Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Just a girl

Seemed to be the Sound of choice while closing out 2011. December was an epic failure for me in terms of keeping my cool.
Anyone who knows me well, knows about some of the "stuff" I put myself through. The challenges, the ups and downs, the wild thoughts and the complaining I love doing. Anyone who knows me well, knows me well enough to know I USUALLY, again USUALLY can handle a ton, and keep my composure. Especially in front of other people, in public, with friends over, Dinning out, or shopping in good Ole' Walmart. I have been told "I dont know how you do it" "I cant believe you were so calm, I would not have been if that just happened to me"like from my Friend Amy when Trying to calm 3 crazy loud fighting and crying kids down to watch a movie at her house. Even she left the room to "make Coffee" because Truly the kids were WILD. I get embarrassed easily, and so to not shame myself even further Keeping calm in those situations are the only thing I know how to do.
Its not "impressive" its how I cope. At Home sure, I flip, Ill yell, Ill give time outs, and Swear in my head when Sophie and Ryan are fighting on who gets to sit on my lap...which happens EVERY time Im sitting in the livingroom after Dinner. I roll my eyes and giggle a little when my body flinging son throws the mother of all tantrums over something so minute.
Ive never really been the punishing kind, Ryan pinches Emily, and I tell him no. Ryan is playing with the blinds and I can yell out loud and he just laughs but once Daddy raises his voice while Ryan is doing it, Ryan RUNS off crying. WTH.??? NOT FAIR ;) At home Ive created bratty loveable monsters but they are pretty awesome kids and pretty well behaved in public (usually).

But December was new territory for me. I couldnt form a sentence with out grinding my teeth, swearing, or punching something hard. Sophie couldnt drop her yogurt with out being sent to her room for 5 minutes. Ryan wouldnt stay in his crib and I had to just leave him crying to fall asleep. The house couldnt get clean enough, the Cats crying was making me want to rip off my own ears. Problem after Problem, issue after issue, bad news and more bad news kept creeping up at every turn I made. I felt myself Leaving my body. I was not myself, I felt out of control and unstable. Irritable, sad, angry, no control over emotions. Was losing my mind, and my family was getting the brunt of my frustration. I had missed a period and BAM....My little bit of grasp I had left of reality flew right out of my hand. Thats it...I knew it. I just knew it. I was in total manic mode. Sick all day, head aches and leg pains at night, crying fits and wanting no one to touch me. My taste buds were crazy, I hated the taste of chicken and loved ketchup....GROSS.
My face and Arms looked like I had balloon animals glued to them. Insomnia and weird ass dreams when I did finally get to sleep.
An utter utter utter nutty mess. December...ugh...December
Christmas Came and went, I had put on a great face, Truly was excited, and happy for the kids and loved the cooking and baking I was doing. Enjoyed the family time we had. But under neath it all....I still was a mess. What was I to do. Daily waiting and waiting and looking for the period that was M.I.A. Still nauseous, still panicing I made an appt with the Doctor at the end of December. The week before DRAGGED on, that Friday couldnt come fast enough. Thankfully, when it did arrive. Barely anyone was in the waiting area. I GOT weighed and Felt my EYE bug out of my head at the number...NOT COOL.
Sat with the nurse and told her how I was feeling. She says "give me an example of a mood swing your having" and As I was telling her I could feel myself panicing and getting anxious and tears she stopped me and Just told me to wait. Doc came in shortly after....we talked...he examed me...we talked more...I cried 2x. Like not even just tears, like FULL ON I COULDNT TALK CRYING. Finishing up with him, he sent me to get blood work done. Then I waited...and waited...and waited...

Picked up my presciptions and went home.
He Set me up with Celexa, an anit-depression and anxiety medication. told me it would take a few weeks to get into my system. Give it some time, and come back in a few weeks and we will see how things are. Then work on my weight loss.phew...ok. If thats what needs to be done for me to feel like Becci again. Fine. BRING IT ON. I have to start out 2012 on a good foot and if being on some "happy pills" is the way to start then great...fine...ok...
Literally I do mean LITERALLY 24hrs after my appointment with the doctor.
Aunt FLOW (wink wink)finally showed up for her visit. OOO the Luck.
I can not believe it. ON New years Eve Nonetheless. WELCOME NEW YEAR.

And here I am 4 days later, FEELING LIKE BECCI. Not as insane, not as moody, NO hysteria or punching of cabinets while waiting on the phone to talk to cable with those stupid automated voices. No more yogurt punishments or hiding out. I can breathe easy, I have BEEN SLEEEEEEEPING (rejoice) laughing and smiling just because I can. All the while still taking those Meds. But according to reach, it wont be in my system and regulating things for a few weeks still. So...was I just a menstrating momzilla??? HARDCORE PMSING stress machine? After 18 months of very regular Aunt Flow visits, being thrown off the track like that must have sent my emotions over the edge. What now tho? DO I continue Celexa? And wait till my Feb appointment with the Doc to say "oooops i was pmsing" ????????

Ahhhhhhhhhh Seems to be the sound of choice again, But THANKFULLY for a much different reason. ;)
Who knew how much my hormones were still so teenage like...
Just a Girl. Im still just a Girl.