Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Sophie's Choice


Have You ever been in a group, out in public or in a moment where You notice peoples physical reaction to your children?
Whether its for a tantrum in public, mismatching outfits, or something more personal, like in our case, being deaf.
The face of disbelief, the face of disgust?
I've been conscience of societies reactions. The pure rudeness and gal of what people think they can say, or do to complete strangers. It is appalling. I have witness, Children who start to play with Sophie and then ask "whats wrong with her?" and once they are told she can't hear, and she doesn't talk, they start to distance themselves. I've been asked by adults, who then look like a deer in head lights, who get stiff and do not know what to say so, they make a face, and turn and walk away..."ok Goodbye to you too, thanks for chatting" said in my head, not out loud, though I probably should. I've witnessed while being in the home of someone we know, not want to even look at her, I've watched parents allow their kids to treat Sophie is disrespect. They show their ignorance to something that's perfectly ok, and yet because its not in their everyday, they make the "gross" face. Its like shes diseased...
Ohhh no Don't touch my daughter, or you'll be deaf too...kind of deal.
Which as Sophie gets older she starts to notice.
She notices the little girl who wont look at her, when Sophie is trying hard to get her attention.
She notices the boy who stops playing with her.
She notices the face expression that the parents have on their face, the one that's different towards Emily, and Ryan. The Smiling face that says "hi" when we see them, that quickly turns to just a slight grin Hi, And Guess what...I notice it too!
Because we are naturally able to hear We are also around more families that are hearing as well. In a hearing World. Sophie has and does well to adjust herself to be in the hearing world as best as she can. But she shouldn't always have to.
we have been lucky to have found a small tight knit community that understands our family dynamic. To have placed Sophie in ASL education where we have watched her take off at lightening speed. Its Been Sophies Choice.
To watch her Story tell, to watch her explain, to watch her understand, to watch her Absorb language. Her Language. Its been an amazing experience.
One we have noticed is sometimes hard for people to understand.
People want so badly to make everything "better". They want perfection, they want what they see as normal to be...normal.

In talking with a friend this morning, she used the word normal is such a simplistic, yet awesome way. "this is your new normal"
One of those silent "uh ha" moments happen in my DUH Bec! What a terrific way to explain that to those who just do not get it. That Having ASL in our lives is our new normal, and sharing it with as many people as possible is a testimony to the Joy that knowing ASL can bring. Advocating that its OK to be accepting to all things and sharing all kinds of things, thus making this sometimes, dark and stormy, World a bit brighter.

I've been told by close family and friends that we should NOT EXPECT those around us to learn ASL. That Sophie is one person, and its would be easier to just have her use the gifts of technology to come through into their "world".
Why shouldn't I expect that. Like a "Hey you want to hang with us, Learn a bit as ASL, so You can communicate with all of us as a whole" Right? YES!!! We can't be the friend, the mom, the wife, the daughter (in-law), Son (in-law) sister, Aunt, Uncle, Brother, Husband, AND ALWAYS TRANSLATE. We of course Aren't expecting you to learn it all, or understand it all, We are still students of the language ourselves, but I don't think its asking too much, especially of close family and friends, to learn the basic's...average 100 Signs, (not including the alphabet) Its really NOT MUCH! And Its not too much to take in, it benefits, Your brain, it strengthens you bond with Sophie. All she asks for is love and attention. To fully know her, means to understand her, How else will you get the gist of her story tell, or her joke, or the tricks she likes to play on people. OH THE MIGHTY POWER OF LANGUAGE!
Any language, any knowledge is good knowledge and works the brain, and keeps the cells active.

I've had countless people, say "oh you know Theres this thing that fixes hearing, right, the cochlear implant, you should get her that" "Oh why doesn't she talk?" "whats wrong with her?" "why is she so loud, can't she be quiet?"
Its reallllllly annoying. You know theres better ways of asking questions Folks. and Truly, If You do not know anything about Cochlear implants, or whether or not we have one, or was looking into one, you should NEVER tell someone to get it to fix their child. Theres Nothing Wrong with being deaf. Not to mention, everything that comes along with the device. Its a wonderful invention, it works awesome, and helps, it allows hearing to happen, but theres so much more then comes along with it. So much work that the person has to do on a day to day basis. Its NOT A FIX. Its wonderful, we have witnessed great differences, and seen the power of Cochlear implants. We may get to see it through our Sophie one day. But please don't expect us to force it on her. Its Sophie's Choice

Matt and I both share the fear of what would happen to our children should GOD FORBID anything happen to us both. Who would be the best match to take our kiddo's. And We fear that without family ACCEPTING ASL as its necessity, and as Sophies MAIN language, that she will suffer even more. Her comfort, has never been hearing, but in seeing. If You take away her parents, and her communication, and force upon her something not vital to her very own existence...what does she have left? Its important for us to document, Sophies Choice. While we continue to ask her to use the C.I. While we are still on the path of fixing it and setting up Aural Therapies. We will always use ASL. We will always ALLOW our CHILDREN TO DECIDE what works for them. We try and come from a place of yes as often as possible. We are trying to instill independent virtues in all 3 kids. showing them that we support their choices.Giving them enough guidance to make smart ones, but ones that will work for them, and their future. Who Am I to say, what they can study, or what colleges they can Attend, Who are we, to say where they can live or how far away, or who to love. ya know? If we can provide a solid foundation, and show love and respect for them starting even this young, then we can assure ourselves that their future is grand. Their choices!
I hope that should something happen to Matt and I, those next in line to care for our children can honor that, honor our way of parenting. We are honest, and allow real life in their life, while also nurturing silly fun fantasy like, Santa Claus and the tooth fairy! I couldn't image it being any other way.

Matt and I lucked up with these Kiddo's. As crazy and loud as we all are as a group. As trying as times can be, as hair pulling as these kids ages are (especially 3s) We have this beautiful thing called Family.

American Sign language ROCKS!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Tropical haze

Courage, sometimes is the very least of my assets that show through

I am the poster child of being all bark and no bite. Truly. I'll talk a big game, but then All I do is shake like a min pin.

Some would say that it takes courage to have moved as many times as we have, especially those times with out the army aide.

Some would say that it takes courage to have a special needs child.

Its not courage, or strength really, its love. I would not change anything about where we have been or who Sophie is. Her deafness

doesn't make life harder, but enriches us. Our journies have not scared us, but molded us.

Was there a moment when we were sad by Sophie's profound deafness, sure, the very first day it was made for sure.

Were we ever scared about one of our moves...well in a sense, dude I hate FLYING!

What scares us more, and what has stired a sense of courage has been this newly adverse moment; where we are dealing with a school that has been nothing but...disappointment.

The Same school I talked up, the same school we had joy and hope and excitement for.

We have sat back a bit, and watched as week after week, Sophie has been involved in some form of "accidents"

With exception of vague FB status' and speaking with class room moms and our close and personal friends and family, We have been relatively quiet.

But things have been off about these marks and bruises since week one back in august. Even some stories are odd.

In the beginning it was extremely hard to not think that there was some kind of trouble mixed between the aides in class and the students. Sophies lack of ASL at the start of school, made understanding what was truly happening even tougher. She couldn't explain who or what was the reason.
The one good thing that has come out of the school is her expanded ASL understanding, she signs so well, so advanced now, so quick. And is able to explain what had happened at school. Not so much, why...or what led up to it, but, what did occur. Which led to the true discovery that theres a rough, very rough kid in the class. One Sophie likes, and claims to have a good friendship with, they both were batman for halloween at school and have the same exact lunch box.

We would have conversations with the teacher about theres mysterious bruises. Or "accidents". There would be different stories floating around about what took place. But it always got boiled down to them saying that because shes an over achiever, other kids and her compete. She has the incessive need to be first (we are working hard on that) and that that mentality has now created a bit of a competive and rough atmosphere for her. Which in a sense, Im then reading between the lines, that they are pretty much saying that Sophies personality is "ASKING FOR THIS". That its creating confrontation in the class room.
We know where our kid faults, the being first thing, the being bossy, the being nosey, the been stubborn...its both Matts and I's DNA! lol. Still, we also know her attitude around other students, in public, and with her friends. And it does not correlate.

