Monday, January 31, 2011

And Without Words

With each and everyday, I see a Change. As my little girl blossoms right before my very eyes. She Laughs, and she plays. She cries and she begs. She speaks to me without any Words. A language only a mother can "FEEL". I've come to know her looks, her grunts. I've come to understand how to live in Silence, although Sophie is anything but!
She Makes us laugh so hard, Not at her, not at her sometimes miscommunication but at her mere hilarious actions. She will play PRETEND, she will purposely walk and run in SLOW-MO! Literally, then get really fast and silly. KNowing exactly what she is doing. She loves her sister and her brother. Will run to comfort them when they cry (as long as they werent crying at her hand). She the poster-girl of a very imaginative 2 year old girl. Expressive in everyway although without Words.
Sophie has given me a new look at life, and wonder. I would not change this experience for anything in the World. We spend our days in a land of joy and wonder. I swear she will wind up in some kind of acting or production career. Shes too funny and theatrical not too. We have finally started to find a path of ease and direction really. We find the strength each day in God and in each other to make it through, and Without Words, we still survive!

"Deafness has left me acutely aware of both the duplicity that language is capable of and the many expressions the body cannot hide.” Terry Galloway

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content." Helen Keller

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Would you like some poetry?

Pitter patter, Pitter patter
Of tiny little Feet.
Honey Dews, and I love yous'
from minature faces, so sweet!

Wrestling matches,foot ball catches
from pint sized girls are fine.
barbie dolls, to soccer balls
being a tomboys not a crime.

No PEAS, just Candy please
sometimes I want to scream
They have my heart no matter what
these little girls came from my dreams.

Pitter patter, Pitter patter
of tiny little feet
from left hooks to barbie books
they make my life so sweet!

Life, Oh Life, yes life, the things that you have brought
the joys ive shared, the danger I darned, dreams that I have sought.
It all began one early spring day,with Sun high in the sky.
That Life, OH life, life did bring.
To me something so sureal.Love. yes love, For I can not Lie.
I never saw it coming, though sometimes i wish I did.
For life, oh life, life did bring
His Smile, so enticing, his charm, undeniable,humor never Dry.
We met oh that fare day, with the sun high, and still this day we,
life, Oh Life, yes Life, we are still one! A family you have brung.
Im forever grantful of the chances we had taken,this life we started making. The Hope, the Love, The life, the future all worth saving.
Life, Oh Life, yes life, Forever and ever changing!

Falling down, broken, powerless, alone.
To never more see myself, except on the the floor.
I close my eyes and reach up, waiting for that hand.
To clasp with mine, but nothing, not even a grain of Sand
I do not feel. I do not sleep. I do not know. Who am I now?
I scream, I scream, A plead and cry, no one hears no matter how loud.
I wait, in tears, I sob in sheets, Still All I have ever known is out of reach
One day with faith, and hope and Strength, Ill peal myself from this tear soaked Floor.
Ill stand up tall, Ill wipe my eyes, put on a smile and walk out the door.
With this life etched on my skin, to remind me daily of where I've been.
Ill wear it proud, like a badge of honor, Smile, yes smile and ponder.
Where I would be if I stayed down, soaking wet there on the ground.
still, Im not there anymore, I did get up, this life I live for.
I would not take back any time, This life,YES! This is mine!

All Written By ME! Like it, OR dont!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

where it stems from...

Lord Knows So much has been happening these last few months. things that have been out of my control, things that have left me weak and powerless over. Stuff I cant change but wish I could.

Im a pusher, Im a person who will instantly push people away when its not working for me. Or when I get angered tooo much. Its a big fault of mine. Something I thought I had worked on, but as these last few weeks have shown, Its still a working progress.

There are things about me, about who I am, about my struggles and faults that I wondered why they are the way they are with me. And I think after thinking long and hard I now know where it stems from.

Beneath all my many layers. Beneath everything I am, and everything I hide, My insecruities and pushing...stems from my unconscience feeling of abandonment. Maybe it doesnt make sense to you readers but If I really think about it, theres a long line of abandonment that has made me who I am today.

I always believed that babies have the memory completely opposite of that of an Elephant...while I dont remember anything From my baby and tot years, and Now believe that deep with in me, having been left to rot and Die by my birth mom, left an open wound, that was left open and became the breeding ground for more issues. A hot bed of....PAIN!

Years of growing pains, being left by friends, pushed away from friends. going into resentment for My pre-teen years where I felt like more of a rebel teen mom to my brothers then anything else. To a teenager to acted out by lieing and seeking ALL the wrong kind of guys. Getting in trouble, scary trouble, painful trouble. Still left to play Teen mom. Hmmm Abandonment....Like I was the only one around to emotionally care for my brothers. For the house! for my own school work. Where was my mom? Where was my dad? Home...working...sure...but why should life have to take over so much, that responsiblities with in the emotional well-being of children faulter?

