Means to the End. Shall we Move on?

Often in my short life, I've been faced with the decision to either MOVE on, and continue down the path. I've felt the sting of letting go, I've felt the repercussions of heading the same way. I've also experienced the relief and joy from both.

While I think about whos precious in my life, the list is short. And Thats Great because that means I've grown emotionally. I feel like, you can not trust everyone, but a few at a time, and those are the people you need to cherish most.

While I Think about Whos Birthday it is today I remember the journey. The extreme of the bumps, the extreme of the highs, the love, the drama, the patching of deep wounds. The last time we broke up, I remember Everyday wondering what I was missing in her life...BIG THINGS AT THE TIME. I was wondering if We'd never exchanged such harsh words if  We'd be experiencing these things together. I remember saying all the time to mutual friends, that I'm sad We can not fix it, that I wish she would just respond to my attempts.
When things Finally were starting to come back together, and the glue was "drying"
I remember being so grateful. So excited, but walking slowly and quietly and being cautious not to just stick my nose right into everything I had missed.
The near YEAR of our biggest break up ever, I felt as though A piece of me was missing the entire time. I desired to have her back and things mended. I thought about it often. Reached out often. Not always in the right way granted.
It was so hard. So heart breaking where our friendship of SO long had wound up.
At the same time, as We know God allows things to happen for specific Reasons, I feel like that rough year was a palate cleanse. She And I, from my point of view, had been on this jagged edge for quit some time. Both stubborn, both ignoring the signs till we had to face them straight on.
Here we are almost 3 years past the break up, and well, we are not in the same place. Not the same place we were as kids, not the same place we were as teens, nor young adults, nor before the breakup. We are NEW. We are better. And while distance is a huge gap. In a sense...thats what broke down walls.
God Sends us on Journeys for a reason, He puts people in our lives for a time, or for life. And he has a plan. With this relationship, I never felt like She was supposed to be gone forever. I never was at peace with it. On my end. I knew I wasn't supposed to move on from this.
And Im glad to be where I am with her today.


But God does Challenge us, and our lives, and our hearts. For even though he knows our truest of true wants and desires. He challenges us so that we can learn from life and see the CLEAR reason for his actions for us. Not always easy. Not always something happy. But reality.

When God tells you to move on, it's because He has something so much better for you than where you are right now!

 

Is something I read this morning. And After my Conversation last night with my Brother, I felt like it was set before at the most perfect of times.

 

 

I will not pretend that my distance from certain family members is easy. I will admit I do At times wonder about how life is going for them. I will always love them. I will say that im not surprised on our outcome. I made one last feeble attempt in December, a sliver of an out reach, and it didn't go so well. And thats ok. Now with it being May, And knowing things I do know...I feel as though I'm ok. Im strong enough to understand what it is I am supposed to do from my side. And that is to MOVE ON. I have no struggles with it, surprisingly. I have no doubts about doing so. No panics about what it means, or where it leaves My family and I. Too much was said from my side, too much said from their side. Too many emotions then floating around, clouding judgements. And We both made choices. And  our means to an END was our Own versions of our truths. It got us to where we are...which is...far apart.

 

Our oldest does wonder why we do not speak to everyone. I have been asked "why does he not talk to me" And then get lack of memory from them. Who knows if in years to come something brings our lives closer again. And He can spend the time he wants to repair the relationships he could have now. But thats a future I can not see myself, thats in the hands of God only.

 

Moving on is never easy. Sure I'll catch myself in thought and wonderment. I'll be reminded by little things. Ill be curious. But I know...Some people are meant to be with you forever, some for a short time, Some to raise you up and teach you, some to hold your hand through tough times, some to challenge you, some to knock you to your feet. Some to pick you back up. Some through thick and thin, and some to tell you Goodbye 

To Be or Not to Be? Whats the real question HEAR!?

Ignorance Is Truly Bliss!


Have You ever Gone to see A doctor and Wonder after the appointment...If they really can relate? Or Understand? have been there done that? With Exception to oncologists, cardiologist, And ophthalmologist...Who Ultimately Do wear Glasses and/or Contacts eventually...

I have...

Lets Take GYN's and OB's for example that are men!
Ever Wonder if they went into the profession so they can sit in front of a womans VAG all day!?
And then think, "well hey dude, How can I trust you REALLY understand when you have a penis?"

Seriously What young 20yr old MALE goes into med School thinking, OH Im picking this field because I know I can truly make A difference in the lower region of Womens lives, And I'll Extend it to Obstetrics Because I can relate to A pregnant Women and their Child......I THINK NOT PEOPLE!

Not to mention the fact its the most, intimate Medical Profession.

Whats my point?

