SEEING IT

For the first time, EVER DID i look at my reflection and see the possiblities. Now, With Losing weight, Ive struggled...NO LIE and its Obvious. I love my Food and the thought of Cutting back on my vices Is Hard, BUT it must be done. Before, I could close my eyes and Picture myself healthy,lean and happy with my body. I could close my eyes and see myself leading others to the same accomplishment...but not once did I ever see it in my REAL own reflection.
That is until today~ Stupid as it is, I dont follow a video, or a rigorous plan on working out just yet.~ I follow my body. I blast Pandora Radio with up beats I can work my muscles to. I Literally Dance around, Flexing muscles and extending muscles. moving to raise my heart beat and Feel the sweat. Dance Form, isnt perfect, BUT secretly IM A REALLY GOOD DANCER. This Chubs got skill ;) Belly Rolling, Hip Hop on my own comes pretty natural. Definitely NOT a pro on the dance side...I dont know terms or names of moves BUT WHO The hell cares, My kids are the only ones who see it! Which side note, Today for the First time ever Ryan Bopped to the music with me...LOOKED SO CUTE
With my Dance Circuits, I use ab moves, Belly dance, and cut with a kettlebell, MY MOST FAVORITE TOOL. Kettlebell is hard, and hardcore when Done properly. Nice to know in my studies Ive learned a good deal about technique.
I have a long way to go, BUT im getting there. Im working towards it. I will be almost to my Goal by NEW YEARS 2012.

The sweat feels amazing <3

...untitled

Is it true...That which isnt easy, makes us stronger?
Sometimes I wonder about all these Crazy sayings. Why do we try and live in a world of denial.

Life is hard and thats all thats too it. Still, I find myself chanting those very inspired sayings, after singing those low blues tunes.
Cliche in the very most.

Its moments like last night. When I fight with the one Person Im drawn to, that makes me torment myself all over again. We dont Always fight...at least night real fights. But Last night, When I walk away, and close myself off and not want to speak anymore, thats when its bad. When,I look at him and say..."DID HE REALLY JUST SAY THAT?"
and Im not innocent, I say things that he says are RUDE, but I get to a breaking point I guess.
Call me crazy but I hate fighting.
In the end we went to bed not fighting, but Im sure, HE too,just like me was thinking about the issue at hand. Still, I fell asleep and Slept decent enough to not let the confrontation Bother me.

Life...All these highs and lows are part of life...life...and I love my life. Hard at times, boring at others, fun and exciting. Interesting and Full of support and love. But it can be work. ANd it can get exhausting. And I think.............Its super normal.

So,off to greet the rest of the day. Fill it with my Kids laughter and Enjoy the time we are together. They are growing fast and soon will all be in school and not want much to do with their old parents!

just a Tuesday

Today, Not much has happened.
Did another work out. Slowly but surely getting myself prepped for the BIG work outs I want to start. Yesterday was Abs with Denise Austin, and TOday was my Kettle bell work out. All before the kids got out of bed.
That Kettle bell surely makes my heart race. and boy did I sweat.
Been cutting back on my eating habits and looking into more "CLEAN" eating. I really need to just stick the clean eating for a month and I know it will make me feel better a nd not want those bad sweets and salt again.
Doing all the studying and research I can do TO melt my fat and get me healthy. As much as people hate hearing these words Im going to say them
"im pre-diabetic" I can feel it, see it, with my night sweats and sugar dropping, hunger and bathroom breaks at night. Its exhausting. I LOVE FOOD, thats my problem. Now I just need to enjoy the right FOODS.

Meanwhile, GOT GREAT NEWS TODAY. Housing for living on post Called.
Our new home at Madigan will be ready some where between the 15th and the 20th...YAY!!!!!!!!! Im so excited! SO excited. And Perfect timing too before matt leaves on his Army training session to Indiana...Though it sucks he'll be gone during my birthday, its nice Ill be able to just unpack and hang things on the bare walls and make it look like a home sweet home, for when he gets Back. Ill miss him terribly. We havenet spent nights apart since last winter when he was Out in the field training at Irwin. The kids will make me bonkers, but we will be on base...GREAT PARKS, the Splash Park, Heather and make new friends to keep close by!