The one BIG accident besides this very last one from friday, that still doesn't sit well with me, is the one where I got a call saying Sophie had been pushed into a counter resulting in a nose bleed. The office then told me it took them 20 minutes and an icepack to get it to stop bleeding. I was told, that A student couldn't see the oven they were baking in and pushed her out of the way, and her being close to the counter...well...yea. BUT Sophie, who has no true understanding on how to lie or what lieing is, or any reason to "story tell" Had said that this student, first Elbowed her, and then Sophie demonstrated to the degree of force used as he then pushed her. Then funny eough used Emily as a prop! ;) to show me again. It has led me to believe that theres no control in the class, the kids are able to bicker and duke it out as they please, resulting in these types of accidents. If they had been "fighting" over the space in front of the oven. And An elbow was thrown, wouldn't someone have noticed it first? So one would assume. But thats not what they want to be told. They don't want to be told, they are careless, and that they need to actually watch the students, not sit and doodle on their cell phones or gossip in the corner with each other.
We leave the lives of our children in the hands of these ppl, and theres no urgency to keep them all...In line...I know We are not the only parents who see this...
Fridays call...Even the nurse was like..."umm yea it looks bad, shes ok, I gave her ice, shes not crying, but its big" Said Sophie was being chased by another student, while playing tag at recess. Sophie was looking behind her and running fast, and smacked her check into the pole (on the jungle gym I assume) The bus driver, who has to ask about any innocent she sees on a student getting on the bus, was told the same thing I was...Sophie was being chased...Sophie when she stepped off the bus and I saw to the level of how bad her face was, shook my core. I couldn't stop tearing or shaking. Sophie told me her friend was running with her and then bam, hurt. Soon after her getting home, I received an email about Sophies cheek. Saying that NO, Sophie was doing the chasing, and chased the student up the pole, and trip because she wasn't looking at where she was going was looking at the student, that she then got up and blamed the student for her getting hurt, but that the aides told her it wasn't the students fault, then the email continued saying she was then blaming the wrong student....Doesn't make any sense...everything is conflicting. And because this isn't the only conflicting story of an accident, and because We aren't the only family feeling lied too, I've taken it into my own hands this time, and have called, The Department of Education, the special education Complaints department and the Honolulu school district head super. And Currently waiting to hear back about if, and what kind of action will be taking place...
We are tired of fearing sending her to school, especially being far from her. We are tired of her fearing getting on the bus and having to be picked up and buckled in while screaming and crying...

Im scared about the way she will be treated after the principal and teacher are given word on the actions taken this time. Im worried about them not doing anything about these situations, Im worried about the fact that if things don't go better the only choice we have is to remove her from school completely. Either to have her enrolled in the oral school thats closer after the new year (which Again we are scared her ASL and thus learning will suffer) or completely take her out, till next year, and I home school her. Either way, action will be taken before the end of this Calender year...which needless to say is coming to a close very quickly.

We had such joy coming to Hawaii, This tropical paraside and sun, fun and beaches. Made them find us a military home as close to the school as we could, which also lets us be close to downtown and fun beaches. Close to Uncle John, whom Sophie always talks about, asks for and completely adores. We love the fabulous happy go lucky mentality of Hawaii, we think its beautiful here, lots to do, lots to love and admire...but with this School issues and our littlest girl being hurt every week in one way or another...we seem to be stuck under this tripical haze...

These are the same bruise from the beginning of the school year

This is from her being kicked

lol don't mind her spidy undies

this is from her being pinched by another student, though the teachers and aides say they never see a student pinching, and then told me well, actually they have been concerned with how rough Sophie has been with students. WHICH PISSED ME OFF. Its something I've been saying would happen if these accidents don't stop happening, shes 100% a watcher, then a doer...and shes gonna fight back. Shes going to think its ok, and repeat and repeat, I said I don't want my child to be that kid. Its not how we are raising our kids. But of course...Now all they see is Sophie defending herself. Of course...because I haven't kept my mouth shut to the teacher about the they are pointing fingers at her again, IM SORRY BUT ALL THIS ISN"T SOPHIES FAULT ALONE! She doesn't ask for it, like they implied and she doesn't deserve it. Im feeling like targetted.

lastly this is from Friday's accident, then the crown one I took to document how the eye is changing, and then the last pictures, are from today, and you will notice that the bruise is now being seen up the side of nose and onto the top of her upper eye lid. How does one hit that hard, for this to be the resutl, shes 4...and not a track star speedster...

We are praying things change for the better, Our Poor Sophie is going to remember this as her first deaf school experience.

We now can't wait to leave the island, to get to better schools, to be where we don't fear for our kids...I'd happily shorten our stay here on the island...or fast forward to 2016...Just feel like a failing parent and Hate that.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Husband says this all the time

"You never realize how good things were, until you no longer have it"
My Husband is a smart man. An extremely hard worker. He loves his family and does what he can to make sure we are all happy and safe. So he knowing the trouble we are having in a very important matter, Hurts.
Having Moved so many times. Having seen friends and family go through different school systems because We have luckily found life long friends in every place we have lived, We can kind of get the feel to what schools work and why. Hawaii Is now our families 2nd school district for our own kids.
In the DOD school system on base in WA. While Emily's school didn't have the best ratings, her teacher was FANTABULOUS! Loved him. She was half day, and I still do not get how he managed to teach everything she knew to 20 kids in just 2 hrs a day. WITH NO AIDES! No help! Just him. You Rock Mr. T. Sophie's School on McChord had better ratings, and She had an awesome willing and amazing Teacher, Hi Mrs. Ellison, we miss you. Even Though she used S.E.E and There was an ASL interp. At the same time (which can cause confusion) and even though it was a mixed special needs class, Mrs.E and her helpers were the best. They were tuned in, on point, did everything they could to make sure Sophie Thrived. They started the love Sophie has for learning.
last year! NOT ONCE, was I called into the school, or got calls about Students pushing, kicking, or other harmful moments caused by a student, to Sophie. Was I called about injuries? OF COURSE! McChord and her Teacher did their due diligence as a School. In Emily's case. Emily being more of the shy one, soft spoken, and knowing what is class room acceptable and not, is now into her 2nd year of school, having NOT ONE incident. NOT ONE! Runs around outside, 2 times a day (two recesses, how lucky)has gym class, and "free play" in class, sits on the concrete floor, pumps into things often (shes my kid lol, plus her class is super tight.) And has never come home with bruises, cuts or what have yous.Her Class Has about 23+ Students and ONE TEACHER! again NO HELP~ Again, Emily's school doesn't have the best ratings on the Island for DOE. BUT, Her teacher, Mrs Rapoza is SO SUPER! I do not remember in the first grade learning about History,sociology, Or the human body. Emily totally knows what white blood cells are used for, what Antibodies are and how to properly take care of skin. ITS FREAKING AWESOME!!!!!! She knows so much! Its scary.
HSDB, Sophie's current school. Is definitely trying. Its had some spotted past for some students and is going through a growing period right now. New People in place trying to make the system better and working as it should. I'm too much of a worrier to have my kid in a place thats transitional and not steady on its own rules and ideas. Though, Sophie's teacher has a great Educational background. SHE KNOWS HER STUFF! and Shes a good teacher. When in class. Shes also a very busy lady. I do however think that shes not exactly equiped for this age group maybe. theres 9 students and like 3 aides along with Teacher,so how do all these accidents happen, thats 2 students per one adult... and When I went through Sophie's paperwork, the daily reports that get sent home, there are 9 bad incidents that involve another Student harming Sophie. Now on purpose? Or not? Not sure. Stories don't always add up. And THANKFULLY, in great appreciation, to her current teacher, Sophie is now able to tell me what happened to her and who did it. Not so much the WHY, part yet. But we will get there. Now I said 9 incidents involving Sophie getting hurt by another student...that does not include the few "accidents" that happened the first month of school before the started to send home the accident report. And that does not include the reports about her falling by her own account. (again My kid, We are a clumsy family apparently lol) Mind you, School hasn't even been in session 3 months yet. Doesn't that sound a bit much!??
I get that This is a deaf school, I get that the deaf kids can be more handsy and rough, and pivot their anger in a not so nice manner. BUT COME ON NOW! I can't tell if its poor student inter action or if its aides Not watching. Or The lack of Correction. Feeling like for a short time the daily lessons should not be about "hungry Caterpillars" or "the 3 little pigs" but should be about How to treat friends, and class mates, respect to adults, and listening to parents. They are 4 and 5, and old enough to get those lessons. I do my best at home, with the 3 kids. From the emails from Sophie's teacher, to my understanding, Sophie isn't being aggressive to them. Shes merely "annoying". Shes in their face and curious about What they are doing and why. She Sees a friend reading a book, and goes to see what book, and maybe read too...and that student doesn't want her there, but Phi wont that student then acts aggressively. OR The last one was Because Sophie was in the way, of another student viewing the pie baking in the oven, and shoved her. Shoved aside is one thing. But damn this student must of had some real gumption Behind the push because it caused Sophie to slam her face into the counter and bleed for what the office told me was 20 minutes, WITH an ice pack on her nose.
Now let me step back and explain. Sophie is a brut herself (at home) She and Ryan can't sit still, want to always play fight, and wrestle. And When Mad...they both go at it, LIKE SIBLINGS! With exception to the scratching (yes they scratch each other, tho I try and keep their nails short...Don't worry they get punished for scratching)There is never a mark inflicted on eachother by each other. In fact, An example to use, is over the weekend, they were NOT LISTENING TO ME, and were bouncing toward each other on the sofa, where one then would bend and the other would flip over their back. Laughing having fun, but again NOT LISTENING TO ME, about stopping before someone gets hurt. And Someone did, Phi! Ryan's hard head (like his daddy's)Cracked into her where her cheek bone meets the chin. I heard a CRACK, like when you hear the football helmets slam into each other on a tackle. Ryan bent down to get in position but at last minute decided tojust body check her instead. (OHHHHH BOYS!!!!!!!!) I freaked out by the sound, break them apart and Shes crying and "yelling" at Ryan. Her face, looks a little swollen, but no cut, no bruise (yet) nothing more then a little raised. Not even pink oddly. So I watch it the rest of the evening, and into Sunday...What do I see? NOTHING! no mark. Again I say it was a hard hit and the cracking sound when I think about it, still makes me cringe. So You readers tell me...How can she keep coming home with all these cuts and bruises from school, that Im being told comes from a student? But it not happen when I see it with my own eyes at home? How does that even work?
Is it by the hand of students? Is it by someone else?
I don't think Sophie is at the age where she can even get the magnitude of the situation.
Lately, shes not been wanting to go to school. Lately shes coming home in crap moods.

