 20 minutes, WITH an ice pack on her nose.
Now let me step back and explain. Sophie is a brut herself (at home) She and Ryan can't sit still, want to always play fight, and wrestle. And When Mad...they both go at it, LIKE SIBLINGS! With exception to the scratching (yes they scratch each other, tho I try and keep their nails short...Don't worry they get punished for scratching)There is never a mark inflicted on eachother by each other. In fact, An example to use, is over the weekend, they were NOT LISTENING TO ME, and were bouncing toward each other on the sofa, where one then would bend and the other would flip over their back. Laughing having fun, but again NOT LISTENING TO ME, about stopping before someone gets hurt. And Someone did, Phi! Ryan's hard head (like his daddy's)Cracked into her where her cheek bone meets the chin. I heard a CRACK, like when you hear the football helmets slam into each other on a tackle. Ryan bent down to get in position but at last minute decided tojust body check her instead. (OHHHHH BOYS!!!!!!!!) I freaked out by the sound, break them apart and Shes crying and "yelling" at Ryan. Her face, looks a little swollen, but no cut, no bruise (yet) nothing more then a little raised. Not even pink oddly. So I watch it the rest of the evening, and into Sunday...What do I see? NOTHING! no mark. Again I say it was a hard hit and the cracking sound when I think about it, still makes me cringe. So You readers tell me...How can she keep coming home with all these cuts and bruises from school, that Im being told comes from a student? But it not happen when I see it with my own eyes at home? How does that even work?
Is it by the hand of students? Is it by someone else?
I don't think Sophie is at the age where she can even get the magnitude of the situation.
Lately, shes not been wanting to go to school. Lately shes coming home in crap moods.

Im wanting to switch her school and Hawaii Department of Education (DOE) has proven to be battle! The professionals I need to speak with Wont even call me back. The School I want to visit, wont let me meet and speak with teacher and visit his class to see his interaction with the deaf students. I just want to see it, see his ASL with the students and how he runs his class.
I tell Ya, We were so excited to come here to Hawaii.
Excited to have a special school for Phi
Excited to be involved in Deaf community of Hawaii
Excited to be on this island and have another adventure.

And While we have loved seeing what we have, Love the esthetics of the Island, the people of Hawaii, the views, the beach...Its not the paradise We had hoped it to be.

Its making me feel regretful to have come here.
Its also left a bad taste in my mouth about deaf schools. Something Grams did warn me about.

Its put a real damper on my Love for Island life...Which leaves me to say the most disgusting thing Ever...WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN WASHINGTON!

But Like the Husband says
"You don't know how good you had it, until you don't have it anymore" He usually says the same thing, in multiple different ways ;) Love you hunnnnny!

Mother May I? Break down this wall...

From The Shores of Oahu I have watched my children, run and splash. Breathe in the wonders of the sea. Soak in the Vitamin D, and Love every bit of the Gypsy (Military) Life. It has not phased them yet that we are movers. The Wind changes and we seem to be lifted off to new parts of our Country to explore. Change, so far, comes at them easily.
But This Traveler, I fear, worries about whats to come as they get older...


Worry!


Everyone who knows me, and knows our family, Knows we are worriers. From the moment they step off to school, off the edge of the pool, or onto the top stair...I worry.

But I do not pretend to be a great parent. I don't create False identities or fictional persona's of what our family life is like. I am not fake. Guarded Maybe, maybe too much at times, but not Fake. I speak on all aspects of life. The good the bad and the ugly. All of that and more. I try to paint the most realistic picture I can.