I so badly want to join the Derby team as well. So between moving on post, working out and clean eating I should get it DONE! How cool it will be to skate out some stress and enjoy girl time!!!!!!

end all to my be all. for now!!!

Its kind of a rough morning.

Barely slept. Had a the weight of the world it seemed on my shoulders.

With trying to cute back on my posting in Facebook, I find myself here. When im alone, and Not sure how to clear my mind. My Go to- fix it, is writing. Truth is, Feeling a bit lost, not posting a new STATUS update. How lame is that? Since when did Facebook, take over my mind!
Were it not my main communication with Friends and family afar, and were it not how I allow them to kind of keep tabs on the kids...then RIGHT NOW, RIGHT THIS MOMENT, I WOULD DELETE MY ACCOUNT.
Its taking up space...waste of time for the most part.

And Really...No one cares what I have to say. Its no ones business at that.
Im just asguilty for being nosey, and a cyber facebook stalker...

But it really is sad, when im moreinterested in what my "like" fan pages have going on and say,then those who are on my friendslist.

Lets be real. its fun while it lasts, but when Im not caring what status' say and only care when im in a messaging "WAR" lol with people I do care about, IM BORED OUT OF MY MIND. And Really, could do the same VIA email. YAHHHHOOOOOOOOO

PLay games...not as much anymore, the ones I was addicted too, now~ UGH Im trailing the leader bored and NOT CARING.

Maybe when Im out of my current end all and start over idealistic phase, and NOT truly sucking in this funk of mine, Ill be back on the facebook wagon. The tangent of status updating and cyber stalking my loved ones.

Till then Im laying off a bit, keeping it minimal and short and sweet and hidden. But really its going to be a change, to not run to the computer to sign in because...Ill have nothing to do. Love being a stay at home mom right now, but there are dull moments.

I should spend this time wisely with studying and trying to nail down a plan for my career future....

So heres to trying my anti-facebook run...prolly wont last long tho :)
and because im not sharing this post on FACEBOOK, lets see if I get anyone to read it LMFAO!!!!!

planting seeds.

If I had a nickel for everytime I wanted to move. Money would never be an issue. Satisfaction, doesnt seem to come easy to me. Im the World Worst.."be-er". hmmm my play on "Do-er/go-getter"

Traveller life is so appealing to me. I root myself in my family. These Kids of mine, my Husband. Not the land. Had i known how strong these feelings were back in high school, im sure My career would have definitely been about Traveling.

What I've come to realize is that. This Family runs. We find ourselves in a situation we arent comfortable with, and want to run and try something new. Only to wind up either, still not happy, or Back IN New York. Doesnt boade well with us. The Thought of Going HOME. HOME to where our family began is so tempting. But, When has it ever did us any good?

In the army now. Hard, low rank...HARDER. Family of 5 EVEN HARDER. As thoughts of wanting to run from the Army, and get out and thinking of every stupid possible reason WHY, to make us feel like...the right choice is to leave it in the past. MAY not be the right PATH.
We were thinking LOCALLY, NY because we know it, and we can Tolerate staying put for the benefit of the kids.
Meanwhile, in Hinde site...MAYBE those roots we hate to plant, shouldnt be focused on where to plant for consistance in geographical location, but more in rooting in a career path that benefits As A whole, and Teach our Children, instead of always leaving...FINALLY sticking it out. ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. If we canstick out the next few rough years as Matt moves up in rank...and it only gets better then we will be successful at that new goal. Instead of AGAIN trying to start over in Middletown.
Think this is a healthier plan. A sensible plan. Instead of Trying to have a quick financial FIX...the long term benefits would be more full-filling. And Bonus we can to continue moving and moving and moving.


