Sophie's Choice

Moms!!!!!!!!!



Have You ever been in a group, out in public or in a moment where You notice peoples physical reaction to your children?
Whether its for a tantrum in public, mismatching outfits, or something more personal, like in our case, being deaf.
The face of disbelief, the face of disgust?
I've been conscience of societies reactions. The pure rudeness and gal of what people think they can say, or do to complete strangers. It is appalling. I have witness, Children who start to play with Sophie and then ask "whats wrong with her?" and once they are told she can't hear, and she doesn't talk, they start to distance themselves. I've been asked by adults, who then look like a deer in head lights, who get stiff and do not know what to say so, they make a face, and turn and walk away..."ok Goodbye to you too, thanks for chatting" said in my head, not out loud, though I probably should. I've witnessed while being in the home of someone we know, not want to even look at her, I've watched parents allow their kids to treat Sophie is disrespect. They show their ignorance to something that's perfectly ok, and yet because its not in their everyday, they make the "gross" face. Its like shes diseased...
Ohhh no Don't touch my daughter, or you'll be deaf too...kind of deal.
Which as Sophie gets older she starts to notice.
She notices the little girl who wont look at her, when Sophie is trying hard to get her attention.
She notices the boy who stops playing with her.
She notices the face expression that the parents have on their face, the one that's different towards Emily, and Ryan. The Smiling face that says "hi" when we see them, that quickly turns to just a slight grin and...no Hi, And Guess what...I notice it too!
Because we are naturally able to hear We are also around more families that are hearing as well. In a hearing World. Sophie has and does well to adjust herself to be in the hearing world as best as she can. But she shouldn't always have to.
we have been lucky to have found a small tight knit community that understands our family dynamic. To have placed Sophie in ASL education where we have watched her take off at lightening speed. Its Been Sophies Choice.
To watch her Story tell, to watch her explain, to watch her understand, to watch her Absorb language. Her Language. Its been an amazing experience.
One we have noticed is sometimes hard for people to understand.
People want so badly to make everything "better". They want perfection, they want what they see as normal to be...normal.

In talking with a friend this morning, she used the word normal is such a simplistic, yet awesome way. "this is your new normal"
One of those silent "uh ha" moments happen in my head...like DUH Bec! What a terrific way to explain that to those who just do not get it. That Having ASL in our lives is our new normal, and sharing it with as many people as possible is a testimony to the Joy that knowing ASL can bring. Advocating that its OK to be accepting to all things and sharing all kinds of things, thus making this sometimes, dark and stormy, World a bit brighter.

I've been told by close family and friends that we should NOT EXPECT those around us to learn ASL. That Sophie is one person, and its would be easier to just have her use the gifts of technology to come through into their "world".
BUT
Why shouldn't I expect that. Like a "Hey you want to hang with us, Learn a bit as ASL, so You can communicate with all of us as a whole" Right? YES!!! We can't be the friend, the mom, the wife, the daughter (in-law), Son (in-law) sister, Aunt, Uncle, Brother, Husband, AND ALWAYS TRANSLATE. We of course Aren't expecting you to learn it all, or understand it all, We are still students of the language ourselves, but I don't think its asking too much, especially of close family and friends, to learn the basic's...average 100 Signs, (not including the alphabet) Its really NOT MUCH! And Its not too much to take in, it benefits, Your brain, it strengthens you bond with Sophie. All she asks for is love and attention. To fully know her, means to understand her, How else will you get the gist of her story tell, or her joke, or the tricks she likes to play on people. OH THE MIGHTY POWER OF LANGUAGE!
Any language, any knowledge is good knowledge and works the brain, and keeps the cells active.