My Point is, that I wonder if these, Audiologists, Speech Pathologists, ENT Doctors and Otolarynologist, Have spent MORE then a few days with Someone whos hard of hearing or Profoundly deaf? Wonder If They had, If they would have the Same conclusions they have now...
I feel like its important to get on a more personal level to be able to relate to families and patients To see A broader Spectrum of Possibilities.Especially since, Really they do not care what your story is for being in their office. They want medical facts, and Want to know you desire medically for the future. MOST Of what they say, Comes with a cold Front, and Simply "scientific" replies, as to WHY this is important...and why this is necessary, and What will happen in the future. LIKE THEY KNOW FOR SURE~
Professionals are always quick to Boast about their success rate, successful patients and stories TO WARM the heart. I understand its to give Hope...But then Ask them about When It didnt go so successfully, Like with Sophie, And their demeanor and Tone Changes. Its no longer with a smile, or happy Chuckle in their story. Their Eyes aren't bright when Speaking About cases where The Child just wants NOTHING to do with wearing this machine...

Side note...

Isn't it the case with Most places...In reference to Doctors offices, that the Nurses are the key players in EVERYTHING. Doctors are in and out, quick, usually cold...I feel like Maybe The smart way to become a doctor Should have meant that its a prerequisites  to Be a Nurse first, Then BE MD...Whatever you like to be Called.

Obviously I KNOW WE CAN NOT ALL EXPERIENCE the same way. Lives aren't long enough to live through every possible scenario. Im Not an idiot!

Im just saying it would be nice to relate more, and get less text book answers.

Im reminded That Sophia, Is one of the "rare" cases. In which Youth at a super young age, have already made up their own mind, their avenue of Communication. Being told that While its Not The "normal" (theres that word again) But that it does Sometimes happen. Making it that much harder to try and sway them in any other direction.


I understand that for those who have experienced Hearing loss, Or my New favorite Term thanks to "switched at birth" ..deaf gain...Are super sad, scared, scrambling for a fix it,and fix it now, route. That it would be defeating almost to have to struggle to hear, what you could always hear before.
However, I can also understand that Its a different way of life for those who's earliest memories come from silence. Where nothing BUT SOUND is new, and frightening and weird.
The Cochlear implant is a fantastic device, yes! Successfully helping those who are hard of hearing to Function Easier in this Dominate hearing World. A recipient, Knows they are still and forever will be deaf, But as Ive heard from friends, family and strangers, They see it as a way to NO LONGER BE DEAF. While thats a very false Statement, In a way, I guess it helps these hearing folk, be more ACCEPTING! They no longer see that person as deaf, and welcome them...(that sounds so bad, but its the truth, people have said that, and done that...funny huh?...)
Acceptance is a tricky thing, its not really our human nature (for most of us anyway) Something that Has to be taught, and at that Taught when Young so it sticks...Which goes along with Our family being told that scientifically, Sophie must learn speech before a certain age or it all turns to "garbage"..Their WORD USED, not my Word.
Acceptance Is something I CHOOSE to use, instead of the word Tolerance. Tolerance implies that Deep down you are still uneasy about something, but you just go with it. Acceptance is SOUL DEEP. And WHY tolerance is something WE DO NOT TEACH ABOUT IN THIS HOUSE. Our Children are being caught the importance of accepting Everyone, Culture, looks, "difference", Challenge, daily life adventures.

We feel its important to nurture Sophia's Desire to just be a kid. Her choices are just as important. Her Lifes path should be her own. AS Should All our childrens. We are not sad that Sophie is deaf. We are not sad she doesnt use her voice to speak words to us. We Communicate amazingly. This week I was informed how impressive my ASL has gotten, that its Fantastic to see that Sophie has picked it up So well. Does what every other 4 year old does, Some better, And has A bright future (duh). If speech is the only thing impacted When Sophie is an adult, then The Good Lord knows, Matt and I did A damn good job. If Speech is the only thing people want to HOLD against her...Then We will teach her that most people are ignorant, and that Shes strong enough to with stand, and maybe make that person whistle a different tune, after they meet.

When Sophie was first "diagnosed"...though Again not a term I love.
We were asked, well...How will she learn?
                                    Will she learn her ABC's and count?
                                     Be able to follow directions?
                                     How do you teach someone who doesnt hear?
                                     What kind of future can she have without sound?

My answer to all?

American Sign Language.

Its a real language you know?

Now almost 3 years later. Sophie can...

Dress herself, follow 3 step directions, Writes out "mom, dad, Emily, Ryan, Sophia" when We ask her too. Writes her letters, Knows numbers 1-10...How many 4 year olds do you know, that not only can recognize Letters in print, in sign, and then be able to write them out? Or In sign alone in Sophie case when we practice our daily writing skills. SHES A SPONGE, rather speaking or not. Because ASL is An actual structural language, To which We are taught things with. Has meaning, and just as A hearing child learns....A Deaf Child Learns through ASL.The brain receptively ACCEPTS the sign and remembers it for its meaning. People want to call it visual Cues...FINE call it what you will. But Do we not do MOST EVERYTHING with our eyes. We Are able to Live and be successful even without the sense of Sound. Did you know, that in the Canine World, hearing is the last thing to Develop? In fact All dogs are only born with one functioning sense, The sense of Smell. Personally, If I lost my sense of smell....that would be more horrible then the sense of hearing. bahaha


To Be Deaf, hearing, have Hearing Loss, or deaf Gain. If you are still learning and growing and using the gift God has Given you. Whats the Problem?

