Means to the End. Shall we Move on?

Often in my short life, I've been faced with the decision to either MOVE on, and continue down the path. I've felt the sting of letting go, I've felt the repercussions of heading the same way. I've also experienced the relief and joy from both.

While I think about whos precious in my life, the list is short. And Thats Great because that means I've grown emotionally. I feel like, you can not trust everyone, but a few at a time, and those are the people you need to cherish most.

While I Think about Whos Birthday it is today I remember the journey. The extreme of the bumps, the extreme of the highs, the love, the drama, the patching of deep wounds. The last time we broke up, I remember Everyday wondering what I was missing in her life...BIG THINGS AT THE TIME. I was wondering if We'd never exchanged such harsh words if  We'd be experiencing these things together. I remember saying all the time to mutual friends, that I'm sad We can not fix it, that I wish she would just respond to my attempts.
When things Finally were starting to come back together, and the glue was "drying"
I remember being so grateful. So excited, but walking slowly and quietly and being cautious not to just stick my nose right into everything I had missed.
The near YEAR of our biggest break up ever, I felt as though A piece of me was missing the entire time. I desired to have her back and things mended. I thought about it often. Reached out often. Not always in the right way granted.
It was so hard. So heart breaking where our friendship of SO long had wound up.
At the same time, as We know God allows things to happen for specific Reasons, I feel like that rough year was a palate cleanse. She And I, from my point of view, had been on this jagged edge for quit some time. Both stubborn, both ignoring the signs till we had to face them straight on.
Here we are almost 3 years past the break up, and well, we are not in the same place. Not the same place we were as kids, not the same place we were as teens, nor young adults, nor before the breakup. We are NEW. We are better. And while distance is a huge gap. In a sense...thats what broke down walls.
God Sends us on Journeys for a reason, He puts people in our lives for a time, or for life. And he has a plan. With this relationship, I never felt like She was supposed to be gone forever. I never was at peace with it. On my end. I knew I wasn't supposed to move on from this.
And Im glad to be where I am with her today.


But God does Challenge us, and our lives, and our hearts. For even though he knows our truest of true wants and desires. He challenges us so that we can learn from life and see the CLEAR reason for his actions for us. Not always easy. Not always something happy. But reality.

When God tells you to move on, it's because He has something so much better for you than where you are right now!

 

Is something I read this morning. And After my Conversation last night with my Brother, I felt like it was set before at the most perfect of times.

 

 

I will not pretend that my distance from certain family members is easy. I will admit I do At times wonder about how life is going for them. I will always love them. I will say that im not surprised on our outcome. I made one last feeble attempt in December, a sliver of an out reach, and it didn't go so well. And thats ok. Now with it being May, And knowing things I do know...I feel as though I'm ok. Im strong enough to understand what it is I am supposed to do from my side. And that is to MOVE ON. I have no struggles with it, surprisingly. I have no doubts about doing so. No panics about what it means, or where it leaves My family and I. Too much was said from my side, too much said from their side. Too many emotions then floating around, clouding judgements. And We both made choices. And  our means to an END was our Own versions of our truths. It got us to where we are...which is...far apart.

 

Our oldest does wonder why we do not speak to everyone. I have been asked "why does he not talk to me" And then get lack of memory from them. Who knows if in years to come something brings our lives closer again. And He can spend the time he wants to repair the relationships he could have now. But thats a future I can not see myself, thats in the hands of God only.

 

Moving on is never easy. Sure I'll catch myself in thought and wonderment. I'll be reminded by little things. Ill be curious. But I know...Some people are meant to be with you forever, some for a short time, Some to raise you up and teach you, some to hold your hand through tough times, some to challenge you, some to knock you to your feet. Some to pick you back up. Some through thick and thin, and some to tell you Goodbye 

Whatcha wanna know about my parenthood?

I used to sit on the floor of my Childhood bedroom, surrounded by my Favorite Fashion Magazines. Read them cover to cover then cut out all the parts I loved most. Next to me would be mounds of Journals I stuck them to, Pencils and blank paper for my desire to draw out dresses I'd love to one day make myself.

I used to take 30 minutes alone to just apply make up another 30 for my hair.
Would pick out my outfit the night before School, have it sprayed with my favorite Perfume and hung nicely on my door.

I used to be able to walk around in heels ALL day long. Run and jump in Heels.

Pj's were only worn in the evenings and to bed, NOT all day, although I did rock the house slippers out and about  now and again. YES GUILTY AS CHARGED~

I used to be able to stay up into the wee hours of the morning and sleep into 11am and Not have a care in the world about doing JUST that, Sleep, I seriously took for granted.


Now a days...
Showers are golden
Sweaters are prized
I have mastered how to paint my face and straighten my wavy hair in 20 minutes COMBINED!
Sadly Pj's and sweats are my go to ensemble
My Favorite Magazines Are in the bathroom, because its the only place I find peace during the day...ok not all day, they tend to bang on door, yell mom, and stick their chubby little fingers under the door.
Sleep...happens in bouts. Not full...still
I write in spare time, and its usually stuff people really could care less about reading. Because lets face it, While social media as completely taken over our lives here in this decade. People really do not care if your Son sounds super cute when bossing you around at the age of 2. Or your daughter Scored yet another Cool kid ticket, Or if you cat has learned how to open closed doors. They just want the juicy goodness and nothing more about the boring lives we lead. Yet...We continue to post and search and comment and like or in my case, Remove from my news feed...I am one of these fools on Facebook, twitter, yahoo...BLOGGER :p that visit too much, and lose time in the sites like Pinterest and youtube. Oh the Life I lead.