I've had countless people, say "oh you know Theres this thing that fixes hearing, right, the cochlear implant, you should get her that" "Oh why doesn't she talk?" "whats wrong with her?" "why is she so loud, can't she be quiet?"
Its reallllllly annoying. You know theres better ways of asking questions Folks. and Truly, If You do not know anything about Cochlear implants, or whether or not we have one, or was looking into one, you should NEVER tell someone to get it to fix their child. Theres Nothing Wrong with being deaf. Not to mention, everything that comes along with the device. Its a wonderful invention, it works awesome, and helps, it allows hearing to happen, but theres so much more then comes along with it. So much work that the person has to do on a day to day basis. Its NOT A FIX. Its wonderful, we have witnessed great differences, and seen the power of Cochlear implants. We may get to see it through our Sophie one day. But please don't expect us to force it on her. Its Sophie's Choice

Matt and I both share the fear of what would happen to our children should GOD FORBID anything happen to us both. Who would be the best match to take our kiddo's. And We fear that without family ACCEPTING ASL as its necessity, and as Sophies MAIN language, that she will suffer even more. Her comfort, has never been hearing, but in seeing. If You take away her parents, and her communication, and force upon her something not vital to her very own existence...what does she have left? Its important for us to document, Sophies Choice. While we continue to ask her to use the C.I. While we are still on the path of fixing it and setting up Aural Therapies. We will always use ASL. We will always ALLOW our CHILDREN TO DECIDE what works for them. We try and come from a place of yes as often as possible. We are trying to instill independent virtues in all 3 kids. showing them that we support their choices.Giving them enough guidance to make smart ones, but ones that will work for them, and their future. Who Am I to say, what they can study, or what colleges they can Attend, Who are we, to say where they can live or how far away, or who to love. ya know? If we can provide a solid foundation, and show love and respect for them starting even this young, then we can assure ourselves that their future is grand. Their choices!
I hope that should something happen to Matt and I, those next in line to care for our children can honor that, honor our way of parenting. We are honest, and allow real life in their life, while also nurturing silly fun fantasy like, Santa Claus and the tooth fairy! I couldn't image it being any other way.


Matt and I lucked up with these Kiddo's. As crazy and loud as we all are as a group. As trying as times can be, as hair pulling as these kids ages are (especially 3s) We have this beautiful thing called Family.




American Sign language ROCKS!