Nothing is easy. Whether you are a Deaf, blind, paralyzed or Green plant loving hippy. Some people have it harder then others. True. But All in all, life isn't a cake walk no matter who you are, or where you are lacking. Life is how we make it out to be. Happiness SOLELY depends on us and us alone. When we let the outside World torment us, break us down, hold us back, knock us down...That's when its time to pick OURSELVES back up, re-evaluate, and find our own happiness. Letting the hate, fall to the way side, find your own community and keep them Close to heart. Prayer. And the push, for joy, no matter what fault we own.

To Be Or Not to Be?

Exactly who you are supposed to be

Simply By Taste

Its been a good long while since I have posted anything here on my blog. Gosh I cant believe it. For A while Now Ive been wanting to post, but not exactly sure of how to start it. Writers Block? Maybe. With lots to say, and not really sure how to get it all out...at least with out me soundly like a lunatic...AGAIN :)
But then it hit me. In regards to a facebooks status someone I know posted, that had to do with Creationism vs Evolution. It started to make me think about differences of opinion. Different thought processes, back grounds, beliefs and life styles. Different opinions. Right or Wrong not having anything to do with how the person chooses to live life.
There are some people out there who would very much prefer to indulge in sweet Cherry pie

Vs the tarty goodness of a beautiful Apple pie. Some do not like pie at all. Some think Pie doesnt just have to be a dessert

While some of us love to wake up each morning and smell the salt ocean Waters, others like the feeling of being secluded and lost in the mountains, surrounded by air and Wild life.

Just as Some of us are believers in Christ and others do not understand. Like understanding the difference between religion and believing. Its hard for some to grasp the amount of Power that is From Our heavenly father, and to believe in such things as Heaven, hell, Satan, and Angels.
I have the beliefs that were recorded from with in the Bible. While Im not a perfect Christian, I do not use what I know about my Savior, and forgiveness and my salvation to be an excuse to do Horrible things. I do my best to still walk a worthy, Christ like Life, and Allow others to form their own opinions about their life.

In other ways we all differ from our taste in LOCATION~ thehehe. Im an advid mover. Mover of all movers, who long for change and open road and meeting new people and seeing fresh new Places. Some however prefer to live in the same place their entire life. Never really embracing the land that The Lord has provided for us to explore. Some prefer the West...Some the East. Others the South. In my little World Tho ive seen many places theres things about Each side of the GREAT U.S.A that I love.
West vs East. Ive gained a little bit more understanding of the convited West coast. The Laid back People, the year round weather, the Hippie Life style, the Convertable car weather, Tons of Dog parks, Long Summer nights, Beautiful Sea life at your finger tips. But The New Yorker in Me will always love the East Coast, New York being #1 always. From the "real" types of People, the Wonderful accent (though Orange County really has an accent of their own, kind of a North Jersey meets Brooklyn fusion kind of thing)The Attitude, the Culture, the Fashion,The Nail tip wearing style hoarding types. The let me get in your face, then kiss you like we are sisters kind of fighting. grudge holding, honestly Wonderful New Yorkers. Not to mention the Only place you can get Chinese Food that Looks like it should, and Pizza that Makes you want to Fly back to New York for one day for.
The West Coast chinese Food

THis is "sweet and Sour Chicken" here.
Where as I much prefer the Greasey New York Version of Sweet and Sour Chicken cuz lets face it, if youre gonna indulge INDULGE man.

Then of course, pizza. Its a no brainer....Gotta get New York real pizza man. All out here For sure...is just mediocre

Best

Best things to be Getting West of the Mississippi Would be California Rolls, Fish Tacos and anything with Veggies.


Course, my opinion leaves everything else known to our country in the Middle. And How do you really choose the best...What makes you right? What changes your mind, and converts you to forming a new idea???


Simply by Taste.

We all prefer one thing over another...we choose to live a certain way, a believe in things we see, or feel. We go with our gut feelings.
My taste in Clothes, food and Beliefs may not be in your taste. But Its why GOD created us to be individuals, equal among men, but Reaching to be something more.

So here we are. About to Start February, 16 days away from Sophie's ear surgery, which I havent really been touching base on publicly, as it is a sensitive subject still in my heart, mind and family.

With that in Mind, our choice to implant Sophies ear, isnt really because we find it to be the right thing to do. Truth be told, I felt guilty thinking about Not implanting her because the "world" around us thinks other wise. So We ARE NOT implanting Sophie to "FIX" her. Shes not broken. Shes not less then anyone. Shes not limited. Shes Sophie. Simply Sophie. Our Choice has led us to also decide that Implantation will also not be allowed to define her. As the World wants us to push sounds, and speaking and voices and her using her voice on her...that Will not be the case in our house. Our FEELINGS are as such, that if she doesnt want to...we wont make her...if shes tired of it, she doesnt have to use it, if she feels like skipping therapy, So be it. I want her to have environmental awareness and having an implant will get her that. However, Vocal needs...NO. We are A Signing family and will remain to be. Others have their opinion on our situation, but no one knows Sophie better then we do. This Device is not a fix it...its a helper, and she can decide later what she wants to do with it....our choice!



Happy Tuesday Friends, it was A good January, Hope it ends well for all