Im wanting to switch her school and Hawaii Department of Education (DOE) has proven to be battle! The professionals I need to speak with Wont even call me back. The School I want to visit, wont let me meet and speak with teacher and visit his class to see his interaction with the deaf students. I just want to see it, see his ASL with the students and how he runs his class.
I tell Ya, We were so excited to come here to Hawaii.
Excited to have a special school for Phi
Excited to be involved in Deaf community of Hawaii
Excited to be on this island and have another adventure.

And While we have loved seeing what we have, Love the esthetics of the Island, the people of Hawaii, the views, the beach...Its not the paradise We had hoped it to be.

Its making me feel regretful to have come here.
Its also left a bad taste in my mouth about deaf schools. Something Grams did warn me about.

Its put a real damper on my Love for Island life...Which leaves me to say the most disgusting thing Ever...WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN WASHINGTON!

But Like the Husband says
"You don't know how good you had it, until you don't have it anymore" He usually says the same thing, in multiple different ways ;) Love you hunnnnny!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Its beginning to...

Its beginning to...NOT look a lot like christmas, even though the TV Commercials try and tell me differently.
Which of Course, Already makes me want to bust out the mini tree and play Christmas carols on Pandora.
We all have our Favorites...come on...You know you do. I know I do. And I will belt them out without a care in the world. Especially in the shower ;)

If I Cannot have Winter here on Oahu, even though this warm fall weather is nice, I guess I'll have to bling out this Ole Blog here to get my fill of a winter wonder land this year ;)

As The end of October is soon to approach, Ill be gathering Everything about my Favorites here to share.

October had always been my Most loved Month, when the weather begins to change, Sweats and sweaters, leggings and boots. No mittens or wool hats needed just yet. The Colors along the roads from the falling leaves. The smell of fall. The air starting to get that hint of a wood burning stove from neighboring homes. Shorter days. And Comfort warm stews.

I have to remind myself that here in Hawaii, this is just another adventure to check mark. I love Hawaii, so don't let me miss lead you. I love the esthetics, the people. The Culture. The wonder and awe of the breath taking views. The tiny smell of sea (not as strong as back east) The Breeze. I love Hawaii. And Woooowho Im tan again. yet haven't sat out in the sun in a while (so it feels)

But All this sun shine...I like to actually miss the sun. and then Love and basque in it when it shows its colorful face. Ya know?

I miss rain, and Lord knows, Ive missed THUNDER STORMS FOR 3 years now ;) We get teased once and awhile, But Lord I need a GOOD LONG battle rattle thunder storm.

Im not complaining, you see, Im just missing.

So to Fill my seasonal needs till its summer time again, and all the joys of festive holidays have since past, I shall OVER LOAD my blog with everything I can not have.

With that in Mind. On this very Sunny October

Season Greetings...


Monday, September 9, 2013

Mother May I? Break down this wall...

From The Shores of Oahu I have watched my children, run and splash. Breathe in the wonders of the sea. Soak in the Vitamin D, and Love every bit of the Gypsy (Military) Life. It has not phased them yet that we are movers. The Wind changes and we seem to be lifted off to new parts of our Country to explore. Change, so far, comes at them easily.
But This Traveler, I fear, worries about whats to come as they get older...


Everyone who knows me, and knows our family, Knows we are worriers. From the moment they step off to school, off the edge of the pool, or onto the top stair...I worry.

But I do not pretend to be a great parent. I don't create False identities or fictional persona's of what our family life is like. I am not fake. Guarded Maybe, maybe too much at times, but not Fake. I speak on all aspects of life. The good the bad and the ugly. All of that and more. I try to paint the most realistic picture I can.

Everyone who knows me, and knows our Family, Knows we do not sensor. Much to many friends and family surprise...It works for us. We will always take into consideration the knowledge and if and how the impact will be. But we do not sensor. Our Children, know the appropriate use of such knowledge and Are pretty good and not exploring it. Ryan in his rebellious and pushing button 3's like to walk the fine line, but also knows the consequence. Granted, I am a push over as well. They each get away with treating me a certain way, and As they are growing, im learning how to better direct their negative reactions. Which is a part of Parenthood no. Parents will continue to grow and change and learn, and adapt, methods to their kids, individually and as a whole. A continuous juggle, but as I've stated before, our children should be our first priority. Sure...Love God, Love ourselves, Love your husband, love your kids. Our Children will be molded By God's Hands, understand Direction, experience love, be successful because We have taught them about respect and order. Allowing them to be themselves and witness acts that will help them grow into awesome adults. Already, I can see how our kids have blessed us, changed us, molded us even. I've seen the good things we've done with them. Again Ill speak on Ryan, even in these 3's that I dread, and Am So thankful hes my last 3 yr old for now...Has such a soft spot. He kisses any boo boo's he sees on me, old or new. Always says "thank You", sometimes "thank You much" even if its to wipe an eye lash off his cheek. He always needs my hand when out. Sophie will cuddle All day long. Rub my hand or cheek if Im laying down. Wants everyone around her to always sign thank you, when appropriate, and will wait there till its signed :P is mothering in her class, cares for little kids and babies SO much. Emily is reserved and kind, quite and example of nice behavior for her siblings when we are out of the house. Sure In public they have each had their Moments of "OH MY GOSH ITS TIME WE GO HOME" but Proudly I would say they are well behaved beyond our front door 94% of the time. Home...In their comfort and glory, yeah its not as rosey, no hand raising here, no mild manners. But I would take the "mother may I's" the "yes ma'ams, No sirs" "please and Thank You's" out in public over home, any day of the week. And we are thankful for that. We Do have great kids.