Husband says this all the time

"You never realize how good things were, until you no longer have it"
My Husband is a smart man. An extremely hard worker. He loves his family and does what he can to make sure we are all happy and safe. So he knowing the trouble we are having in a very important matter, Hurts.
Having Moved so many times. Having seen friends and family go through different school systems because We have luckily found life long friends in every place we have lived, We can kind of get the feel to what schools work and why. Hawaii Is now our families 2nd school district for our own kids.
In the DOD school system on base in WA. While Emily's school didn't have the best ratings, her teacher was FANTABULOUS! Loved him. She was half day, and I still do not get how he managed to teach everything she knew to 20 kids in just 2 hrs a day. WITH NO AIDES! No help! Just him. You Rock Mr. T. Sophie's School on McChord had better ratings, and She had an awesome willing and amazing Teacher, Hi Mrs. Ellison, we miss you. Even Though she used S.E.E and There was an ASL interp. At the same time (which can cause confusion) and even though it was a mixed special needs class, Mrs.E and her helpers were the best. They were tuned in, on point, did everything they could to make sure Sophie Thrived. They started the love Sophie has for learning.
last year! NOT ONCE, was I called into the school, or got calls about Students pushing, kicking, or other harmful moments caused by a student, to Sophie. Was I called about injuries? OF COURSE! McChord and her Teacher did their due diligence as a School. In Emily's case. Emily being more of the shy one, soft spoken, and knowing what is class room acceptable and not, is now into her 2nd year of school, having NOT ONE incident. NOT ONE! Runs around outside, 2 times a day (two recesses, how lucky)has gym class, and "free play" in class, sits on the concrete floor, pumps into things often (shes my kid lol, plus her class is super tight.) And has never come home with bruises, cuts or what have yous.Her Class Has about 23+ Students and ONE TEACHER! again NO HELP~ Again, Emily's school doesn't have the best ratings on the Island for DOE. BUT, Her teacher, Mrs Rapoza is SO SUPER! I do not remember in the first grade learning about History,sociology, Or the human body. Emily totally knows what white blood cells are used for, what Antibodies are and how to properly take care of skin. ITS FREAKING AWESOME!!!!!! She knows so much! Its scary.
HSDB, Sophie's current school. Is definitely trying. Its had some spotted past for some students and is going through a growing period right now. New People in place trying to make the system better and working as it should. I'm too much of a worrier to have my kid in a place thats transitional and not steady on its own rules and ideas. Though, Sophie's teacher has a great Educational background. SHE KNOWS HER STUFF! and Shes a good teacher. When in class. Shes also a very busy lady. I do however think that shes not exactly equiped for this age group maybe. theres 9 students and like 3 aides along with Teacher,so how do all these accidents happen, thats 2 students per one adult... and When I went through Sophie's paperwork, the daily reports that get sent home, there are 9 bad incidents that involve another Student harming Sophie. Now on purpose? Or not? Not sure. Stories don't always add up. And THANKFULLY, in great appreciation, to her current teacher, Sophie is now able to tell me what happened to her and who did it. Not so much the WHY, part yet. But we will get there. Now I said 9 incidents involving Sophie getting hurt by another student...that does not include the few "accidents" that happened the first month of school before the started to send home the accident report. And that does not include the reports about her falling by her own account. (again My kid, We are a clumsy family apparently lol) Mind you, School hasn't even been in session 3 months yet. Doesn't that sound a bit much!??
I get that This is a deaf school, I get that the deaf kids can be more handsy and rough, and pivot their anger in a not so nice manner. BUT COME ON NOW! I can't tell if its poor student inter action or if its aides Not watching. Or The lack of Correction. Feeling like for a short time the daily lessons should not be about "hungry Caterpillars" or "the 3 little pigs" but should be about How to treat friends, and class mates, respect to adults, and listening to parents. They are 4 and 5, and old enough to get those lessons. I do my best at home, with the 3 kids. From the emails from Sophie's teacher, to my understanding, Sophie isn't being aggressive to them. Shes merely "annoying". Shes in their face and curious about What they are doing and why. She Sees a friend reading a book, and goes to see what book, and maybe read too...and that student doesn't want her there, but Phi wont leave...so that student then acts aggressively. OR The last one was Because Sophie was in the way, of another student viewing the pie baking in the oven, and shoved her. Shoved aside is one thing. But damn this student must of had some real gumption Behind the push because it caused Sophie to slam her face into the counter and bleed for what the office told me was 20 minutes, WITH an ice pack on her nose.
Now let me step back and explain. Sophie is a brut herself (at home) She and Ryan can't sit still, want to always play fight, and wrestle. And When Mad...they both go at it, LIKE SIBLINGS! With exception to the scratching (yes they scratch each other, tho I try and keep their nails short...Don't worry they get punished for scratching)There is never a mark inflicted on eachother by each other. In fact, An example to use, is over the weekend, they were NOT LISTENING TO ME, and were bouncing toward each other on the sofa, where one then would bend and the other would flip over their back. Laughing having fun, but again NOT LISTENING TO ME, about stopping before someone gets hurt. And Someone did, Phi! Ryan's hard head (like his daddy's)Cracked into her where her cheek bone meets the chin. I heard a CRACK, like when you hear the football helmets slam into each other on a tackle. Ryan bent down to get in position but at last minute decided tojust body check her instead. (OHHHHH BOYS!!!!!!!!) I freaked out by the sound, break them apart and Shes crying and "yelling" at Ryan. Her face, looks a little swollen, but no cut, no bruise (yet) nothing more then a little raised. Not even pink oddly. So I watch it the rest of the evening, and into Sunday...What do I see? NOTHING! no mark. Again I say it was a hard hit and the cracking sound when I think about it, still makes me cringe. So You readers tell me...How can she keep coming home with all these cuts and bruises from school, that Im being told comes from a student? But it not happen when I see it with my own eyes at home? How does that even work?
Is it by the hand of students? Is it by someone else?
I don't think Sophie is at the age where she can even get the magnitude of the situation.
Lately, shes not been wanting to go to school. Lately shes coming home in crap moods.