So, Planting my feet in God, in the Faith I have and in this Family.
Taking Pride it what it means...being in the service of our Country

lets talk about...

Traditionally, I blog about "FEELINGS" ohhh yes those annoying things that RULE my life and get in the way or stear me, left, right, up, down. I blog Mostly about Sophie and the Journey, then next about ALL kids. Then my life as mom and wife. Army life and So on. Basically whatever is going on that put me in the Blogger Mode. Writing, Whether Im good or Bad at it. Is Who I am. Grammatically I SUCK! No one has to remind me of that...nor the fact I cant spell, and Not all my thoughts are thought out evenly. But...I Write, therefore I am. (Jenny, you know this to be most true)
Tonight, However Gypsy has been on my mind. Well, Truthfully the last few nights, but Ive got the time right now to type.
Gypsy, Gypsy, Gypsy! my beautiful, Loveable, Kitty! Weird right? Most of you who know me well, Know Ive NEVER NEVER NEVER been a cat person...DOGS all the way. And it didnt Help that I am HIGHLY allergic to Cats. My face would swell and eyes red and sneezey and itchy and dry closing throat. I distinctly remember spending the night at my Neighbors house in Howells one night. they had Cats. By BED TIME I WAS HORRIBLE. Everyone slept so sound and there I was Basically hanging my head out the bedroom window, IT WAS SO COLD, but it was the only way I could breathe. Dont even get me started with Kitten dander (as if its different then adult cats...I dont know)I react faster and worse with them. When i lived at Matts parents house I LIVED on benadryl in the evenings, SO BAD that Im not lieing when I say I had to detox when I moved out,because it helps me sleep and without the addiction I had of it I COULDNT SLEEEEEEP.
Back to Gypsy...
When I was pregnant with Ryan, I think there was this switch that got flipped. I was researching Siamese Cats. Wanted one so bad. And then when we moved to California, there was one att he vet needing a home! But of course ihad one giant turd in the way ...REESE. She eats cats.
Never bothered, and still I wanted one. Then When we no longer had Her and got perris We thought about a cat. Saw A beautiful GIANT one at Petsmart. HUGE HUGE but...didnt feel right.
Then that Fateful day when I stumbled on the Ad on a yardsale website of a family needing a home for their 5 month old cat. Wanted nothing in return for her...or her things. SHE was beautiful. Convinced Matt and I went with Sophie to pick her up.
For us...it was love at first scratch...for The Cat who was named Mittens (blahhhh)at the time IT WAS NOT! she was SCARED TO PIECES, took 20 mins to get her out of van and 2 days before she came out for more then 3 minutes from under the couch. Slowly she got familiar with our loud family and new scents. Now, As a previous Dog person, I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CATS. Are they Loyal? do they get excited to see you!? I dont know!
When Irene came and saw Gypsy before they moved...they loved her. But knew that Mittens wasnt the right name, and together we tried to think of something smart...eventually getting Gypsy. And it suites her, as we are prepping for another move...to move on Base, it will be her 4th move if you include our time spent in the hotel. She and perris get along pretty well, playing, fighting, humping. Tho As A result Gyp has some brutal scars on her ears from EVIL little Rat Dog. I dont know what it is now, but all dogs of all sizes DRIVE ME INSANE. I HAVE NO DESIRE or WILL to be around them...they suck. Its feels to me like out of NO where Im a batty cat lady...but hey thats FINE WITH ME.
Gyps has shown me all of her sides. Shes testy with the kids now and then,cuz they are rough. She play bites with matt but with me...shes a sweetie. Although most of the time Im not left alone...not even in the bathroom, where she assumes position on my shoulders...YES SHOULDERS!!!
I do have my moments of dry nose and throat with her, some itchy eyes now and then, but nothing Like Ive experienced in the past...Shes super clean and So am I when it comes to making sure I wash my hands after loving her and not having her near me when I eat. shes quirky like me. Loves Fruit and Gold fish crackers. and cuddle time...Dawn will be surprised When I say,Idont even mind her up on my counter (unless Im cooking)
Love my Gypsy! Couldnt have asked for a better First real pet as a cat!