After high school, I ran away from NY! thinking thats what I needed. Thinking that my families issues would be escaped and I would be a stronger person. Life for me was moving on, all the while, my families "together-ness" was riping at the seams. Moved back to NY because I got pregnant and wanted my family near me, wanted my moms support. Moved back home. But, didnt get even a piece of the support I needed, I wanted. I craved for. I was alone...for being surrounded by all the people who claimed to love me. A growing baby inside me, and the growing desire to RUN again. Maybe the whole time of me running, was me trying to FIND a place where I felt wanted, and needed and loved and NOT JUDGED. 2 months of living back in my parents house...we moved out and into our first middletown Apt. Only to a month later see my best friend Move out of the same complex....ALONE...AGAIN! Pregnant, A relationship like the Waves of the ocean, had me high on so much anxiety it led me to pre-term labor...which landed me in the Hospital for 3 days...ALONE! Selfish to say yes, lives move on, it doesnt come to a stop just because I was in need. People Work and People have things to take care of...I get that. Thankfully the Lord allowed the labor to stop and I went 7 more weeks before Emily Was brought into this World. But again...In the hospital having Emily. THo I made the mistake of Not allowing certain people in the birthing room once I had started to push and push..I still never got another visit from the ones I hurt that night! My mom never came back! She never came to see me or the baby after we got home either, for months!!! Abandoned again, during one of the most needed Motherly times, I needed her. Im thankful for those who did come to visit in the Hospital after I had Emily, uncle Paul, Aunt Juanita and Dave, Kelley and Al. Dawn and Jay. The same loved ones who also came to visit me and baby at home once we were back, who made dinners for us, to make it easier for me, who watched Reese while We were away. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Jeanna and Brandon for Coming and letting me take my First baby free shower. Thank You! But where was my parents?...again. Left alone, left to parents.

My wedding...WHERE WERE MY PARENTS! The point was to have it small and only immediate Family. I wanted Matts Parents to be there, and my parents and Brothers to be there. And I got stood up by my family. Thank Jesus for Good Friends dawn and Jason for coming otherwise I would have had NO ONE there on my side....still for sucha happy day. I felt Alone!

Pregnant with Sophie, and Huge Fight with my father, led to me being disowned and pushed away....left me broken. Tho I held it together in face, once he left and the front door closed, I ran to hide in the closet. The smaller the space during my moments of Tragedy, the better i felt. We've made up since then, good now. But theres still, that sting, that thought! that sense of he so easily saying those words and walking away! 4th notch in the pole of MALE insecurities, I hold.

Moved back to NY a month after Sophies Birth in Iowa. after having Run to Iowa in the fall of that year after the fall out with my father. But moved back home again, because Again In my moment Of intense NEED I wanted my mom. I needed my mom, I wanted to be saved from the post-pardom depression that had taken over me. But all Anyone saw when we got home, was Bitch, was How wrong I am, was How all my choices had left, us penniless and in a sense homeless. No one understood, Not even my husband, because one huge thing I fault in, is talking openly about my feelings. I bottle everything up and hide it. AGAIN 2 months of living home, before we were then kicked out, YES kicked out! And Thankfully was able to stay 3 weeks at Dawn and Jasons before we decided to Pack up again and run away to Florida.

5 and half months after moving to Florida, Matt joined the army. 2 weeks before he left for his basic training we discovered MUCH to my surprise. That I was Pregnant AGAIN!...2 weeks into it. Matt left...and AGAIN I was alone. Thankfully this time around moving back to NY and into my fathers house it went...ok...I had some help with Kids, the Girls and I were provided with Food and warmth, and safety. My brother gave us a car. It was pretty good. Spent time with Friends, enjoyed life. Even tho Matt was away and it was hard especially on Emily. We were surrounded by goodness.

We moved to California for the Army, I put myself out there, knowing that now more then ever I needed to break out of my shell and be open to new friends and different types of personalities to go along with it. Its started out great. Having a blast at the pool, coffee gatherings, and play dates, trips to the parks with friends and Parties and good conversations. but few months later, Im left alone again! Physically my friends list has been cut...emotionally IM drowing. Family life is hard, Stuff with Sophie is hard, now some friends gone.
And Now this week, more then ever I feel another friend, Someone I told everything too, and talked to everyday, who was there for me....I feel her drifting away! And With everything else going on. I havent felt this alone...IN A LONG TIME!