Im wanting to switch her school and Hawaii Department of Education (DOE) has proven to be battle! The professionals I need to speak with Wont even call me back. The School I want to visit, wont let me meet and speak with teacher and visit his class to see his interaction with the deaf students. I just want to see it, see his ASL with the students and how he runs his class.
I tell Ya, We were so excited to come here to Hawaii.
Excited to have a special school for Phi
Excited to be involved in Deaf community of Hawaii
Excited to be on this island and have another adventure.

And While we have loved seeing what we have, Love the esthetics of the Island, the people of Hawaii, the views, the beach...Its not the paradise We had hoped it to be.

Its making me feel regretful to have come here.
Its also left a bad taste in my mouth about deaf schools. Something Grams did warn me about.

Its put a real damper on my Love for Island life...Which leaves me to say the most disgusting thing Ever...WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN WASHINGTON!

But Like the Husband says
"You don't know how good you had it, until you don't have it anymore" He usually says the same thing, in multiple different ways ;) Love you hunnnnny!

Whatcha wanna know about my parenthood?

I used to sit on the floor of my Childhood bedroom, surrounded by my Favorite Fashion Magazines. Read them cover to cover then cut out all the parts I loved most. Next to me would be mounds of Journals I stuck them to, Pencils and blank paper for my desire to draw out dresses I'd love to one day make myself.

I used to take 30 minutes alone to just apply make up another 30 for my hair.
Would pick out my outfit the night before School, have it sprayed with my favorite Perfume and hung nicely on my door.

I used to be able to walk around in heels ALL day long. Run and jump in Heels.

Pj's were only worn in the evenings and to bed, NOT all day, although I did rock the house slippers out and about  now and again. YES GUILTY AS CHARGED~

I used to be able to stay up into the wee hours of the morning and sleep into 11am and Not have a care in the world about doing JUST that, Sleep, I seriously took for granted.


Now a days...
Showers are golden
Sweaters are prized
I have mastered how to paint my face and straighten my wavy hair in 20 minutes COMBINED!
Sadly Pj's and sweats are my go to ensemble
My Favorite Magazines Are in the bathroom, because its the only place I find peace during the day...ok not all day, they tend to bang on door, yell mom, and stick their chubby little fingers under the door.
Sleep...happens in bouts. Not full...still
I write in spare time, and its usually stuff people really could care less about reading. Because lets face it, While social media as completely taken over our lives here in this decade. People really do not care if your Son sounds super cute when bossing you around at the age of 2. Or your daughter Scored yet another Cool kid ticket, Or if you cat has learned how to open closed doors. They just want the juicy goodness and nothing more about the boring lives we lead. Yet...We continue to post and search and comment and like or in my case, Remove from my news feed...I am one of these fools on Facebook, twitter, yahoo...BLOGGER :p that visit too much, and lose time in the sites like Pinterest and youtube. Oh the Life I lead.

People want to hear, only when troubles are brewing, gossip can be shared, something terrible has happened, or only care if you "speak" to them first. They want a 1000 likes, hundreds of "friends" and to be told how wonderful their life is...Social media has turned us into insecure drones. But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the escape while my kids are tuned into something that doesn't involve my name or using my body as a jungle gym.

We find out more information about our loved ones online then we do any other way. We see what each others lives has become, and where it lacks. We hold no secrets and yet we also hide behind the perception that we are perfect, take perfect pictures, only post "nice" things about our family life and leave the rest untouched by truth.