People want to hear, only when troubles are brewing, gossip can be shared, something terrible has happened, or only care if you "speak" to them first. They want a 1000 likes, hundreds of "friends" and to be told how wonderful their life is...Social media has turned us into insecure drones. But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the escape while my kids are tuned into something that doesn't involve my name or using my body as a jungle gym.

We find out more information about our loved ones online then we do any other way. We see what each others lives has become, and where it lacks. We hold no secrets and yet we also hide behind the perception that we are perfect, take perfect pictures, only post "nice" things about our family life and leave the rest untouched by truth.

In this house, I can say the truth is, We are all very loud, we yell...whether mad or happy, we are always yelling. Our neighbors must think we are the most insane people ever, WE NEVER hear them unless they are in the back yard and yet...their 3 cars are always in the drive way. I swear Neighboring Soldier boy Has no MOS. hahaha.
We Love deep so that means we fight hard.
We have 2 girls and thats a whole lot of attitude. It astonishes me what comes out of their super tiny bodies.
The 3 kids can be down right mean to each other, but at the same time, always have to kiss each other goodnight, big hugs and I love Yous to go around.
Matt and I bicker...stupid stuff, but then always seem to work it out. I get mad, punch "toward" him a few times and he just stands there, "like Ok, like that tiny fist can do real damage" Waiting for me to get over it, stop over reacting, pull back my temp and walk away....OH WAIT THATS WHERE MY GIRLS GET IT FROM ;)
The boy~ Well...mamas boy for sure, but man is he go go go go and scrappy. Seriously mini Matt, he doesn't ever stop and then does a 1000 things all at once.
MY KIDS DRIVE ME insane. So yes I do hide now and then through out the day to re-compose my mama mode. Pull sanity back to me and go again. I love my life, I love my kids, I love Matt, I love our Family, I love our life style. But I will not pretend that life is a perfectly beautiful budding Garden of peace and enchantment. People lets get real.
If we spent more time in the real world and not trying to show the world the glories of Parenthood and marriage and life in general, maybe Things would be different.
We should never strive for perfect, because then you will always be disappointed. Strive for Happiness instead.


Parenthood, Isn't all about dressing up our "dolls" and toting them around like beautiful little packages, knowing good and well, that eventually that doll is going to poop so bad it runs up her back and through the dainty little outfit you prized so much.
That 8 out of 10 burps will involve puke. That will involve a change of clothes for everyone or into your hair when your shower is still hours away...
A trip to the park with your toddler means MANY heart attacks about where they are playing. Its more work while at the park then getting ready to go to the park.
School mornings mean, early mornings, fights over outfits, hair thats too knotted up and kids who refuse to eat more then one bite of a healthy much needed breakfast.
Bedtimes means Hearing your name called 20 times for little things like " My blankets Not covering my feet" or they can not reach that Toy thats 4 inches from their legs.
Getting into the Car means fits over who sits where, and taking 10 minutes just to buckle in.
Massive amounts of home work for kids who are 5 and 6 years old.
Worrying CONSTANTLY but we know that never goes away ;)
Potty training is a nightmare, and laundry piles up everyday everywhere.
If you don't buy multiples of the same things, its Utter Chaos.
Meal time everyone wants something different (not that thats excepted in this house, but it doesn't stop the complaints)
Sharing is the Hardest thing when it comes to siblings....apparently in their handbook, it just doesnt work that way.
Theres Confusion ALL the time.
BUT then something happens...You notice the kids looking to see if you are watching them do a cool trick they learned. You hear them sing songs verse for verse. They Make you a hand made card when they are supposed to be in bed sleeping, not drawing.
The quickly blown kiss from the bus window, before anyone else sees.
The pride in school made projects.
The random kiss on the cheek or distance run just for a hug.
The rare moment they just help clean up or get excited every time they are making their bed, on their own better and better each time.
The moment they say " you made the best mommy" at dinner instead of crying that its green and not pink noodles this time.
The moment toys are shared without asking and they are playing all together nicely with no one left out crying.
Those moments...though, few and far between, help us parents out.
Parenthood is hard work, not for everyone, worth every moment of Crazy and painful moments.
For us, We couldn't erase all the hard parts, because then these good parts wouldn't be so loved and Cherished.
It goes for life in general too, not just for us parents.
If everything was easy, what would we long for? work for? hope for?

Sure, things surely have changed from the quiet of my bedroom floor to the chaos of Lunchtime in the Decker house hold.

Sure, I do not always look like I used to, Don't always get a chance to straighten my hair...and I have literally forgotten what it feels like to wear foundation (not just because of time limits but because I choose not to wear the awful stuff) Im no where near as Tan as I should be.
However, I have pieces of me that are so wonderful, Emily, Sophia and Ryan. And taking care of them, and my husband...Makes wearing Sweats n Simply mascara and lip stain, well worth it all~

I write therefore Im....NOT YET?

Evolving...


How does one Evolve?



LIFE?


Career?


Studies?


How can one take their true passion and make it into a productive living?


I want to write, I think about Writing, I do random scribbles and such...but nothing is truly complete.
Im so A.d.d With my writing that Im not even kidding...

I want to share it with the world. But who cares enough to read it? I want to see it in print...In my Favorite Magazine "elle" and see it at every news stand.

I want to hear my writings Shared.

I want to keep it going and going and going and going...



But Im merely An Army house wife...so how can I make this possible. With no budget! No idea of the avenue to take...


Can't I just fall into it? Can't I just be discovered? Its not like I have not put a TON of work into my own Passion...professionally, no, Morally and emotionally YES~~~~~~


Im a writer, I write...and I want to write to live





Is that really too much to ask for! Honestly?