Birthday Wishes and Wedding Bells.

One thing For sure about the Month of August, is that it totally rocks!

Im partial, since Not only is it my BIRTHDAY month, but its My Lovey Hubby's

and My best Friends Birthday Month as well!



HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, AND US, AND YOU, And ME ME ME ;)


Its the Month We always spent Heading to the beaches, its the month we claim the most of Summer in. It was the Last chance to complete the Summer bucket list, before heading back to school each year.


And when I think about it...Matt and I are so privileged to have been able to spend Our birthdays together and in So many different places. This year In Honolulu <3 whhhhat We've celebrated after Leaving New York at 19 in wonderful places like : Phoenix Arizona Sumner Iowa New York (again) Clearwater/ Tampa Florida Fort Irwin/ Los Angeles California Tacoma Washington And Now Honolulu Hawaii Seems so weird No? I absolutely Love birthdays...the Continuation into a New year. 30 is quickly approaching and Im Psyched My 20's have been so extremely full...over whelming...exciting...but so full. Between all our travels, marriage and 3 kids I welcome the 30's. As All our Children are now completely out of the baby stage. 2 now being in Full time School and Ryan...Being too smart for his own good. Im welcoming the end of my 20's. Sure Im only turning 28 this year, but it gives me 2 more years to jam pack and make way for some breezier 30's.

Happy Birthday Month Dawny!!!
I miss my Dawny. Our birthday Months together were always so fabulous. Especially the one we got to spend together in Florida. I miss the crazy games and conversations we would have in front of the boys just to make them sit there, scratching their heads, wondering..."what is wrong with them" Miss her Kids all 4,000 of them ;) since her house is the Hub for all things Arnold <3 Family. Family. Family. Here I go again, speaking on something thats SO screwed up. I am definitely NOT the person anyone should seek for counsel on Family feuding. But, if they are looking for someone to tell them exactly what to say and do, to put a giant sized Wedge between them..Im the girl~ I have Full accepted, admitted, and taken responsibility for the Shit I did and said. All of which, I believe as my own truth, my version, my side, and reason for the fact Im not thought of as a part of their family anymore. I feel like now 3 years into feuding, and trying to reach out in different ways to mend it, that Theres no possible reconnection. Yet, Family is supposed to be able to for give, for get and move on. Forget Yesterday. So hard to do. So hard to do. I dwell I list I go tit for tat I compare he did, she said, I did, So I said. Human nature I guess. But...When it comes to family, shouldn't there be different rules at play? Its not like, We met when we were 10 got super close, then had a falling out and never want to see each other again...Its family. Life, here in the Decker house, has been painfully hard at times. Wouldn't a Father want to know? Shouldn't they care? And Give advice, or be a listening ear? Shouldn't a Grandparent, want to keep in touch with their grandkids, Not just hang pictures of them on their wall, like it makes up for anything? Especially during a crazy transition like they have gone through with moving, or In Sophies case with Surgery, and processing, and Transferring to an All deaf School? Shouldn't A daughter, want and need and hope to learn about wedding bells from her own dad. Sure, Brothers are the next best thing to get news from...But One would hope, that such, great news, such life changing events, should be shared among everyone. Thats All I wanted, as I told my brothers. I said. Thank You for telling me, I think thats fantastic. Now I want to see if Dad lets me know himself....weeks went by...Moved...weeks went by some more...Now only a few days from their date and My emails to him have not been responded to. :( I just wanted to show my joy. And Simply ask, if he considered reaching out and tell me. Have not been given the chance, Maybe one day I've since Changed my cell number since moving to Honolulu, but my email address has always been the same, for the last 6 years. And As I dwell, and compare, and go tit for tat, after getting no response...I then laugh at myself. How Silly. True, We invited him to Our "wedding" the only one we could afford after being told we have to now pay it all ourselves since Emily came first. And True, he decided to not Show up! And True It was done the day before his birthday. And True now they are marrying a week before mine...And True he can not stand the man I married. But UNTRUE, that I do not like Jessica. And UNTRUE, that Im not happy for them marrying. Oddly...things are not so different. In the lives we lead. Though We now know nothing about whats going on...in the day to day routines. we are not so different. Where can one go from here? Does it matter? is It possible? Is it mutual? A Wise Man in my Family, Once pulled me aside, to say, That the Sins of the Father are visited Upon the Children. And To walk carefully. The Conversation had always stuck close to me, I still remember where we were, the weather outside, and that it felt like the First honest and open (in non joking manners)conversation we had ever had before... It got me thinking about, Foot steps. And how we eventually, most of us anyway, wind up walking the same path as our parents. And its Our choices, that make the difference. Its our life, and our sins, we are to be accounted for. And if we are not careful. We can all wind up, with 1000's of miles between, passing away without having ever said, to the other...You know what, Im sorry and was foolish but I never stopped to let go of my anger to show show you I still do love you. Like Fathers, and mothers, before us. I take Full responsibility for my part. I know where I fall short...and because of my faults, and my sins, and my foolishness, and my pains and suffering I do not want our kids to thus have to be burdened and because of this separation it puts wedges between others too...I miss my Little Brothers, And Missed so much of their exciting life changing events as well

Exodus 34:6-7) - "Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in loving kindness and truth; 7 who keeps loving kindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations."



