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Monday, January 17, 2011

I know I am me. And Im getting rid of you!

One of the Worst things for me, is feeling Forgotten about! Left Behind with an idea in my head until I realize that its not going to happen. That seems to be the case recently. Truth be told this past month has been the worst month of my life! And I've had some pretty bad ones. So much goes down, and Changes me, Changes how I look at People how I look at things, how I feel! Makes me Doubt things I dont like to doubt. Its not fun to be a downer.

I know IM a weird one, I saw retarded things, sometimes come off as A know it all brat. Have weird habits and crazy ideas. But thats who I am. At least that much of myself I truly know. Its why my whole life I've only ever been able to call a handful of people my true friends. Its why to this day only a few people understand me. Only One person, next to Matt and my Brother John, really ever had the ability to stay my friend for soooo long. Only She knew who I was then and what I was about AND loved me for my quirky differences Back then And that was Jeanna. Sure I had my few good Friends, that was just as funny and lame as me in High school...(Kyrst-a-lo and mommy loves Toilet paper, my Natalie and Alex of the Charlie Angels Harmony GANG! that we were, but see even in that silly but super fun "gang" I was nic-named after the quirky different Dylan Character played by the quirky different Drew Barrymoore.LOL) And My love Jessica Ward and Best bud and Writing buddy and Oldest Friend Benny <3. Benny understood me back then too, theres something about artists that helps us relate on a deeper level. Then as I got older and times changes all my friends who loved me for my differences...left. We grew apart, in way different directions, seeing different views on life, and relationships and future everything. Nothing was the same. accept that I was still "different" and I was alone in my own World. Then I met my Sweeeeet Sweeeet Dawny! Who made me believe in friendships again, who gave something to hold onto and enjoy my weekends with. Our late night duets and games of truth or dare, our heart to hearts and silly stupid overly annoying fights...as I remember correctly being called a beast NOW I laugh but then....ooooooo boy! ;) (love you dawn) She will always be my bestie. She takes my difference and doesnt hold it against me.
Then theres my Jackieness, who GOD BLESS HER HEART, has been my support through my trials and tribulations with My Family, with Sophie, with my Savior. Whos been there to give me words of wisdoms and harsh truths when I need it. WHOS NEVER ONCE judged me! Who even thru her hardships has managed to still engage in mine to be my push back into reality! I could not servive without my Jackie! My whole Woods Family who I hold so dear to my heart! She and I have come along way from our Junior Hight years at Harmony where She basically had me scared of her BAHAHAHAHA too my secret Jealousness of her dating Rich!! Hes such a hottie ( as I recall telling her that the other day)

POint is Im different, Always have been and Always will be. Im finding now as im far away from my constints and the familiars of our childhood home , that Not toooooo many people are embraced by who I am. My lifestyle isnt Ideal, my Children arent ideal because they color on Walls or Dont speak to adults and are quiet. Because Im not a party person or really a person who hangs with a ton of women. Its like Im back in Highschool and not accepted by "the COOL kids" Stupid Petty stuff Ive tried to just live above. Yet, I figured Hey Bec, you are now Military you will be alone often, much like a single mom, you need to find strength in yourself and enjoyment in other wives and moms whos dealing with the same battle of Military life. So I put myself out there, Tho it may not have been a lot. Its been more then I've ever been willing to do my entire life. Here I am 8 months later REGRETTING letting myself become Vulnerable. And open to these friendships. Ive gained nothing but thats ok, Because I cant say I put much of anything out there for them to gain either.
Fort Irwin Surely lives up to its rep of being the most miserable place on earth. The army sure lives up to its rep of having shitty fake women and cheating lieing men. Slutty ass Enlisted Female Soldiers and alochol becoming our best friend.
So Call me what you want, talk behind my back. thats fine. You no longer have to leave me out, or feel OBLIGATED to invite me or my family to anything anymore. I'm taking my Fort Irwin Friends and erasing them from the only form of communicated we COULD have anymore. And Im not going to feel too bad, because feeling stood up tonight was my last straw. Then Feeling like I was then lied too about being stood up sent me over the edge. Dramatizing it...? Maybe I am? And I dont care anymore. No one else cares. They've known me what feels like a whole 2.5 seconds and never really built a relationship sooo why would it bother them, they have the ones they prefer to hang out with anyway. And All tho one of these woman have a movie I love that they borrow months ago, Im just cutting my loses and will buy a new one. And Altho my Kids loved playing with theirs and the few times we could, They will find new ones. And Altho I enjoyed having Adult conversations face to face with people, I'll find different people!
New growing pains, new friends, new life, new everything. Starting over again! My Kids, My family, My God are the only things that matters to me!

I know Who I used to be, I know who I am now, I know I can find a happy medium, if I let go of the negative, and embrace whats real. Being thankful for what I have, instead of what I dont, or dwelling on what I lost. At least I can say I put myself out there. So good Bye Fort Irwin snobs. I cant wait to get the heck out of Crumby California...and Fake,scared women, who do not know how to say what the mean, and do what they say~

Ohh and I know I have spelling errors, and bad sentence structure and misplaced words and such in this whole thing.. Im not perfect so get over it and dont judge. Plus its late and ive been drinking Hence Alcohol becoming a best friend here!