One thing I've noticed about Hawaii, is that people are just so inviting. Warm. Understanding and eager. I took the kids to get sandwiches the other day before our HSDB principal meeting, The woman behind the counter saw Sophie signing something over and over. I was distracted By Ryan and Emily talking over each other, when the woman smiled and said "Ma'am,Shes saying soemthing I don't quite get" Soph, was saying "green" something on the menu had caught her eye. I in my now regular guarded tone say "Its ok, Don't worry about it" like a snot lol. And the Kind woman continued to smile and said "oh but Im curious, I really would like to know, and know more" And in that second I felt a piece of my wall break off. "green" I said. "shes signing green" The woman looked all around to find something That Sophie was referring to, and was happy to help. 3 Times In the same hour, We were talked too about Sophie, IN A POSITIVE MANNER! Who would have thought. Washington was so cold in peoples demeanor that after those 2 years I started to become jaded. But You see, As HSDB Has worked its signing magic on Sophie, and as her Vocabulary expands greatly, we are holding more lengthy Conversations, and that in public. Its amazing How much signing Catches the Eyes of strangers. People should be naturally curious right? Not Mean...In any case, another Employee had stopped by our table to ask if We are signing because Shes deaf, or just because. Which of course made me giggle. I too was a young mom with Emily, teaching my baby to sign because it was the Hip thing to do. When I smiled and said of shes deaf...(my smile was a bitch smile, again I mastered in Tacoma)The young woman smiled back and said awesome, so is my little sister and its been really hard. There it goes again, a little piece of the wall breaking off. A bit later, there was an older couple sitting across the aisle from us. With them an man maybe just a bit older then I who rocked the extra Chromosome So wonderfully. (everyone who knows me...knows I have a soft spot for down syndrome <3)They stood Up after their meals and walked right behind Sophie. The Father Gently patted Sophies head, and made a weird playful sound at Ryan who basically stood up and roared at the guy LOL LOL. His Wife stood next to him, as I signed to Phi, "say Hi, and smile" because she looked very...confused as to why a stranger was behind her. Phi did just as I asked. The older woman replied "Shes deaf right? shes beautiful, they all are" Her husband giggled "you sure have your hands full" The nice way of saying "good luck" We got a nice "have a good night and God Bless" And a nice wave from their son.

All this in not only one day, but one hour, of me and just the kiddos. My My how the tides have changed, literally. I looked back at the kids, just us again at the table...And I knew that Matt and I, are doing a good job.

Are we perfect parents? Absolutely not! Our Kids will not be perfect.THey Will make mistakes like us, bad judgement calls, be tried and tried again and again. Will lose and win and fall and get hurt. Cry. Hurt someone. But they will also do great things.

Im a very guarded person these days. The Military life has created in me a much different idea of how life works. Having had kids and marriage extremely young in life, its a good thing the military has shown me. nearly 4 years an Army wife, which seems weird to me. Moving everywhere we have, living on bases and off. Taking away lessons from each and every City, town, or village we'd seen, has molded us. And Now, here in Hawaii, Where the sky is Always blue, and the air so clear, where people smile, and show support I may break down this wall...

Monday, August 12, 2013

Birthday Wishes and Wedding Bells.

One thing For sure about the Month of August, is that it totally rocks!

Im partial, since Not only is it my BIRTHDAY month, but its My Lovey Hubby's

and My best Friends Birthday Month as well!


Its the Month We always spent Heading to the beaches, its the month we claim the most of Summer in. It was the Last chance to complete the Summer bucket list, before heading back to school each year.

And when I think about it...Matt and I are so privileged to have been able to spend Our birthdays together and in So many different places. This year In Honolulu <3 whhhhat We've celebrated after Leaving New York at 19 in wonderful places like : Phoenix Arizona Sumner Iowa New York (again) Clearwater/ Tampa Florida Fort Irwin/ Los Angeles California Tacoma Washington And Now Honolulu Hawaii Seems so weird No? I absolutely Love birthdays...the Continuation into a New year. 30 is quickly approaching and Im Psyched My 20's have been so extremely full...over whelming...exciting...but so full. Between all our travels, marriage and 3 kids I welcome the 30's. As All our Children are now completely out of the baby stage. 2 now being in Full time School and Ryan...Being too smart for his own good. Im welcoming the end of my 20's. Sure Im only turning 28 this year, but it gives me 2 more years to jam pack and make way for some breezier 30's.

Happy Birthday Month Dawny!!!
I miss my Dawny. Our birthday Months together were always so fabulous. Especially the one we got to spend together in Florida. I miss the crazy games and conversations we would have in front of the boys just to make them sit there, scratching their heads, wondering..."what is wrong with them" Miss her Kids all 4,000 of them ;) since her house is the Hub for all things Arnold <3 Family. Family. Family. Here I go again, speaking on something thats SO screwed up. I am definitely NOT the person anyone should seek for counsel on Family feuding. But, if they are looking for someone to tell them exactly what to say and do, to put a giant sized Wedge between them..Im the girl~ I have Full accepted, admitted, and taken responsibility for the Shit I did and said. All of which, I believe as my own truth, my version, my side, and reason for the fact Im not thought of as a part of their family anymore. I feel like now 3 years into feuding, and trying to reach out in different ways to mend it, that Theres no possible reconnection. Yet, Family is supposed to be able to for give, for get and move on. Forget Yesterday. So hard to do. So hard to do. I dwell I list I go tit for tat I compare he did, she said, I did, So I said. Human nature I guess. But...When it comes to family, shouldn't there be different rules at play? Its not like, We met when we were 10 got super close, then had a falling out and never want to see each other again...Its family. Life, here in the Decker house, has been painfully hard at times. Wouldn't a Father want to know? Shouldn't they care? And Give advice, or be a listening ear? Shouldn't a Grandparent, want to keep in touch with their grandkids, Not just hang pictures of them on their wall, like it makes up for anything? Especially during a crazy transition like they have gone through with moving, or In Sophies case with Surgery, and processing, and Transferring to an All deaf School? Shouldn't A daughter, want and need and hope to learn about wedding bells from her own dad. Sure, Brothers are the next best thing to get news from...But One would hope, that such, great news, such life changing events, should be shared among everyone. Thats All I wanted, as I told my brothers. I said. Thank You for telling me, I think thats fantastic. Now I want to see if Dad lets me know himself....weeks went by...Moved...weeks went by some more...Now only a few days from their date and My emails to him have not been responded to. :( I just wanted to show my joy. And Simply ask, if he considered reaching out and tell me. Have not been given the chance, Maybe one day I've since Changed my cell number since moving to Honolulu, but my email address has always been the same, for the last 6 years. And As I dwell, and compare, and go tit for tat, after getting no response...I then laugh at myself. How Silly. True, We invited him to Our "wedding" the only one we could afford after being told we have to now pay it all ourselves since Emily came first. And True, he decided to not Show up! And True It was done the day before his birthday. And True now they are marrying a week before mine...And True he can not stand the man I married. But UNTRUE, that I do not like Jessica. And UNTRUE, that Im not happy for them marrying. Oddly...things are not so different. In the lives we lead. Though We now know nothing about whats going the day to day routines. we are not so different. Where can one go from here? Does it matter? is It possible? Is it mutual? A Wise Man in my Family, Once pulled me aside, to say, That the Sins of the Father are visited Upon the Children. And To walk carefully. The Conversation had always stuck close to me, I still remember where we were, the weather outside, and that it felt like the First honest and open (in non joking manners)conversation we had ever had before... It got me thinking about, Foot steps. And how we eventually, most of us anyway, wind up walking the same path as our parents. And its Our choices, that make the difference. Its our life, and our sins, we are to be accounted for. And if we are not careful. We can all wind up, with 1000's of miles between, passing away without having ever said, to the other...You know what, Im sorry and was foolish but I never stopped to let go of my anger to show show you I still do love you. Like Fathers, and mothers, before us. I take Full responsibility for my part. I know where I fall short...and because of my faults, and my sins, and my foolishness, and my pains and suffering I do not want our kids to thus have to be burdened and because of this separation it puts wedges between others too...I miss my Little Brothers, And Missed so much of their exciting life changing events as well

Exodus 34:6-7) - "Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in loving kindness and truth; 7 who keeps loving kindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations."

