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Sunday, January 23, 2011

where it stems from...

Lord Knows So much has been happening these last few months. things that have been out of my control, things that have left me weak and powerless over. Stuff I cant change but wish I could.

Im a pusher, Im a person who will instantly push people away when its not working for me. Or when I get angered tooo much. Its a big fault of mine. Something I thought I had worked on, but as these last few weeks have shown, Its still a working progress.

There are things about me, about who I am, about my struggles and faults that I wondered why they are the way they are with me. And I think after thinking long and hard I now know where it stems from.

Beneath all my many layers. Beneath everything I am, and everything I hide, My insecruities and pushing...stems from my unconscience feeling of abandonment. Maybe it doesnt make sense to you readers but If I really think about it, theres a long line of abandonment that has made me who I am today.

I always believed that babies have the memory completely opposite of that of an Elephant...while I dont remember anything From my baby and tot years, and Now believe that deep with in me, having been left to rot and Die by my birth mom, left an open wound, that was left open and became the breeding ground for more issues. A hot bed of....PAIN!

Years of growing pains, being left by friends, pushed away from friends. going into resentment for My pre-teen years where I felt like more of a rebel teen mom to my brothers then anything else. To a teenager to acted out by lieing and seeking ALL the wrong kind of guys. Getting in trouble, scary trouble, painful trouble. Still left to play Teen mom. Hmmm Abandonment....Like I was the only one around to emotionally care for my brothers. For the house! for my own school work. Where was my mom? Where was my dad? Home...working...sure...but why should life have to take over so much, that responsiblities with in the emotional well-being of children faulter?

After high school, I ran away from NY! thinking thats what I needed. Thinking that my families issues would be escaped and I would be a stronger person. Life for me was moving on, all the while, my families "together-ness" was riping at the seams. Moved back to NY because I got pregnant and wanted my family near me, wanted my moms support. Moved back home. But, didnt get even a piece of the support I needed, I wanted. I craved for. I was alone...for being surrounded by all the people who claimed to love me. A growing baby inside me, and the growing desire to RUN again. Maybe the whole time of me running, was me trying to FIND a place where I felt wanted, and needed and loved and NOT JUDGED. 2 months of living back in my parents house...we moved out and into our first middletown Apt. Only to a month later see my best friend Move out of the same complex....ALONE...AGAIN! Pregnant, A relationship like the Waves of the ocean, had me high on so much anxiety it led me to pre-term labor...which landed me in the Hospital for 3 days...ALONE! Selfish to say yes, lives move on, it doesnt come to a stop just because I was in need. People Work and People have things to take care of...I get that. Thankfully the Lord allowed the labor to stop and I went 7 more weeks before Emily Was brought into this World. But again...In the hospital having Emily. THo I made the mistake of Not allowing certain people in the birthing room once I had started to push and push..I still never got another visit from the ones I hurt that night! My mom never came back! She never came to see me or the baby after we got home either, for months!!! Abandoned again, during one of the most needed Motherly times, I needed her. Im thankful for those who did come to visit in the Hospital after I had Emily, uncle Paul, Aunt Juanita and Dave, Kelley and Al. Dawn and Jay. The same loved ones who also came to visit me and baby at home once we were back, who made dinners for us, to make it easier for me, who watched Reese while We were away. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Jeanna and Brandon for Coming and letting me take my First baby free shower. Thank You! But where was my parents?...again. Left alone, left to rot...by parents.

My wedding...WHERE WERE MY PARENTS! The point was to have it small and only immediate Family. I wanted Matts Parents to be there, and my parents and Brothers to be there. And I got stood up by my family. Thank Jesus for Good Friends dawn and Jason for coming otherwise I would have had NO ONE there on my side....still for sucha happy day. I felt Alone!

Pregnant with Sophie, and Huge Fight with my father, led to me being disowned and pushed away....left me broken. Tho I held it together in face, once he left and the front door closed, I ran to hide in the closet. The smaller the space during my moments of Tragedy, the better i felt. We've made up since then, good now. But theres still, that sting, that thought! that sense of he so easily saying those words and walking away! 4th notch in the pole of MALE insecurities, I hold.

Moved back to NY a month after Sophies Birth in Iowa. after having Run to Iowa in the fall of that year after the fall out with my father. But moved back home again, because Again In my moment Of intense NEED I wanted my mom. I needed my mom, I wanted to be saved from the post-pardom depression that had taken over me. But all Anyone saw when we got home, was Bitch, was How wrong I am, was How all my choices had left, us penniless and in a sense homeless. No one understood, Not even my husband, because one huge thing I fault in, is talking openly about my feelings. I bottle everything up and hide it. AGAIN 2 months of living home, before we were then kicked out, YES kicked out! And Thankfully was able to stay 3 weeks at Dawn and Jasons before we decided to Pack up again and run away...run away to Florida.

5 and half months after moving to Florida, Matt joined the army. 2 weeks before he left for his basic training we discovered MUCH to my surprise. That I was Pregnant AGAIN!...2 weeks into it. Matt left...and AGAIN I was alone. Thankfully this time around moving back to NY and into my fathers house it went...ok...I had some help with Kids, the Girls and I were provided with Food and warmth, and safety. My brother gave us a car. It was pretty good. Spent time with Friends, enjoyed life. Even tho Matt was away and it was hard especially on Emily. We were surrounded by goodness.

We moved to California for the Army, I put myself out there, knowing that now more then ever I needed to break out of my shell and be open to new friends and different types of personalities to go along with it. Its started out great. Having a blast at the pool, coffee gatherings, and play dates, trips to the parks with friends and Parties and good conversations. but then........now.....a few months later, Im left alone again! Physically my friends list has been cut...emotionally IM drowing. Family life is hard, Stuff with Sophie is hard, now some friends gone.
And Now this week, more then ever I feel another friend, Someone I told everything too, and talked to everyday, who was there for me....I feel her drifting away! And With everything else going on. I havent felt this alone...IN A LONG TIME!

I know this entry is full of bad things, and sad things and self pity. But the venting and the writing it all down,is healthy for me. Is...what I need.
Some of this might hurt people! but, thats not my intention. My point is that Im understanding where my insecurities come from...why Im so afraid of being alone. And Why I push people away FIRST!
All good things must come to an end too right?