Slow to Anger! Something My brother Kept saying this past weekend. Slow to Anger.
A task we have trouble with, something we need to work on. I need to work on.

So with Birthday wishes, for myself and my near and dears...
I also wish Joy and fulfillment, honesty and truth to each other and to themselves, in a Gracious and wholesomely long Marriage.
God Bless and best wishes on your happy day.


And Just because, Im so in love with the theme song from my new Fav ABC family Show...I have to include this song. It brings tears to me every time. Its beautiful. And Meaningful and ALMOST perfect for todays blog :)

I am thankful for my Family I do have. For my hard working Husband, and for my crazy loving Bunches of oats~

Family, Friends, and where blood doesn't make family, acceptance and love Makes Family, are welcomed

Means to the End. Shall we Move on?

Often in my short life, I've been faced with the decision to either MOVE on, and continue down the path. I've felt the sting of letting go, I've felt the repercussions of heading the same way. I've also experienced the relief and joy from both.

While I think about whos precious in my life, the list is short. And Thats Great because that means I've grown emotionally. I feel like, you can not trust everyone, but a few at a time, and those are the people you need to cherish most.

While I Think about Whos Birthday it is today I remember the journey. The extreme of the bumps, the extreme of the highs, the love, the drama, the patching of deep wounds. The last time we broke up, I remember Everyday wondering what I was missing in her life...BIG THINGS AT THE TIME. I was wondering if We'd never exchanged such harsh words if  We'd be experiencing these things together. I remember saying all the time to mutual friends, that I'm sad We can not fix it, that I wish she would just respond to my attempts.
When things Finally were starting to come back together, and the glue was "drying"
I remember being so grateful. So excited, but walking slowly and quietly and being cautious not to just stick my nose right into everything I had missed.
The near YEAR of our biggest break up ever, I felt as though A piece of me was missing the entire time. I desired to have her back and things mended. I thought about it often. Reached out often. Not always in the right way granted.
It was so hard. So heart breaking where our friendship of SO long had wound up.
At the same time, as We know God allows things to happen for specific Reasons, I feel like that rough year was a palate cleanse. She And I, from my point of view, had been on this jagged edge for quit some time. Both stubborn, both ignoring the signs till we had to face them straight on.
Here we are almost 3 years past the break up, and well, we are not in the same place. Not the same place we were as kids, not the same place we were as teens, nor young adults, nor before the breakup. We are NEW. We are better. And while distance is a huge gap. In a sense...thats what broke down walls.
God Sends us on Journeys for a reason, He puts people in our lives for a time, or for life. And he has a plan. With this relationship, I never felt like She was supposed to be gone forever. I never was at peace with it. On my end. I knew I wasn't supposed to move on from this.
And Im glad to be where I am with her today.


But God does Challenge us, and our lives, and our hearts. For even though he knows our truest of true wants and desires. He challenges us so that we can learn from life and see the CLEAR reason for his actions for us. Not always easy. Not always something happy. But reality.

When God tells you to move on, it's because He has something so much better for you than where you are right now!

 

Is something I read this morning. And After my Conversation last night with my Brother, I felt like it was set before at the most perfect of times.

 

 

I will not pretend that my distance from certain family members is easy. I will admit I do At times wonder about how life is going for them. I will always love them. I will say that im not surprised on our outcome. I made one last feeble attempt in December, a sliver of an out reach, and it didn't go so well. And thats ok. Now with it being May, And knowing things I do know...I feel as though I'm ok. Im strong enough to understand what it is I am supposed to do from my side. And that is to MOVE ON. I have no struggles with it, surprisingly. I have no doubts about doing so. No panics about what it means, or where it leaves My family and I. Too much was said from my side, too much said from their side. Too many emotions then floating around, clouding judgements. And We both made choices. And  our means to an END was our Own versions of our truths. It got us to where we are...which is...far apart.

 

Our oldest does wonder why we do not speak to everyone. I have been asked "why does he not talk to me" And then get lack of memory from them. Who knows if in years to come something brings our lives closer again. And He can spend the time he wants to repair the relationships he could have now. But thats a future I can not see myself, thats in the hands of God only.