Slow to Anger! Something My brother Kept saying this past weekend. Slow to Anger.
A task we have trouble with, something we need to work on. I need to work on.

So with Birthday wishes, for myself and my near and dears...
I also wish Joy and fulfillment, honesty and truth to each other and to themselves, in a Gracious and wholesomely long Marriage.
God Bless and best wishes on your happy day.

And Just because, Im so in love with the theme song from my new Fav ABC family Show...I have to include this song. It brings tears to me every time. Its beautiful. And Meaningful and ALMOST perfect for todays blog :)

I am thankful for my Family I do have. For my hard working Husband, and for my crazy loving Bunches of oats~

Family, Friends, and where blood doesn't make family, acceptance and love Makes Family, are welcomed

Friday, July 5, 2013

Make sure...

The altered state of mind leaves us yearning for more

Left in our sub-conscience sense that we can obtain all these things we so wildly dream of.

And its apparent that while in truth we should always dream and strive and hope and love and adore

That we must continue to keep ourselves in reality. Reality is best worn with a sweetly Sane and perfect pair of sneakers...For those moments we try to run, run from our truths, run from ourselves and our responsibilities.


Always remain tethered to the very thing that keeps us grounded.
Ties are better left knotted, Not severed.


Days are best dressed with a smile
Nights with a lovely hued glass of wine.


Make sure...

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Signing Play With Emily and Sophie Ge-Ge

Theres Always those people...

There will always be that person that rubs you the wrong way

There will always be those people who don't understand you

There will always be that person that tries to "correct" your methods

There will always be those people who talk behind your back

There will always be that person who will always come to your defense

There Will always be those people whom you never will forget

People, Persons, friend, Enemy, family and just someone you know...

People who really know you, People you trust, people that love you, People that show respect

People who are fake, people who do not like you, people who want to see you harmed. People...


People who inspire, people who cheer you on, people who take part in your success

People who drag you down

People who Challenge you

People who rob your sanity

People who advise you

People who ruin you

People who make you better


These people are not you. They are not living your life, they are not behind your closed doors.
They are not in your shoes, or in your mind or in your heart per say.

Ultimately it is Ourselves that decide to allow such People to do these things to us, good or bad.

We have to power to allow these persons in our lives. To allow them to treat us as so. To allow them into your heart and thoughts and future.

We have the right to walk away from harsh people, and surround ourselves with genuine People.

We are the company we keep.

Which is the funny part of it all. When you surround yourself with light, You are light, you feel light, you give off light.

Some people have a hard time once fallen into the deep nature of darkness that its hard to walk away.
But Hopefully one day they can.

This is not some crazy insight, friends.
This is not my hippy self saying "go into the light"
Peace, love and incense will make it ok.
Burn the sage and feel the love.

This is simply about remember who you are, and loving yourself enough to be free of those People.
Theres always those people...but knowing yourself, and appreciating your worth, makes all the difference in the World :)

Monday, June 3, 2013

Same Love

Macklemore "same Love"

Has the best message in this song. A Native Seattle-ton. Making Great points. The first few times I heard this on the Radio I kept tearing up.

The Lyrics

When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay,
'Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight.
I told my mom, tears rushing down my face
She's like "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-k, trippin' "
Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she?
Bunch of stereotypes all in my head.
I remember doing the math like, "Yeah, I'm good at little league"
A preconceived idea of what it all meant
For those that liked the same sex
Had the characteristics
The right wing conservatives think it's a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don't know
And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don't know

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

If I was gay, I would think hip-hop hates me
Have you read the YouTube comments lately?
"Man, that's gay" gets dropped on the daily
We become so numb to what we're saying
A culture founded from oppression
Yet we don't have acceptance for 'em
Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board
A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It's human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself
When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that's not important
No freedom till we're equal, damn right I support it

(I don't know)

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

We press play, don't press pause
Progress, march on
With the veil over our eyes
We turn our back on the cause
Till the day that my uncles can be united by law
When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are
And a certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all
But it's a damn good place to start
No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever God you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it's all the same love
About time that we raised up

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
Love is kind 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Learning Curve


Whirlwind of a few years, since Matt Joined into the Military. A proud and faithful Soldier he is, who longs for MORE involvement into the Ranks. Who longs for Deployment, who longs to lead.

Having Moved around this beautiful Country, We have had the priviledge and gift of travel. That has yet to stop. As we approach the final weeks here in Washington state, I'm Starting to see the Curve.
What we have learned, gained, lost, re-found.

These 2 years here in Washington have been the most trying of times. Seriously. And that's saying a lot. Seeing how we were merely 20 when we took that giant leap of faith moving away from our friends and family and comfort of Our Home town. Seeing how we struggled often, having been on food stamps at one point, no cars at other points. Even trying to survive on Iowa minimum wage of 7.50 once. Living with parents (again and again).Living on unemployment checks. To the obsolete desert of California where low and behold, discovering our daughter to be deaf, and having an infant. All the while trying to fit into the very different life style the army offers. One would think that all that chaos would have trumped the last 2 years here...
But it doesn't.

sadly. Among the beauty and actual dependence of the weather. Has been the toughest years EVER.
Tough in the Company my husband is a part of. Tough on our children. Tough on our marriage. Tough moments in our friendship in our marriage. And toughest financially. All to which make seem, learning A 2nd language simple. Adjusting to our kids getting big, way too fast, simple. The lack of solid friendships here and feeling lost and lonely, do not help Im sure. Or maybe its the actual lack of sun soaked Vitamin D bodies. who knows.

We have wondered more here in WA about our future...or lack there of. Then in any crazy chapter we've finished.

So while this Up coming move has been way daunting and annoying and hard, and tiresome. And what seems like never coming, with endless road blocks...We are embracing this change. With the highest of hopes that it brings us better yearly fortune. That we can get back into a happy go lucky, go with the follow identity. That we wont just be survivors of this new adventure but thrive within it. Make strides that count toward repairs individually and within our family.
Its true that if you can with stand the woes and lows and make it out still together and growing...then theres hope for a brighter tomorrow, No?
So with all the ups and downs, through out every aspect we've encountered since the day we settled in Over this state line. I pray it did make us stronger.

We only want the best for our family. Together, and strong. happy and excited about new things. Happy healthy children.


Washington is a different kind of breed. Man oh Man.
I've said it before, that People who have never been here yet think that cold hard assed New Yorkers are the epitamony of  ill tempered humans have never walked The streets of Seattle. No state...can trump the cold native Northwestern embrace of Washingtonians.

We were excited to come here. Had high hopes of the rainy state (something we do not mind actually) But There was no warning for the ill mannerism. NONE~ And After 2 years of being here I've actually felt the lose of my NY edge. These People scare me. Who would have thought?

We have not seen all that we wanted to see of WA. Still, We take away some good memories. Fun outdoor adventures we did gather under our belts. For me I take away the Beauty and awe of the Puget Sound. My favorite Spots are along the rocky beaches that surround the water. Where you enjoy seeing nature at its finest. Watch the Ferry's create tiny waves, and see the peak of Mount Rainier off in the distance.
The pure fact of it all, is Washington is where our Kids grew from Little kids.
Where Matt and I, figured each other out better...despite our 9 years of being together. <3 :="" p="">

Fingers are crossed, prayers are said daily. That the magic of the Island wields growth and promise.
We have learned much, and of course that wont stop.
But since we have now Passed the Curve and open waters are ahead, we are looking forward to a good few years of smooth(er) Sailing

Hello, More World.
Goodbye Seattle

Monday, May 20, 2013

Educating me


There is something about the innocence, the sincerity, thirst for their own knowledge that makes us dig deep into who we are as people. Children are always looking to learn, asking questions, in a state of wonder and awe. So as their parents its our job to be as well equipped for these moments as possible. We have to try and get down to their level, and think about what kind of questions they may ask so we can be prepared to answer.

