...if only!

So, my weeks are running together, Ive been keeping myself busy, out of the house most days, running crazy. Ive been working out and eating better. But at the end of last week I somewhat, Fell apart. Stress, hormones, what have you, got the best of me. I was an emotional moody roller coaster. Thus far, this week has been better, and Im thankful for that.
For months now, Ive been researching sign language, has learned lots, shared lots, helped Sophie where I can. Shes crazy smart, and definitely an indepent lady.
People know im a Facebook junkie, and on there I have "liked" page after page for deafness, and sign language. So this morning I asked the question on a few of them "where can I get kid friendly educational sign language DVD's and if there arent any, Shouldnt there be some?" n the response I got was less the welcoming to the idea. They said, they feel as tho the biggest influence and teacher should be that of a parent or teacher to some them personably, not by funny characters or entertainment.
Now let me begin by saying, Im not against Parents and teachers being the influence and using repetition. But to think that Sign language entertainment shows are not created for children who really cant hear speech to me, is..absurd. (dont mind all my spelling errors)
If "hearing" children can learn from parents and school and education shows on Nick Jr and Disney and ABC...and Signing Time DVD's that promote signing, but have stated themselves that it is geared to hearing Children...then WHY should it be any different for Children who can NOT hear???????? WHY cant they have a DVD that has characters and adventures and pictures and be taught to read and count and recongize that is specialized to meet the needs of hearing imparement? Or am I a day dreamer.? Creativity can spree from such shows, possiblities and laughter. My Sophie watches Nick Jr, and yes she laughs and pays attention, but how much of it is she getting? she cant read, she cant read lips yet? Why should she not enjoy something she can relate to. Now dont get me wrong. I know theres signing time dvds and sign alot dvds and books and flash cards...BUT PEOPLE shes 2. She cant hear the musical numbers on Signing time. The woman who does it, signs fast and all she does is smile...Which to be honest...those who are deaf use facial expressions as they sign...NOT just smiling all the time. Im mad? can you tell? I want entertainment thats relatable. FUN! educational! Why is it not out there?

I have ideas i nmy mind as to how I would like to see the DVD, but who am I? Im a mom who wasnt prepared for this adventure, and wishes I had a bigger educational background and the knowledge and skill set needed to create and produce the type of DVD im talking about. Or knew people in the industry that could help me make it possible. But I seem to be alone in this. And Im tired and feeling like because SOphie is limited on hearing that she doesnt get the chance to take pleasure in simple things. Shes all about body language on these Shows and I feel as tho she needs more stimulation to get the messages that the Nick Jr+ shows are putting out there.

While those of you who know me, knows im all about adventure and spur of the moment Ideas and moving all the time, and change. I still want stability and home and to be prepared...and I feel like a helpless mom who doesnt get the chance to help my daughter because I dropped out of College and cant draw and cant work computer magic. ahhhh if only... if only people who want to hear the pitch and make it possible...if only!