Everyone who knows me, and knows our Family, Knows we do not sensor. Much to many friends and family surprise...It works for us. We will always take into consideration the knowledge and if and how the impact will be. But we do not sensor. Our Children, know the appropriate use of such knowledge and Are pretty good and not exploring it. Ryan in his rebellious and pushing button 3's like to walk the fine line, but also knows the consequence. Granted, I am a push over as well. They each get away with treating me a certain way, and As they are growing, im learning how to better direct their negative reactions. Which is a part of Parenthood no. Parents will continue to grow and change and learn, and adapt, methods to their kids, individually and as a whole. A continuous juggle, but as I've stated before, our children should be our first priority. Sure...Love God, Love ourselves, Love your husband, love your kids. Our Children will be molded By God's Hands, understand Direction, experience love, be successful because We have taught them about respect and order. Allowing them to be themselves and witness acts that will help them grow into awesome adults. Already, I can see how our kids have blessed us, changed us, molded us even. I've seen the good things we've done with them. Again Ill speak on Ryan, even in these 3's that I dread, and Am So thankful hes my last 3 yr old for now...Has such a soft spot. He kisses any boo boo's he sees on me, old or new. Always says "thank You", sometimes "thank You much" even if its to wipe an eye lash off his cheek. He always needs my hand when out. Sophie will cuddle All day long. Rub my hand or cheek if Im laying down. Wants everyone around her to always sign thank you, when appropriate, and will wait there till its signed :P is mothering in her class, cares for little kids and babies SO much. Emily is reserved and kind, quite and example of nice behavior for her siblings when we are out of the house. Sure In public they have each had their Moments of "OH MY GOSH ITS TIME WE GO HOME" but Proudly I would say they are well behaved beyond our front door 94% of the time. Home...In their comfort and glory, yeah its not as rosey, no hand raising here, no mild manners. But I would take the "mother may I's" the "yes ma'ams, No sirs" "please and Thank You's" out in public over home, any day of the week. And we are thankful for that. We Do have great kids.

One thing I've noticed about Hawaii, is that people are just so inviting. Warm. Understanding and eager. I took the kids to get sandwiches the other day before our HSDB principal meeting, The woman behind the counter saw Sophie signing something over and over. I was distracted By Ryan and Emily talking over each other, when the woman smiled and said "Ma'am,Shes saying soemthing I don't quite get" Soph, was saying "green" something on the menu had caught her eye. I in my now regular guarded tone say "Its ok, Don't worry about it" like a snot lol. And the Kind woman continued to smile and said "oh but Im curious, I really would like to know, and know more" And in that second I felt a piece of my wall break off. "green" I said. "shes signing green" The woman looked all around to find something That Sophie was referring to, and was happy to help. 3 Times In the same hour, We were talked too about Sophie, IN A POSITIVE MANNER! Who would have thought. Washington was so cold in peoples demeanor that after those 2 years I started to become jaded. But You see, As HSDB Has worked its signing magic on Sophie, and as her Vocabulary expands greatly, we are holding more lengthy Conversations, and that in public. Its amazing How much signing Catches the Eyes of strangers. People should be naturally curious right? Not Mean...In any case, another Employee had stopped by our table to ask if We are signing because Shes deaf, or just because. Which of course made me giggle. I too was a young mom with Emily, teaching my baby to sign because it was the Hip thing to do. When I smiled and said of shes deaf...(my smile was a bitch smile, again I mastered in Tacoma)The young woman smiled back and said awesome, so is my little sister and its been really hard. There it goes again, a little piece of the wall breaking off. A bit later, there was an older couple sitting across the aisle from us. With them an man maybe just a bit older then I who rocked the extra Chromosome So wonderfully. (everyone who knows me...knows I have a soft spot for down syndrome <3)They stood Up after their meals and walked right behind Sophie. The Father Gently patted Sophies head, and made a weird playful sound at Ryan who basically stood up and roared at the guy LOL LOL. His Wife stood next to him, as I signed to Phi, "say Hi, and smile" because she looked very...confused as to why a stranger was behind her. Phi did just as I asked. The older woman replied "Shes deaf right? shes beautiful, they all are" Her husband giggled "you sure have your hands full" The nice way of saying "good luck" We got a nice "have a good night and God Bless" And a nice wave from their son.

All this in not only one day, but one hour, of me and just the kiddos. My My how the tides have changed, literally. I looked back at the kids, just us again at the table...And I knew that Matt and I, are doing a good job.

Are we perfect parents? Absolutely not! Our Kids will not be perfect.THey Will make mistakes like us, bad judgement calls, be tried and tried again and again. Will lose and win and fall and get hurt. Cry. Hurt someone. But they will also do great things.

Im a very guarded person these days. The Military life has created in me a much different idea of how life works. Having had kids and marriage extremely young in life, its a good thing the military has shown me. nearly 4 years an Army wife, which seems weird to me. Moving everywhere we have, living on bases and off. Taking away lessons from each and every City, town, or village we'd seen, has molded us. And Now, here in Hawaii, Where the sky is Always blue, and the air so clear, where people smile, and show support I may break down this wall...