In this house, I can say the truth is, We are all very loud, we yell...whether mad or happy, we are always yelling. Our neighbors must think we are the most insane people ever, WE NEVER hear them unless they are in the back yard and yet...their 3 cars are always in the drive way. I swear Neighboring Soldier boy Has no MOS. hahaha.
We Love deep so that means we fight hard.
We have 2 girls and thats a whole lot of attitude. It astonishes me what comes out of their super tiny bodies.
The 3 kids can be down right mean to each other, but at the same time, always have to kiss each other goodnight, big hugs and I love Yous to go around.
Matt and I bicker...stupid stuff, but then always seem to work it out. I get mad, punch "toward" him a few times and he just stands there, "like Ok, like that tiny fist can do real damage" Waiting for me to get over it, stop over reacting, pull back my temp and walk away....OH WAIT THATS WHERE MY GIRLS GET IT FROM ;)
The boy~ Well...mamas boy for sure, but man is he go go go go and scrappy. Seriously mini Matt, he doesn't ever stop and then does a 1000 things all at once.
MY KIDS DRIVE ME insane. So yes I do hide now and then through out the day to re-compose my mama mode. Pull sanity back to me and go again. I love my life, I love my kids, I love Matt, I love our Family, I love our life style. But I will not pretend that life is a perfectly beautiful budding Garden of peace and enchantment. People lets get real.
If we spent more time in the real world and not trying to show the world the glories of Parenthood and marriage and life in general, maybe Things would be different.
We should never strive for perfect, because then you will always be disappointed. Strive for Happiness instead.


Parenthood, Isn't all about dressing up our "dolls" and toting them around like beautiful little packages, knowing good and well, that eventually that doll is going to poop so bad it runs up her back and through the dainty little outfit you prized so much.
That 8 out of 10 burps will involve puke. That will involve a change of clothes for everyone or into your hair when your shower is still hours away...
A trip to the park with your toddler means MANY heart attacks about where they are playing. Its more work while at the park then getting ready to go to the park.
School mornings mean, early mornings, fights over outfits, hair thats too knotted up and kids who refuse to eat more then one bite of a healthy much needed breakfast.
Bedtimes means Hearing your name called 20 times for little things like " My blankets Not covering my feet" or they can not reach that Toy thats 4 inches from their legs.
Getting into the Car means fits over who sits where, and taking 10 minutes just to buckle in.
Massive amounts of home work for kids who are 5 and 6 years old.
Worrying CONSTANTLY but we know that never goes away ;)
Potty training is a nightmare, and laundry piles up everyday everywhere.
If you don't buy multiples of the same things, its Utter Chaos.
Meal time everyone wants something different (not that thats excepted in this house, but it doesn't stop the complaints)
Sharing is the Hardest thing when it comes to siblings....apparently in their handbook, it just doesnt work that way.
Theres Confusion ALL the time.
BUT then something happens...You notice the kids looking to see if you are watching them do a cool trick they learned. You hear them sing songs verse for verse. They Make you a hand made card when they are supposed to be in bed sleeping, not drawing.
The quickly blown kiss from the bus window, before anyone else sees.
The pride in school made projects.
The random kiss on the cheek or distance run just for a hug.
The rare moment they just help clean up or get excited every time they are making their bed, on their own better and better each time.
The moment they say " you made the best mommy" at dinner instead of crying that its green and not pink noodles this time.
The moment toys are shared without asking and they are playing all together nicely with no one left out crying.
Those moments...though, few and far between, help us parents out.
Parenthood is hard work, not for everyone, worth every moment of Crazy and painful moments.
For us, We couldn't erase all the hard parts, because then these good parts wouldn't be so loved and Cherished.
It goes for life in general too, not just for us parents.
If everything was easy, what would we long for? work for? hope for?

Sure, things surely have changed from the quiet of my bedroom floor to the chaos of Lunchtime in the Decker house hold.

Sure, I do not always look like I used to, Don't always get a chance to straighten my hair...and I have literally forgotten what it feels like to wear foundation (not just because of time limits but because I choose not to wear the awful stuff) Im no where near as Tan as I should be.
However, I have pieces of me that are so wonderful, Emily, Sophia and Ryan. And taking care of them, and my husband...Makes wearing Sweats n Simply mascara and lip stain, well worth it all~