Saturday, November 27, 2010

been thinking...

Sometimes in the heat of the moment we all jump to conclusions. We listen to what we are told instead of looking for the truth. We hold things against people that arent any of our business. We cringe n shutter at a mere issue, that we werent involve in because somewhere down the "telephone" line, things got changed n messed up, the story then false. Just like that silly little "telephone" game we play as kids, to see if the person at the end of that long sharing line was told "the truth". Things get mis understood. N, I for one feel bad. its happened to me.

Lately Ive been feeling as tho I am invisable. That people only included me in the gossip that I had no business being in. Stories all got changed, n my need to swallow it over came me. N im more n more regretting it. Here we are now, N im pushed aside, im lost in the shuffle of things, over looked, n not really cared for. N I guess thats my own doing. I stepped out of my norm when I came here to Fort Irwin, I tried to make friends, Something thats not easy for me, I tried to put myself out there, n climb out of the hermit crab shell I like to stay with in...n all it did was get me in trouble, hurt me, n make me feel like a bad person.
Nothing personally was done to me by the friend I pushed away, I took other peoples stories to heart in fear that drama would suck me in n i'd wind up doing something I regret.......yet!!!! It happened anyway. just in a different way.

Maybe Im being overly sensitive. Maybe Im seeing something different. Or maybe this something was never there to begin with. The people who I say our my few friends here on post...just maybe just maybe are not. especially since they got their group of friends they were missing back. Here I am again, outkasted......well at least feeling that way.

So here I go, cutting myself off from the world again, putting the lid back on my jar of "pitty me", n being the loaner mom, I guess I was always meant to be. I cant help but think, too, that this time of year is the worst for me. Holidays' n missing my ever so crazy family n especially my real friends from back home ( tho again they are so few...enough to count only on one hand)

Still, Im sad since losing such a dear Friend on Thanksgiving (R.I.P Ricky J Vidal I love you) t young age of yet another drunken overdose. It brings out all the sorrow in me...makes me think even harder, torture myself for making others feel worse about themselves, because thats not like me. thats not what Im about. N Im truly sorry, if I could take things back I completely would. Ive missed out, my kids have missed out, n IM an idiot. I CAN NOT WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT SOPHIES TEST ON TUESDAY N HOPEFULLY GET OFF THIS POST BY THE SUMMER, maybe I can start over. n this time be a real friend.

Because Im sorry...but I dont know how else to get it heard

Sunday, November 14, 2010

what a mess

I have said it time and time again. You make life as happy as you are. So if you are not happy, then the life you lead will be nothing but short of happiness. If its love you seek, you must love yourself, Love God and search for it. If you already found love, and feel it slipping away, then working on it first and foremost, should be your top priority. If you are lacking something in your life, its your job to take a step back and figure out why...Life is not black and white, its not one straight line, its hard work, and you have to make the reward worth the work.

Theres certain people in my life lately that I have let go of. And not because they had wronged me personally, but because they seem to have been on a downward spinal, I can only say what I say so much, before its too annoying. I can warn, I see what I see, n Im not about drama anymore, my life is full enough of my own. So before I stepped in it, I cut it out of my life. Sure, this person may have needed my help, but when advice was given it went in one ear and out the other, and recent events have proven to me, that I got out just in time. So I give my help through prayers and thought. Hoping that the wake up call is sooner rather then later, but...

truthfully, I dont see that happening. Respect, for other people, for loved ones, for honesty, is all my life is about right now.

My family happiness comes before anyone else.

Fact of the matter I just dont get it. I dont get why people take something good they have and mess it up. I dont get why they think the grass is always greener...What ever happened to looking temptation in the eye and sending it packing???? life is as you make it right? You reap what you sow. N i hope that people get whats comin to them.

SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME~ Wonder why people get cut off...because they are toxic, irresponsible and self indulged in what makes them happy...But when you are in a relationship its always best to look at the picture as a whole~

Nothing is perfect, but no one said a relationship is perfect.

Plus...may I say that rumors spread like wild fire, some true some not. Its a game of telephone, people seem to hear what they wanna hear, and the story winds up trickling down the phone line all wrong...When does the maddness stop?? When the people the rumor is about, stops hiding and tells the truth for once~
But shelfish people get what they deserve, if not by us, then by a higher power.

At the same time, people may not know the ins and outs of a relationship, and I place no judgment however, I do know, that theres a right way, n a wrong way...people make stupid choices, and wind up...exactly where they deserve...Karma baby Karma.

I know this whole blog is spotty n may not make sense, but its therapy to me...I get it off my chest, and maybe even the people its involving may read this. N know that...they messed up big time. People got hurt, people are sad, and suffering... at your hand.

Looks to me like some people are a lot more like a chick they talked smack about all the time because of her constint infidelity n bad behavor toward a good man...then they let on~~~ ugh Im soooo frustrated and saddened. I thought I had found an honest to God, down to earth, truthful, reliable, and safe friend...N I was way wrong. Back to being the cautious friend finder I started to be years ago.