Saturday, November 27, 2010

been thinking...

Sometimes in the heat of the moment we all jump to conclusions. We listen to what we are told instead of looking for the truth. We hold things against people that arent any of our business. We cringe n shutter at a mere issue, that we werent involve in because somewhere down the "telephone" line, things got changed n messed up, the story then false. Just like that silly little "telephone" game we play as kids, to see if the person at the end of that long sharing line was told "the truth". Things get mis understood. N, I for one feel bad. its happened to me.

Lately Ive been feeling as tho I am invisable. That people only included me in the gossip that I had no business being in. Stories all got changed, n my need to swallow it over came me. N im more n more regretting it. Here we are now, N im pushed aside, im lost in the shuffle of things, over looked, n not really cared for. N I guess thats my own doing. I stepped out of my norm when I came here to Fort Irwin, I tried to make friends, Something thats not easy for me, I tried to put myself out there, n climb out of the hermit crab shell I like to stay with in...n all it did was get me in trouble, hurt me, n make me feel like a bad person.
Nothing personally was done to me by the friend I pushed away, I took other peoples stories to heart in fear that drama would suck me in n i'd wind up doing something I regret.......yet!!!! It happened anyway. just in a different way.

Maybe Im being overly sensitive. Maybe Im seeing something different. Or maybe this something was never there to begin with. The people who I say our my few friends here on post...just maybe just maybe are not. especially since they got their group of friends they were missing back. Here I am again, outkasted......well at least feeling that way.

So here I go, cutting myself off from the world again, putting the lid back on my jar of "pitty me", n being the loaner mom, I guess I was always meant to be. I cant help but think, too, that this time of year is the worst for me. Holidays' n missing my ever so crazy family n especially my real friends from back home ( tho again they are so few...enough to count only on one hand)

Still, Im sad since losing such a dear Friend on Thanksgiving (R.I.P Ricky J Vidal I love you) t young age of yet another drunken overdose. It brings out all the sorrow in me...makes me think even harder, torture myself for making others feel worse about themselves, because thats not like me. thats not what Im about. N Im truly sorry, if I could take things back I completely would. Ive missed out, my kids have missed out, n IM an idiot. I CAN NOT WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT SOPHIES TEST ON TUESDAY N HOPEFULLY GET OFF THIS POST BY THE SUMMER, maybe I can start over. n this time be a real friend.

Because Im sorry...but I dont know how else to get it heard