Our 3 rowdy honey bunches of oats, are knowledge Monsters.
Ryans Favorite new line is "whats that?"
Sophie has her epic PHI face, that says everything it needs to.
Emily has her grasp of everything she was taught this year in school applying it to day to day life.
We are in a constant moment of flux
Everything is possible, every possibility is questioned and every question has a possible answer.
We are bounced around from idea to idea, question to answer, moments the suck up knowledge.
AND these kids, stick it in their brain and hold on to it for forever.

How can we not as parents do anything and everything in our power to provide answers, and bring them to places where they ask more questions? Where they learn and grow and have these terrific moments of life that stick with them, and help shape them for the future.

As I watch these kids understand these moments.
Take in these moments.
Grow from these moments.
It reminds me that I need to be the best me as possible. I need to be that roll model that helps them see things clearly. Fully knowing I will make mistakes along the way, but praying that will also teach them.

Lets face it, its really not easy being a mom to 3 young kids. Lord, Help those with more, Truly. I think At the end of our day with 3 Im wiped out. Had we had more at this moment...I'd puddles. Adding into the mix A special needs Child, with the temper of her father and the attitude of her mother, That makes things a tad more complicated. With Sophie being deaf, and cute...she plays her strengths well and easily ignores us when she wants to. Mostly when we are telling her NO~ Or Wait~ Or STOP!

The kids and I sat around the lap top this afternoon as I pulled up different pictures in Testing Sophie and her language skills. Each week her teacher sends out a flyer about what they are learning in this week of school, and I "TRY" and keep up so that we are not behind on signs. The problem is knowing the methods used in school. For instance...Sophie wanted to know the sign for A Scuba diver last week in class. But her teacher didn't know it. As Sophie was more persistent on knowing the Sign Her teacher went and looked it up on the computer. The Sign She showed me Was NOT the same sign I found online on So Sometimes it is not easy to keep up. Im super thankful for Sophies class and her teacher this year, but I am so looking forward to a more sign stable environment. In any case, We went thru a list.
sea turtle

All things shes been learning about. Last month they did bugs. This month has been concentrated on Sea life. And every word we went through Sophia knew by heart. Now Emily and Ryan know them well too. "lion" and "octopus" were among the favorite signs. Making faces to match each animal.
Grass was A new one for me. Im glad I know it now :)

Education. Is not just something we are supposed to leave at the foot of the School building. It is to be shared at home, nurtured at home. USED at home. Education doesn't just have to be Find the sum of X. ya know~ Its more then that.
Sophia's Language skills has come so far. For a Kid who literally quit using for CI in September, shes A super star. Even babbling these days. Full on BABBLING. Not just yelling anymore, or single toned. But adding in a few letter sounds here and there. Lots of m's and G's and D's More A's not just O's. And Using it in reference to things. Sounding back to use and signing.

Emily has been officially granted completion of Kindergarten. Technically her last day of class isn't till Thursday, but I guess her Teacher got her report card completed over the weekend and opted to send it home early. He reports thats she will be an outstanding 1st grader. She is doing so well with her reading, her exploring words and sounding things out. I make her spell each morning before getting on the bus, and she is so awesome. Her report card was 97% outstanding in the grading system.

My Ryan boy, is ready for school. Talks about "ryan schoo" all the time. Wears Sophies back pack and makes pretend that he and Emily are getting on the bus to go to school. I really hope to get him into SOMETHING this coming school year. He knows all his letters visually. But knows his colors in sign language more then verbally :o lol lol lol

We are always learning here in this crazy Decker house. Its awesome. We are learning this in 2 languages and growing and growing and growing. Its a blessing. As new adventures are with in hands reach, Im excited to experience more. Show our kids more. Teach our kids more. Fill them up with moments not too many people get to do. Feed their travelers blood.

All the while, The world is our School. We are teaching them. They are educating me.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Means to the End. Shall we Move on?

Often in my short life, I've been faced with the decision to either MOVE on, and continue down the path. I've felt the sting of letting go, I've felt the repercussions of heading the same way. I've also experienced the relief and joy from both.

While I think about whos precious in my life, the list is short. And Thats Great because that means I've grown emotionally. I feel like, you can not trust everyone, but a few at a time, and those are the people you need to cherish most.

While I Think about Whos Birthday it is today I remember the journey. The extreme of the bumps, the extreme of the highs, the love, the drama, the patching of deep wounds. The last time we broke up, I remember Everyday wondering what I was missing in her life...BIG THINGS AT THE TIME. I was wondering if We'd never exchanged such harsh words if  We'd be experiencing these things together. I remember saying all the time to mutual friends, that I'm sad We can not fix it, that I wish she would just respond to my attempts.
When things Finally were starting to come back together, and the glue was "drying"
I remember being so grateful. So excited, but walking slowly and quietly and being cautious not to just stick my nose right into everything I had missed.
The near YEAR of our biggest break up ever, I felt as though A piece of me was missing the entire time. I desired to have her back and things mended. I thought about it often. Reached out often. Not always in the right way granted.
It was so hard. So heart breaking where our friendship of SO long had wound up.
At the same time, as We know God allows things to happen for specific Reasons, I feel like that rough year was a palate cleanse. She And I, from my point of view, had been on this jagged edge for quit some time. Both stubborn, both ignoring the signs till we had to face them straight on.
Here we are almost 3 years past the break up, and well, we are not in the same place. Not the same place we were as kids, not the same place we were as teens, nor young adults, nor before the breakup. We are NEW. We are better. And while distance is a huge gap. In a sense...thats what broke down walls.
God Sends us on Journeys for a reason, He puts people in our lives for a time, or for life. And he has a plan. With this relationship, I never felt like She was supposed to be gone forever. I never was at peace with it. On my end. I knew I wasn't supposed to move on from this.
And Im glad to be where I am with her today.

But God does Challenge us, and our lives, and our hearts. For even though he knows our truest of true wants and desires. He challenges us so that we can learn from life and see the CLEAR reason for his actions for us. Not always easy. Not always something happy. But reality.

When God tells you to move on, it's because He has something so much better for you than where you are right now!
Is something I read this morning. And After my Conversation last night with my Brother, I felt like it was set before at the most perfect of times.
I will not pretend that my distance from certain family members is easy. I will admit I do At times wonder about how life is going for them. I will always love them. I will say that im not surprised on our outcome. I made one last feeble attempt in December, a sliver of an out reach, and it didn't go so well. And thats ok. Now with it being May, And knowing things I do know...I feel as though I'm ok. Im strong enough to understand what it is I am supposed to do from my side. And that is to MOVE ON. I have no struggles with it, surprisingly. I have no doubts about doing so. No panics about what it means, or where it leaves My family and I. Too much was said from my side, too much said from their side. Too many emotions then floating around, clouding judgements. And We both made choices. And  our means to an END was our Own versions of our truths. It got us to where we are...which is...far apart.
Our oldest does wonder why we do not speak to everyone. I have been asked "why does he not talk to me" And then get lack of memory from them. Who knows if in years to come something brings our lives closer again. And He can spend the time he wants to repair the relationships he could have now. But thats a future I can not see myself, thats in the hands of God only.
Moving on is never easy. Sure I'll catch myself in thought and wonderment. I'll be reminded by little things. Ill be curious. But I know...Some people are meant to be with you forever, some for a short time, Some to raise you up and teach you, some to hold your hand through tough times, some to challenge you, some to knock you to your feet. Some to pick you back up. Some through thick and thin, and some to tell you Goodbye 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Athems, Are always needed

Slow down, you crazy child.
You're so ambitious for a juvenile.
But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out.
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine.
You can't be everything you wanna be before your time,
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.
Too bad, but it's the life you lead.
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.
Though you can see when you're wrong,
You know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right.

You've got your passion. You've got your pride,
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child.
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.
It's all right you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
Why don't you realize Vienna waits for you?
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Monday, April 29, 2013

Whatcha wanna know about my parenthood?

I used to sit on the floor of my Childhood bedroom, surrounded by my Favorite Fashion Magazines. Read them cover to cover then cut out all the parts I loved most. Next to me would be mounds of Journals I stuck them to, Pencils and blank paper for my desire to draw out dresses I'd love to one day make myself.