 

Moving on is never easy. Sure I'll catch myself in thought and wonderment. I'll be reminded by little things. Ill be curious. But I know...Some people are meant to be with you forever, some for a short time, Some to raise you up and teach you, some to hold your hand through tough times, some to challenge you, some to knock you to your feet. Some to pick you back up. Some through thick and thin, and some to tell you Goodbye 

annoying

Its so annoying sometimes, wanting to BLOG!
Wanting to blog and write out my feelings at the moment I have them. Express myself and a situation I want to highlight.
Give my two cents and Have a ventation centered blog.

I have so much I want to spill onto these pages, yet because I have a certain audience...Its not really appropriate. ANNOYING!
Annoying I want to really vent, and because of retaliating folks, I can not.

But do I let ligit feelings sit and fester once again...and 2 years from now explode? hahaha it would be deja vu.

It would be healing for me. Im stress and feeling pressured and mad and it all makes me think of the Story of the Wolf in sheep clothing.


Ugh its so annoying I have to be vague........


Plain and simple Bullshit




but then again such things makes me think a movie line (yet again)
"you cant spell families with out Lies...AM I right? or AM I RIGHT?"









Cue evil laugh

Wheres a falling house when I need one ;)

can I get an AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Totally not related to my home,
my kids
my husband
where I live
or anything I usually complain about



totally related to, those people I shall not name


I WANT TO EFFIN SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM


yea at you!

farewells of unfairy-tales

Was going to write this Blog, and post a story with in. I got 3 paragraphs down, and had to step away to help one of my kids. Came back to the computer and deleted it all.

This whole mess that I had started went exactly the way I knew it would. So, yes it was pointless to say what I said and How I felt, and pointed out what I saw. What I hear and get from conversations.
It has brought me back to where I was with some of my family 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with Sophie. Discarded, for having an opinion. Which I knew at the very moment I pushed the send button of the first message...that indeed it would be the result.
Ive said this before, but to repeat myself once more...While my Words were Harsh, blunt, brutal, and targetting, Im not sorry they were Said. Yes it wasnt the way it should have been handled, couldnt have used more poise. Said things not so blunt, and tip toed around all my points, but would the outcome have been different?
No, because my points were not even addressed anyway.
I already said sorry once for it coming off so harsh, but my words I wont take back.
While, my mother wants me to take a view point from above, and swallow the bitter words of now not having a relationship with him, I dont think that I possibly could. Its too easy to cut someone off, and have that be the end of all means, instead of examining where the questions are coming from instead. Its easier to ignore someone then to Acknowledge them as well.
Its easier to ask someone to fight your battles for you, then get your own hands dirty.
Its easier to have spies, then be caught with the camera
Its easier to wear a mask then ask someone to accept who you are, when you cant even accept yourself.
Its easier to talk a big game, then perform.
Easier to cover a blemish, then kill the root of the bacteria.
Easier to walk away from something that seemed forced, then to force something that never was.

I am a patron to this list, and a victim as well. The evil Master mind and tamed shrew as well.
And I know that my biggest enemy can sometimes BE myself.

My family has had quarrels before, blow outs, and times where we havent spoken. Hard years and great memories. Solid pasts and rocky presents. As for the Future, though, Im not God, and Im not perfect, I am Better today, then I was yesterday, and Ill be better tomorrow then I am today.
I can say this with Honesty of right now...
Forgiven it may already be, being shunned once again, and asked to not have a relationship with the Father who raised me up...I will not go back.
Sorry Mom, you said take it with a grain of salt.But I cant forget this time.
cut me off, once, Shame on you, Cut me off, twice, Shame on me.


While yes I have been blogging about this personal situation in my life. I had been good about then not publishing feed to my facebook page, this time I think I will. And those who want to read it may, and those who dont, dont have to. I write to release things and I have every right in doing so. Call me a venter, sure, not a trouble maker, as Im not looking to hurt People by this particular blog. Simply, say! Like, its been said to me, theres no going back on these words, and that Ship has sailed. Just because I knew he would make it the product of the discussions doesnt mean it still doesnt sting....But as I posted in an Early Blog, the Words, Ill say...

BUT STILL ILL RISE!

I feel bad that my brothers seem to be in my web, and I hope when they get home, that they arent overwhelmed with chaos or dissappointed faces.
Wishing them the best, and will contact them in some way shape or form.

farewells~*~*~of~*~*~unfairy-tales.




Found these this morning...and liked them, though these quotes first fit the blog I started and deleted, more then they fit now...Ill leave them anyway :)


“It is not always by plugging away at a difficulty and sticking to it that one overcomes it; often it is by working on the one next to it. Some things and some people have to be approached obliquely, at an angle.”
André Gide


“The way I see things, the way I see life, I see it as a struggle. And there's a great deal of reward I have gained coming to that understanding -- that existence is a struggle.”
Harvey Keitel Quotes


Ive been searching, and Finding solitude in words of people whos mind is greater used then mine!
I dont live by quotes, but I sure do like to read them, and Share them...