I know this entry is full of bad things, and sad things and self pity. But the venting and the writing it all down,is healthy for me. Is...what I need.
Some of this might hurt people! but, thats not my intention. My point is that Im understanding where my insecurities come from...why Im so afraid of being alone. And Why I push people away FIRST!
All good things must come to an end too right?

Monday, January 17, 2011

I know I am me. And Im getting rid of you!

One of the Worst things for me, is feeling Forgotten about! Left Behind with an idea in my head until I realize that its not going to happen. That seems to be the case recently. Truth be told this past month has been the worst month of my life! And I've had some pretty bad ones. So much goes down, and Changes me, Changes how I look at People how I look at things, how I feel! Makes me Doubt things I dont like to doubt. Its not fun to be a downer.

I know IM a weird one, I saw retarded things, sometimes come off as A know it all brat. Have weird habits and crazy ideas. But thats who I am. At least that much of myself I truly know. Its why my whole life I've only ever been able to call a handful of people my true friends. Its why to this day only a few people understand me. Only One person, next to Matt and my Brother John, really ever had the ability to stay my friend for soooo long. Only She knew who I was then and what I was about AND loved me for my quirky differences Back then And that was Jeanna. Sure I had my few good Friends, that was just as funny and lame as me in High school...(Kyrst-a-lo and mommy loves Toilet paper, my Natalie and Alex of the Charlie Angels Harmony GANG! that we were, but see even in that silly but super fun "gang" I was nic-named after the quirky different Dylan Character played by the quirky different Drew Barrymoore.LOL) And My love Jessica Ward and Best bud and Writing buddy and Oldest Friend Benny <3. Benny understood me back then too, theres something about artists that helps us relate on a deeper level. Then as I got older and times changes all my friends who loved me for my differences...left. We grew apart, in way different directions, seeing different views on life, and relationships and future everything. Nothing was the same. accept that I was still "different" and I was alone in my own World. Then I met my Sweeeeet Sweeeet Dawny! Who made me believe in friendships again, who gave something to hold onto and enjoy my weekends with. Our late night duets and games of truth or dare, our heart to hearts and silly stupid overly annoying I remember correctly being called a beast NOW I laugh but then....ooooooo boy! ;) (love you dawn) She will always be my bestie. She takes my difference and doesnt hold it against me.
Then theres my Jackieness, who GOD BLESS HER HEART, has been my support through my trials and tribulations with My Family, with Sophie, with my Savior. Whos been there to give me words of wisdoms and harsh truths when I need it. WHOS NEVER ONCE judged me! Who even thru her hardships has managed to still engage in mine to be my push back into reality! I could not servive without my Jackie! My whole Woods Family who I hold so dear to my heart! She and I have come along way from our Junior Hight years at Harmony where She basically had me scared of her BAHAHAHAHA too my secret Jealousness of her dating Rich!! Hes such a hottie ( as I recall telling her that the other day)

POint is Im different, Always have been and Always will be. Im finding now as im far away from my constints and the familiars of our childhood home , that Not toooooo many people are embraced by who I am. My lifestyle isnt Ideal, my Children arent ideal because they color on Walls or Dont speak to adults and are quiet. Because Im not a party person or really a person who hangs with a ton of women. Its like Im back in Highschool and not accepted by "the COOL kids" Stupid Petty stuff Ive tried to just live above. Yet, I figured Hey Bec, you are now Military you will be alone often, much like a single mom, you need to find strength in yourself and enjoyment in other wives and moms whos dealing with the same battle of Military life. So I put myself out there, Tho it may not have been a lot. Its been more then I've ever been willing to do my entire life. Here I am 8 months later REGRETTING letting myself become Vulnerable. And open to these friendships. Ive gained nothing but thats ok, Because I cant say I put much of anything out there for them to gain either.
Fort Irwin Surely lives up to its rep of being the most miserable place on earth. The army sure lives up to its rep of having shitty fake women and cheating lieing men. Slutty ass Enlisted Female Soldiers and alochol becoming our best friend.
So Call me what you want, talk behind my back. thats fine. You no longer have to leave me out, or feel OBLIGATED to invite me or my family to anything anymore. I'm taking my Fort Irwin Friends and erasing them from the only form of communicated we COULD have anymore. And Im not going to feel too bad, because feeling stood up tonight was my last straw. Then Feeling like I was then lied too about being stood up sent me over the edge. Dramatizing it...? Maybe I am? And I dont care anymore. No one else cares. They've known me what feels like a whole 2.5 seconds and never really built a relationship sooo why would it bother them, they have the ones they prefer to hang out with anyway. And All tho one of these woman have a movie I love that they borrow months ago, Im just cutting my loses and will buy a new one. And Altho my Kids loved playing with theirs and the few times we could, They will find new ones. And Altho I enjoyed having Adult conversations face to face with people, I'll find different people!
New growing pains, new friends, new life, new everything. Starting over again! My Kids, My family, My God are the only things that matters to me!