I used to take 30 minutes alone to just apply make up another 30 for my hair.
Would pick out my outfit the night before School, have it sprayed with my favorite Perfume and hung nicely on my door.

I used to be able to walk around in heels ALL day long. Run and jump in Heels.

Pj's were only worn in the evenings and to bed, NOT all day, although I did rock the house slippers out and about  now and again. YES GUILTY AS CHARGED~

I used to be able to stay up into the wee hours of the morning and sleep into 11am and Not have a care in the world about doing JUST that, Sleep, I seriously took for granted.

Now a days...
Showers are golden
Sweaters are prized
I have mastered how to paint my face and straighten my wavy hair in 20 minutes COMBINED!
Sadly Pj's and sweats are my go to ensemble
My Favorite Magazines Are in the bathroom, because its the only place I find peace during the day...ok not all day, they tend to bang on door, yell mom, and stick their chubby little fingers under the door.
Sleep...happens in bouts. Not full...still
I write in spare time, and its usually stuff people really could care less about reading. Because lets face it, While social media as completely taken over our lives here in this decade. People really do not care if your Son sounds super cute when bossing you around at the age of 2. Or your daughter Scored yet another Cool kid ticket, Or if you cat has learned how to open closed doors. They just want the juicy goodness and nothing more about the boring lives we lead. Yet...We continue to post and search and comment and like or in my case, Remove from my news feed...I am one of these fools on Facebook, twitter, yahoo...BLOGGER :p that visit too much, and lose time in the sites like Pinterest and youtube. Oh the Life I lead.

People want to hear, only when troubles are brewing, gossip can be shared, something terrible has happened, or only care if you "speak" to them first. They want a 1000 likes, hundreds of "friends" and to be told how wonderful their life is...Social media has turned us into insecure drones. But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the escape while my kids are tuned into something that doesn't involve my name or using my body as a jungle gym.

We find out more information about our loved ones online then we do any other way. We see what each others lives has become, and where it lacks. We hold no secrets and yet we also hide behind the perception that we are perfect, take perfect pictures, only post "nice" things about our family life and leave the rest untouched by truth.

In this house, I can say the truth is, We are all very loud, we yell...whether mad or happy, we are always yelling. Our neighbors must think we are the most insane people ever, WE NEVER hear them unless they are in the back yard and yet...their 3 cars are always in the drive way. I swear Neighboring Soldier boy Has no MOS. hahaha.
We Love deep so that means we fight hard.
We have 2 girls and thats a whole lot of attitude. It astonishes me what comes out of their super tiny bodies.
The 3 kids can be down right mean to each other, but at the same time, always have to kiss each other goodnight, big hugs and I love Yous to go around.
Matt and I bicker...stupid stuff, but then always seem to work it out. I get mad, punch "toward" him a few times and he just stands there, "like Ok, like that tiny fist can do real damage" Waiting for me to get over it, stop over reacting, pull back my temp and walk away....OH WAIT THATS WHERE MY GIRLS GET IT FROM ;)
The boy~ Well...mamas boy for sure, but man is he go go go go and scrappy. Seriously mini Matt, he doesn't ever stop and then does a 1000 things all at once.
MY KIDS DRIVE ME insane. So yes I do hide now and then through out the day to re-compose my mama mode. Pull sanity back to me and go again. I love my life, I love my kids, I love Matt, I love our Family, I love our life style. But I will not pretend that life is a perfectly beautiful budding Garden of peace and enchantment. People lets get real.
If we spent more time in the real world and not trying to show the world the glories of Parenthood and marriage and life in general, maybe Things would be different.
We should never strive for perfect, because then you will always be disappointed. Strive for Happiness instead.

Parenthood, Isn't all about dressing up our "dolls" and toting them around like beautiful little packages, knowing good and well, that eventually that doll is going to poop so bad it runs up her back and through the dainty little outfit you prized so much.
That 8 out of 10 burps will involve puke. That will involve a change of clothes for everyone or into your hair when your shower is still hours away...
A trip to the park with your toddler means MANY heart attacks about where they are playing. Its more work while at the park then getting ready to go to the park.
School mornings mean, early mornings, fights over outfits, hair thats too knotted up and kids who refuse to eat more then one bite of a healthy much needed breakfast.
Bedtimes means Hearing your name called 20 times for little things like " My blankets Not covering my feet" or they can not reach that Toy thats 4 inches from their legs.
Getting into the Car means fits over who sits where, and taking 10 minutes just to buckle in.
Massive amounts of home work for kids who are 5 and 6 years old.
Worrying CONSTANTLY but we know that never goes away ;)
Potty training is a nightmare, and laundry piles up everyday everywhere.
If you don't buy multiples of the same things, its Utter Chaos.
Meal time everyone wants something different (not that thats excepted in this house, but it doesn't stop the complaints)
Sharing is the Hardest thing when it comes to siblings....apparently in their handbook, it just doesnt work that way.
Theres Confusion ALL the time.
BUT then something happens...You notice the kids looking to see if you are watching them do a cool trick they learned. You hear them sing songs verse for verse. They Make you a hand made card when they are supposed to be in bed sleeping, not drawing.
The quickly blown kiss from the bus window, before anyone else sees.
The pride in school made projects.
The random kiss on the cheek or distance run just for a hug.
The rare moment they just help clean up or get excited every time they are making their bed, on their own better and better each time.
The moment they say " you made the best mommy" at dinner instead of crying that its green and not pink noodles this time.
The moment toys are shared without asking and they are playing all together nicely with no one left out crying.
Those moments...though, few and far between, help us parents out.
Parenthood is hard work, not for everyone, worth every moment of Crazy and painful moments.
For us, We couldn't erase all the hard parts, because then these good parts wouldn't be so loved and Cherished.
It goes for life in general too, not just for us parents.
If everything was easy, what would we long for? work for? hope for?

Sure, things surely have changed from the quiet of my bedroom floor to the chaos of Lunchtime in the Decker house hold.

Sure, I do not always look like I used to, Don't always get a chance to straighten my hair...and I have literally forgotten what it feels like to wear foundation (not just because of time limits but because I choose not to wear the awful stuff) Im no where near as Tan as I should be.
However, I have pieces of me that are so wonderful, Emily, Sophia and Ryan. And taking care of them, and my husband...Makes wearing Sweats n Simply mascara and lip stain, well worth it all~

I write therefore Im....NOT YET?


How does one Evolve?




How can one take their true passion and make it into a productive living?

I want to write, I think about Writing, I do random scribbles and such...but nothing is truly complete.
Im so A.d.d With my writing that Im not even kidding...

I want to share it with the world. But who cares enough to read it? I want to see it in print...In my Favorite Magazine "elle" and see it at every news stand.

I want to hear my writings Shared.

I want to keep it going and going and going and going...

But Im merely An Army house how can I make this possible. With no budget! No idea of the avenue to take...

Can't I just fall into it? Can't I just be discovered? Its not like I have not put a TON of work into my own Passion...professionally, no, Morally and emotionally YES~~~~~~

Im a writer, I write...and I want to write to live

Is that really too much to ask for! Honestly?

Tuesday, April 23, 2013



We create Art, life, morals, family values, beauty

We make time and Sense of things

We Seek fulfillment, Satisfaction

We honor truth and Hope

We learn from mistakes and always make new ones


We Have been taught the preciousness that life is offering us. With each day, each step, each breath, We find something that pushes us further and further. Journey men, of a path to created Bliss.

We Create.

We create our life's path by each choice made. And Its simple really. With each choice, We can also choose to be happy. Not that everything in life will bring us joy, not that every moment is a good one, Not that enjoyment is easily obtained, But by Choice, Do we bring it about.

Nothing in this Life is easy. but Life is simple. Believe it or not.

Our Children have reminded us about simplicity. Reminded us how honoring ourselves and our family will take us to where we need to be. Taught us about Love.

Sophie has shown us how to be humble.

The Army has taught us to be patient, and Flexible.

Emily has taught us about Humor

Ryan has taught us about stamina

The Lord has taught us about Blessings and faith.