and shes so not a DIVA...she shys away from the camera ;)

Round 1

Well, we survived the first round of new appointments for Miss Sophia. I cant say ENOUGH right now about the kids new Doctor. Dr. Redick. At first he was not listed as our primary for them. But after sitting and talking with him yesterday we were more then thrilled that he asked us if we would like to switch to be under HIS CARE. Positive thing being hes awesome and personable, but he just arrived here at Lewis, SO i know he wont be moving on to a new base anytime soon! And Sophie likes her Familiars.

He sat with us, talked to us about why we were there, Sophies history, and what we want from her future. He even understood WHY I was on the fence about the implant. Taking the conversation into his own hands, stating that it can be a daunting under taking, and The companies boast about the Positives, and the deaf community talks about how its against them. HE KNEW RIGHT WHERE I WAS COMING FROM.

Madigan army Medical Center~*~*~

He understood, that I dont want stastics,I dont want positives, or negatives really, I want reality. Reality about the life a 2-12 year old would under take with the methodology of having that type of Hearing instrument. I want to HEAR a recipient speak about the therapies and the hardships of learning to listen and then speaking. Because its reality!

Sophie Has no memory of sound. I know her first time Will be scary and then exciting.

So Dr Redick put the referrals in, and we get to make appts from them after Monday! YAY! Appointments for New Audiology, New ENT, New Otolarynologists, and NOW also for A review by the Physical therapy department, to see if theres some Exercises we can do with Sophie for her balance. Even tho we know her balance is an inner ear relation, Practice cant hurt!

My little Sophie Ge-Ge only weighs......26 pounds! lol. Shes lost weight with her picky typical 2 year old eating and just seems to be short :) NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. So got 4 shots yesterday and has a low grade fever as a result, poor thing got them in the legs and couldnt even get up on Sofa by herself last night :( But positive...she wanted to be snuggled.

So Im hoping by Mid-August we will have our first Audio appointmet and new hearing AIDS as her are already broken and looking like a snug fit in those little ears.

So...Its not a definite yes on the implants, but gradually as time is now closing in on us and appointments are ready to be made, Im leaning MORE toward the implants. Regardless to the odd implant dreams I have and terrors about it! Maybe it is the right thing.

Im thankful for a smart understanding Childrens Doctor right now, and Hoping the specialists are just as Great (raising hands up in Sign Language)

what Reality? A bi-cultural bi-lingual notion

So I've been reading. A lot. Of what the Deaf Community likes to speak out on. How they enlighten newbies...oldies and naysayers. View on life, Childhood, their parents, H.As, C.Is, being oral, no speech at all.ASL and signing alike.
To then the product at Sophies hands. Hearing aids for the profoundly deaf...Cochlear implants made by TONS of different hearing technology companies. Audists views, ENT Docs. Therapies and the NOTION that life would be sweet and blissful after implantation.
Videos and reads that make it seems as tho the implantee will Eventually be able to listen fluently, speak clearly, feel alive and empowered and grateful. They get recipients to sit in for an interview and speak about life before and after. The Grandness of it all!
But what saddens me is that out of all the videos, ONLY 1 i've seen showed a teenage girl, speaking, listening and signing in what technically can be called her native language! A beautiful language!...ONE video

the product videos and information forget to imform the viewers the actual amount of time and practice and skill the person then puts into using their BIONIC ear. The time taken away from child interaction, after school activities and such. True...with an implant the joy of sound comes to life. Music is heard and not just felt. Speech is a bit better, inflection is recongizable. Sounds may come "easier" to those who think its a magic hear all solution...and maybe it is, for those recipients, who have had some sound before and gradually lost it! Those priviledged enough to have had enough sound before Hearing loss and learned to speak. who already know what music sound waves actually sound like.