I know Who I used to be, I know who I am now, I know I can find a happy medium, if I let go of the negative, and embrace whats real. Being thankful for what I have, instead of what I dont, or dwelling on what I lost. At least I can say I put myself out there. So good Bye Fort Irwin snobs. I cant wait to get the heck out of Crumby California...and Fake,scared women, who do not know how to say what the mean, and do what they say~

Ohh and I know I have spelling errors, and bad sentence structure and misplaced words and such in this whole thing.. Im not perfect so get over it and dont judge. Plus its late and ive been drinking Hence Alcohol becoming a best friend here!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

akjhfksjhfoei....Just Words!

Simple, Beautiful, Inspired
Tangled, Unsure, pitiful and Tired.
Hope, Endeared, Soft
Tragic, Seamless, Unseen and Lost.

Unknown, forgotten, Sad, Painful!
Trembling, NO focus, Short on Time but Special.

She sat under the Iron Stair case, shivering and tired.
Her mind wondered as she closed her eyes to dream.
Her Past, Though short could make the strongest stomach, squeem.
She ran hard and she ran fast toward life that was inspired.
Still lost in a world of the unfamiliar,she would dance.
Dance, gracefully in the pale moon light.
Peace would come to her and her worries take flight.
This renewed Girl, with Power and faith had taken her 2nd chance.
Oh, that pale moon light! The Stories It has seen.
Of that of this young girl whos will to Change grows each day.
For this she knows, nothing comes easy, as they say.
oh, that pale moon light! Let your star dust beam!

To know what is in ones heart, to know it well and hold it close.

To know the heart of whom you love...That track seems never ending.

Just Because

Is it Chance? is it fate? is it part of a master plan? That we are "given" to certain people in this World. that we are Children of certains, Friends with Certains, Lovers of Certains? And For What reason should life, at times be so trying? For What reason do we need to see hopes and dreams and lives shattered? For us to Grow? To Learn a lesson? Why must people suffer...any kind of suffering!? Why must a word exist?
I have tons of questions for my Savor!!!!

In our Suffering, is that humanity!? is that what brings us a brighter light? Turns our simple-mindedness into extreme ability to COPE?
I dont know!
Im not smart, Im a jumble minded Writer, who puts random thoughts together...its my outlet when I cant think Clear.

To every question theres not an answer but for every answer there is a question right?? I wish we could start with the answer and work our way backwards to the question. AHHHHH to Life. AHHH to complexity at its finest and simpleness at its purest.

Well I Dont always make sense, I leave people scratching their own heads, asking themselves, WHAT IS BECCI ON? And thats ok, thats me...thats my art! Writing is my passion, tho I have spent Years upon years pushing it away! Every now and Then it finds me again and I see a piece of it at my finger tips...unsure of where to go with it! So I just mumble in my Blog. Knowing that very few souls like me, will understand it and love it! Just because...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Even on my Weakest Days

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

Life has a weird way of throwing in these insane Curve balls. I try to catch them, I try to juggle them, But either the balls, or my face hits the floor! This past year has been an extreme Eye opener. I've seen things go round n round, Ive had shit it the fan, I've fallen down, n picked MYSELF back up. I've hurt, I've cried, I laughed, I screamed, I gave in, I GAVE UP! But I've never walked away! Its never been in my nature to Do so! But here I am now at a cross roads. I face lies, I face tactful planning, I face smarts...I hear something, But I feel something else! It might not make sense to people reading this but...if only Walls could talk! HAHAHA then I might not be so clueless.....BUT FUCK THAT!! Im done being Clueless. If not for myself, I need to stand up for my kids. Show them strength, show them that theres a certain and right way to be treated. That theres a certain, right way to treat people, especially people we love!
This year! Is sure going to change my life forever. its seems no matter what road I take.....lessons will be learned, n earned , n hopefully Ill make it out alive!

being Heart Broken is never fun! But either is dealing with this bullshit~ Its always something new...thats repeating the same ole Ways! if that even makes sense!

starting over?? Where? how? I cant breathe as it is. I cant imagine life, I cant function! I cant see straight! I cant I cant I Cant.
In my head I keep batting back n forth! I keeppp Hoping...But maybe Im holding on to something toooo toxic!? too............Something!

Guess its better to have loved...then never to have loved at All!