Being Modern day Travelers have taught us about The World.

Friends have taught us about Acceptance.

No matter where we are or how much time has wrinkled our cheeks, We are always open to learning.


Are forever Students

Friday, April 19, 2013

Just me and the Blog

Water filled veins for 24 years...and Its just now starting to drain...

Replaced with the nurishment of healthy relationship goodness...

As times Change, and Persons Grow...

Minds Absorb more goodness and Feelings Show...

A Ball drops

The shoes on the Other Foot

The Grass is greener

All that Glitters isn't  Gold

Just around the Corner

Walk a mile in Someone elses shoes

You never know what you have until its gone.

The Ship has Sailed

Careful what you wish for

A fool and his money are soon parted


A little knowledge is a dangerous thing

A watched Pot never boils

The Calm before the storm

Hindsight is always 20/20

Seeing is Believing

The Darkest Hour is just before the Dawn!

We live by our creeds

I write by mine.

I understand How we grow...we adapt...we Channel into different directions. We accept. We move on. We forgive. We do not forget. We do not change. But we add to ourselves.

Thats human

This is life





Sunday, April 7, 2013

To Be or Not to Be? Whats the real question HEAR!?

Ignorance Is Truly Bliss!

Have You ever Gone to see A doctor and Wonder after the appointment...If they really can relate? Or Understand? have been there done that? With Exception to oncologists, cardiologist, And ophthalmologist...Who Ultimately Do wear Glasses and/or Contacts eventually...

I have...

Lets Take GYN's and OB's for example that are men!
Ever Wonder if they went into the profession so they can sit in front of a womans VAG all day!?
And then think, "well hey dude, How can I trust you REALLY understand when you have a penis?"

Seriously What young 20yr old MALE goes into med School thinking, OH Im picking this field because I know I can truly make A difference in the lower region of Womens lives, And I'll Extend it to Obstetrics Because I can relate to A pregnant Women and their Child......I THINK NOT PEOPLE!

Not to mention the fact its the most, intimate Medical Profession.

Whats my point?

My Point is, that I wonder if these, Audiologists, Speech Pathologists, ENT Doctors and Otolarynologist, Have spent MORE then a few days with Someone whos hard of hearing or Profoundly deaf? Wonder If They had, If they would have the Same conclusions they have now...
I feel like its important to get on a more personal level to be able to relate to families and patients To see A broader Spectrum of Possibilities.Especially since, Really they do not care what your story is for being in their office. They want medical facts, and Want to know you desire medically for the future. MOST Of what they say, Comes with a cold Front, and Simply "scientific" replies, as to WHY this is important...and why this is necessary, and What will happen in the future. LIKE THEY KNOW FOR SURE~
Professionals are always quick to Boast about their success rate, successful patients and stories TO WARM the heart. I understand its to give Hope...But then Ask them about When It didnt go so successfully, Like with Sophie, And their demeanor and Tone Changes. Its no longer with a smile, or happy Chuckle in their story. Their Eyes aren't bright when Speaking About cases where The Child just wants NOTHING to do with wearing this machine...

Side note...

Isn't it the case with Most places...In reference to Doctors offices, that the Nurses are the key players in EVERYTHING. Doctors are in and out, quick, usually cold...I feel like Maybe The smart way to become a doctor Should have meant that its a prerequisites  to Be a Nurse first, Then BE MD...Whatever you like to be Called.

Obviously I KNOW WE CAN NOT ALL EXPERIENCE the same way. Lives aren't long enough to live through every possible scenario. Im Not an idiot!

Im just saying it would be nice to relate more, and get less text book answers.

Im reminded That Sophia, Is one of the "rare" cases. In which Youth at a super young age, have already made up their own mind, their avenue of Communication. Being told that While its Not The "normal" (theres that word again) But that it does Sometimes happen. Making it that much harder to try and sway them in any other direction.

I understand that for those who have experienced Hearing loss, Or my New favorite Term thanks to "switched at birth" ..deaf gain...Are super sad, scared, scrambling for a fix it,and fix it now, route. That it would be defeating almost to have to struggle to hear, what you could always hear before.
However, I can also understand that Its a different way of life for those who's earliest memories come from silence. Where nothing BUT SOUND is new, and frightening and weird.
The Cochlear implant is a fantastic device, yes! Successfully helping those who are hard of hearing to Function Easier in this Dominate hearing World. A recipient, Knows they are still and forever will be deaf, But as Ive heard from friends, family and strangers, They see it as a way to NO LONGER BE DEAF. While thats a very false Statement, In a way, I guess it helps these hearing folk, be more ACCEPTING! They no longer see that person as deaf, and welcome them...(that sounds so bad, but its the truth, people have said that, and done that...funny huh?...)
Acceptance is a tricky thing, its not really our human nature (for most of us anyway) Something that Has to be taught, and at that Taught when Young so it sticks...Which goes along with Our family being told that scientifically, Sophie must learn speech before a certain age or it all turns to "garbage"..Their WORD USED, not my Word.
Acceptance Is something I CHOOSE to use, instead of the word Tolerance. Tolerance implies that Deep down you are still uneasy about something, but you just go with it. Acceptance is SOUL DEEP. And WHY tolerance is something WE DO NOT TEACH ABOUT IN THIS HOUSE. Our Children are being caught the importance of accepting Everyone, Culture, looks, "difference", Challenge, daily life adventures.

We feel its important to nurture Sophia's Desire to just be a kid. Her choices are just as important. Her Lifes path should be her own. AS Should All our childrens. We are not sad that Sophie is deaf. We are not sad she doesnt use her voice to speak words to us. We Communicate amazingly. This week I was informed how impressive my ASL has gotten, that its Fantastic to see that Sophie has picked it up So well. Does what every other 4 year old does, Some better, And has A bright future (duh). If speech is the only thing impacted When Sophie is an adult, then The Good Lord knows, Matt and I did A damn good job. If Speech is the only thing people want to HOLD against her...Then We will teach her that most people are ignorant, and that Shes strong enough to with stand, and maybe make that person whistle a different tune, after they meet.

When Sophie was first "diagnosed"...though Again not a term I love.
We were asked, well...How will she learn?
                                    Will she learn her ABC's and count?
                                     Be able to follow directions?
                                     How do you teach someone who doesnt hear?
                                     What kind of future can she have without sound?

My answer to all?

American Sign Language.

Its a real language you know?

Now almost 3 years later. Sophie can...

Dress herself, follow 3 step directions, Writes out "mom, dad, Emily, Ryan, Sophia" when We ask her too. Writes her letters, Knows numbers 1-10...How many 4 year olds do you know, that not only can recognize Letters in print, in sign, and then be able to write them out? Or In sign alone in Sophie case when we practice our daily writing skills. SHES A SPONGE, rather speaking or not. Because ASL is An actual structural language, To which We are taught things with. Has meaning, and just as A hearing child learns....A Deaf Child Learns through ASL.The brain receptively ACCEPTS the sign and remembers it for its meaning. People want to call it visual Cues...FINE call it what you will. But Do we not do MOST EVERYTHING with our eyes. We Are able to Live and be successful even without the sense of Sound. Did you know, that in the Canine World, hearing is the last thing to Develop? In fact All dogs are only born with one functioning sense, The sense of Smell. Personally, If I lost my sense of smell....that would be more horrible then the sense of hearing. bahaha

To Be Deaf, hearing, have Hearing Loss, or deaf Gain. If you are still learning and growing and using the gift God has Given you. Whats the Problem?

Nothing is easy. Whether you are a Deaf, blind, paralyzed or Green plant loving hippy. Some people have it harder then others. True. But All in all, life isn't a cake walk no matter who you are, or where you are lacking. Life is how we make it out to be. Happiness SOLELY depends on us and us alone. When we let the outside World torment us, break us down, hold us back, knock us down...That's when its time to pick OURSELVES back up, re-evaluate, and find our own happiness. Letting the hate, fall to the way side, find your own community and keep them Close to heart. Prayer. And the push, for joy, no matter what fault we own.

To Be Or Not to Be?

Exactly who you are supposed to be