Into my Life

I spend way too much time on Facebook, doing...absolutely nothing. Which here in the desert is a lot. I swear more then I should, and talk to the TV as if they can hear me (hmmm got it from my mother) I jump up and down in the kitchen when cleaning, and actually have great dance moves, no one has ever seen, because Im insanely SHY! I plant seeds all around the U.S and never let the roots grow. I feel as tho Ive lived the life of a gypsy in my pas-tense. I talk way too much when alone with a friend and never enough in a group,especially a group of women. Im lazy and yet hyper. I live for this family I have been blessed with. I pray to the one and only true Lord and savior. I have morals and standards and dreams and hopes, for myself, my family, and my kids themselves. I have grown beyond my years in experience. I have felt the pain of loss. I have punched and yelled and screamed at a wall to feel better. Said things out loud I then wished to take back, and never said what I meant to say at the time it needed to be said. I think about where I would be, had I went away to College after high school...Not that Im not happy now, just in my late night insomnia Randoms pop into my lil head. I have taken people for granted many a times and been used and abused just the same. I once feel head over heals for a guy in jail, got rocked by a few at my place of work, which happened to be Chuck E Cheese. But for all those relationships, and faketionships, it has led me to my best friend. Who even tho we fight, and yell and kick and scream, and have fallen and cried and lost site of things at times, we have made it further then Tons of relationships of fellow "friends" that we know. Ive been stalked many occasions and in return have...stalked some myself. Been a victim of a single white female and have fallen madly in love with ladies I knew in my past but never gave a friendship with them a chance until...life throws curve balls at you and all of a sudden you find, the similarities and traits and common situations that form a bond. I have sought out different religious virtues before completely understanding my own faith. I have turned my back on God...only to turn back around and see...not once did he leave me, not once did he shun me, but welcomed me BACK! I had 2 natural births and on csection. ALL of my kids were born in 3 different states. I have moved with Matt 8, now going on 9 times, and until this 9th move happens I can TRULY and HONESTLY say theres only been ONE SINGLE piece of material items that has been with us every single move~ that is my favorite pillow that I always hold on my sofa, its used for everything and still looks and feels the same...WONDERFUL!I learned some sign language as a kid but never stuck with it, altho The alphabet in Sign language stuck with me, it wasnt until Sophies diagnosis that I then found out I did about 5 letters in signing WRONG that whole time! N was told and now seeing that even signing has its own...accent if you will. To each their own. styles are different! I find myself signing to children Often, especially if they are young, and need something to use their hands for, because they are a little harder to understand. My daughter Emily cracks me up with her sayings and even in my most bitter of moments or Chaos with Sophies fits and Ryan clinging to me, if she says something Silly I bust out in a laugh, and its sooooo reviving! I want to slap matt just as Much as I want to kiss his handsome face. I cant imagine him not being...OUR LIFE. As he is, OUR life. I love my kids I swear MORE then any mother should ;) and I count my Blessings everyday, though some days it May get hard. I have learned more about myself and my life and about the World and people in these past 16 months more then I have my entire being. I've learned that I HATE drama, and yet Im super nosey. I want to hear about it but not be in it.
IM obsessed with the Real housewives shows and most reality tv is set to my DVR. which is a device I have no idea how I lived with out before. I have much to say to many people and yet never talk to most of them bahahaha. Which includes my parents. As lives and miles seems to really put a damper on our relationships. Ive even noticed a change in Matts communication with Friends and family back In NY, it like literally has cut down by 75% WHICH FOR MATT, MY TALKER, MY PHONE MINUTE UPPER, is HUGE DEAL! But is also Nice, because hes with us more! Instead of outside on the phone! YAY!
So much about life is crazy now, 3 kids, a husband, a deaf Child, a baby, a 4 year old whos learning to Write and read. Army life, moving, Trying to stay sane...its all my life. my life I would never change.

Fatty "fat tuesday"

For all you out there, who really know me, Knows that I have a huge quirky side. I say weird things, laugh at weird moments, say crazy things and have weird habits. To me Im very sensible, but for some, Im too out of this world to understand. Lucky for me I found Matty who gets me, and my few good friends who have NO CHOICE but to tolerate me (hahaha)
As Im sitting here blogging thinking about Lent and all that must go with it...Although Im not Catholic, Im going to take lent serious for my weighloss goal. I fell off the wagon during my monthly enemy visit. Now that that has settled down, im ~*JUMPING*~ back in!With both feet too ;)

So what am I going to swear off?
BREAD
Chips
candy
Rice
Chicken (because well my quirky self finds the taste of chicken here SOO gross, it has this weird old taste to it, and expensive, and did I say Gross)
Beef
Cheese
COFFEE (which will be soooo hard, but thats the point right, to give up stuff that you love the most enlight of the lent season)
Cereal
Soda ( tho Ill have a glass of Diet caffeine free now and then)
Sugar (will us splenda instead)



I will Vow to;
Work out for 30 mins 5 days a week
walk to the track 3 times a week for at least a mile
Do one chapter and one quiz every other day of my School work



The Weather is supposed to be gorgeous the next 10 days, and I hope after that it stays that way, it always lifts my spirits when the day is warm, not hot, but warm. Where I can take my lovely out of control children to run off energy at the park. The sun is staying up just a little bit longer and soon the start of spring will be here...I can not wait. I have my mind set of reaching my goal in one way or another. and As I read yesterday in my school book..."train dont strain, No pain no Gain is insane" so Ima do it safe, and on point! Looking to my Kids and my friends and Matt for support!!!! I know I CAN DO THIS!
So take that...Fat Tuesday
Now im off to clean out my Cabinets and Fridge to take the temptation out and throw it away!

oooo

“The spirited horse, which will try to win the race of its own accord, will run even faster if encouraged.” ~Ovid ....just had to share that.