How About those in Sophies case. Lost it as an infant. Doesnt know what sound is. Wouldnt understand it at first. Wouldnt know where to look for it...PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. like learning to play an instrument. Which infact the hearing technology some what is. To learn, to distinguish where, what, who and why things sound the way they do...its a different form of hearing. Its still something that is worked on. Through out life...while it might not be a stuggle to listen and hear but its still a job, to pay attention to!

Yes yes the apposing arguments rebuttal...everything takes practice. Even with the CIs she will have to Practice reading lips, and pay more attention to her surroundings. She will still have countless speech therapies to help her orally, and ASL communication will take practice as well, and the whole family must join in on learning.(where we can then rebuttal,ASL is a language and just as hearing children learn speech at ages 0-3 to as does The deaf with ASL, they will learn their ABC's and 123's in the same manner just a different format)


So, this leaves us where? Still stuck. Im batting all around what to do in the life of our Daughter. Im doing my best to make informed decisions, and not go based off what may be easier, or what may make her average. And A lot of my readers...may not like my stand on the position, THeres no right answer! Just what is right for right now. A dear friend how ever did bring to light,that...maybe we found out Matt was joining army, and then Sophie was deaf,to better help us aquire any tool to help her in her Journey...CIs after all are extremely expensive,and the army has great coverage. Therapies are expensive. Private Schools are expensive.

Reality is in the definition. Maybe? Possibly? Is it? our Reality is Having a deaf daughter, which, lets be honest, Is amazing! And With or Without CI's its a matter of fact and will never change. So its our reality...The question is where does she fall in line. Deaf Community, Hearing World, the in between bouncers.
In one day and age there was the oralists. Deaf people who in a sense were forced into speaking only, and lip reading to make due...because Families didnt or couldnt learn ASL...in some way shape or form, does CIs feel the same way?
We dont want to comform, yet. Pick or choose...you comform either way! its a matter of heart and desire and how hard you are willing to work.

Some say super smarts come with ASL...learning to read at an Early age. great body language readers...deaf super powers! Other idiots think...deaf and dumb, as I have read time and time again in my research. SO sad and uncalled for. Its a lot to take into consideration.

So...to be bi-cultural and bi-lingual, to live in both worlds. One foot inside each...is it possible? as more and more Deaf receive the implant, and the old Deaf community is either disappearing or changing with the times...to be more accepting DUE to the large amount of receivers. Can living in both worlds, HELP! In this day where BULLYING is a media frenzy. Having a place to belong seems to be key, making others feel welcomed and wanted and loved and NOT bad about themselves, makes all the difference in a childs life. Yet, As I have come across people from both of these sides..its seems to me that CI children fail to belong...and for what reason I dont truly know. YET!

While, it was said to me once.."how could I consider leaving Sophie in her present Deaf state?when we have this instrument as an option" AS if to be abuse...Really is it abuse? its all she knows, and yet shes the happiest and Easiest 2 year old I've seem. Shes Flamboyant and mysterious and loveable and full of character...sure she can be the polar opposite at times...but that comes with the fact shes Deaf...and I truly dont believe an implant is going to make her SCARY tactics of Sophie-ness any less dramatic and heavy!

Havent made my mind up yet...New Doctors,new thoughts, new possiblities...So lets see.

Thought of the fact programs can kick us out of it, if we get CIs and still use and learn ASL as a communication baffles me...really????? WHY??? WHY??? but its ok to teach hearing kids, of all mannerisms to sign, as a form of communication...but not CI kids! WHAT THE F???? lets see if Fort Lewis Speech and therapies feel that way.

Docs on the 18th. Lets see what happens after that!!!! <3