You know, Time is flying by so fast. It accured to me over the weekend that We have almost lived in California for a year. Which means we have been out of NY for a yr, and which means my Kiddos have grown a huge amount.
Its march 7th. Seems like just last night I was wrapping Christmas gifts to stick under the Tree, and the night before that like I was prepping the thanksgiving Turkey. Meanwhile, so much has happened in between. Rocky roads were walked upon, self pity over came me many times, laughter became a medicine. Tears formed lakes and Sunshine dried them up! ahhhhhhhhh what a few months can do to a person. To a family. To relationships of all kinds. Life changes and it has accured to me, that we must grow with it. You can not expect to be the same person you were 5 years ago, or even a few months ago.

I have to say that as Weather becomes me sunshining and less gray, My spirits lift. I find it harder and harder each day to NOT find something to be thankful for. There are moments of complete and utter torture and pain, but then that all only lasts a short while, before something hysterical happens and those horrors become part of the past.

Ive Walked a million Miles, and I'd like to see some other people step into my shoes and walk the same line, before they go and judge, who I am, what I do, who IM with and what I decide happens with life. My life is way less then perfect, but its mine and I love it and I wouldnt trade it for anything. It just seems to me, More often then Not I run into people who are just straight out mean and drama filled, looking for a game to play. They say and Do hateful things to make their lives seem so much better...but it just makes me wonder what really is going on in their head.

The Biggest Lesson in life that we can learn is that we dont have to know it all. Its not meant for us to figure out.
In the inspiring and repetitive words of "the Fresh beat band" that plays on my TV like 4 times a day..."let the good times Roll" lol. IF only Nick Jr had some more shows that they didnt have to repeat over and over to fill time slots.

So as most of you readers can tell, Im just a rambler, I dont really stick to one subject, I jump all around in my blogs. and thats ok! My Mind wonders and just getting it all down...helps clear my mind. Which reminds me I need to get back to barnes and nobles book store they had AWESOME, pretty notebooks on sale. (Jenny <3)

"highway" Time

Yesterday afternoon, was the first time in the 9 months that we have lived in California that I realized Why these Desert Dwelling Californians Love where they live. Yesterday I noticed more then ever the peace, that the barren Mountains Bring to the soul.

The Drive to Yucca Valley where Sophies Audiologist is, is a long a boring drive. Nothing but Desert flats, Mountains to climb, small run down towns and broken down Trailers for never ending miles and miles. A 2 lane highway, that takes you in between Mountains and up into High elevations. Much like those movies you see in the desert where nothing is around...yea!
Because Matt and his 24hr CQ shift the night before I had the priviledge to drive TO Yucca Valley on my "own" while he slept in the passanger seat. He and everyone else slept and I danced alone listening to the very FEW radio stations we got. Watched RV after RV fly passed me and got cut serveral times by crazy white haired old ladies (whom never cease to amaze me in their driving skills here in SoCal, Old people drive FAST!!!!! REAL FAST out here)
The Drive there was long and boring and I couldnt wait for the 2 hrs to end.

Sophies appt was short and sweet, just adjusting her aids so it would be hard for her to now take them apart and hide or chuck at me, in her display of refusing to wear them. Which tends to be a horrible and loud scream...and running and shaking her head no like theres no tomorrow~~SIGH~~

I was dreading the lonely Drive back, because Matt needed to get some more sleep. So we stopped at Walmart and got the kids some food, to buy some much needed out of car time! But as the day would soon be ending it was time to get back on the road.

20 minutes into the Ride, as we just were leaving the yucca Valley/Johnson Valley borders, Everyone but myself had passed out again. I played the radio and tuned out Matts excessive snoring next to me. I was in a daze, and starting to feel...like I shouldnt be driving, I was bored and exhausted...Not what usually happens in my long drives...I worked thru that by singing to myself and then...I noticed, the sun prepping itself for its descent. Through the clouds and over the peaks of the mountains it was casting its light down onto the highway...That Woke me up right away~

I started to think about how beautiful the land was. And How the trailer dwelling families out here are really Lucky to get to see the sun set everyday, and wake up the the birds singing in the mountains that stand DIRECTLY behind them. Not so bad. Peaceful. Very little amounts of People stay out there, and For those searching for miles and miles of nothing but nature and peace! And heat! they have found it! ANd I saw it for the first time, out on that Highway, thinking to myself, seeing...what they see! Understanding!...Hoping one day to real want to settle my gypsy self, and plant my roots deep into a land that makes me feel...that very way!

My pictures I took yesterday March 1st on highway 247~