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Monday, September 19, 2011

The past is the past but I'll keep it all close!

Ever Wonder what might have been?
Sometimes I catch myself thinking about it.
Thinking about things Ive done, said, or didnt for that matter.
Not that life isnt wonderful, and obviously Im where Im supposed to be for this part of my life. But the unknown sometimes is so captivating.
Im a thinker, a writer and use that artistic side more then any other.
Is that so bad? You could tell me over and over to stop thinking about the past, to stop holding on to those things, to leave well enough alone. But will I? No, so dont say it! ;)

Little things bring me back to the childhood mind...Channel surfing and Landing on "clueless" hearing her say "you should always have something baking when a boy is coming over" made me laugh...I still think that is a true statement, and not just for boys (now that Im married)but in general. Candles, crockpot, or baking is usually taking place when I have company.
Something more HOMEY to have warm scent brewing in the air. Relaxes are bodies and eases the mind, I think.

Is it so bad to be reminded about our pasts?
Again its the little things.
Old Navy reminds me of a birthday where Jeanna gave me purple PJ pants that until they were more holey then together I wore them because they WERE THAT COMFORTABLE.
Marykay reminds me of my first day of 8th grade, spraying the crap out of my black polo shirt with one of the newest fragrances for that year.
Winding Hills park reminds me of the VERY last day of 8th grade and how life CHANGED forever there after.

I love Lucy, reminds me of my early first real babysitting job for the Foxes, and Also my first House in Iowa, where we didnt have cable TV for the first 2 full months. Still to this day, when Im lonely, I love Lucy (even with no sound on) comforts me. THe long road trips we took to get different places, almost running into insane storms. Packing 2 families and stuff in one van and driving 36 hrs together. Building a new life everytime Matt and I move. Managing to tolorate each others quirks while doing so. Loving being just us, with out trying to be something for someone else.

Coconut lime Smell reminds me of the Library at OCCC, where I "tried" to do most of my studying with those silly boys, and spent quality time in the stacks cubie holes up there, on the 2nd floor. :) :) lmao!To cleaning up nasty drunk boy pee from my back car seat from the previous night at a club,to being late to christmas eve dinner at my Aunts to be with said boy...to painting my bedroom gold and on purpose being in slutty short shorts FUN TIMES~ I was pregnant with Emily when I learned about His Death.
Wedding magazines remind me of highschool, me planted on my bedroom floor cutting out favorites and words and glueing them to my HUGE hardcovered photo album I got from my Aunt a few Christmas' earlier.

Tornados remind me of a ton of stuff, Like. Hiding in the cement hallway under Harmony during art class because of a big storm, that took out a few trees. And that tiny blue school house that used to be under the tree on the playground. It reminds me of The Movie Twister and that birthday debocal. It reminds me of the sirens that used to go off in Sumner and how ear piercing loud and scary they sound. It also reminds me of hiding in the bath tub with John the Summer we spent with our Grandparents in Iowa. The Same Summer I would have sworn a girl that went to my Grandpas church was a boy, the same summer, we spend watching the 4thof July parade from the sidewalk curb, just like in those small town movies!Collecting Candy and Even getting to ride high top of a RED convertiable. Which ultimately reminds me of my Grandpa, The way he smells, his Salt and peppery beard, HIS PREACHING that always stuck with me, the voice he had. My singing on his stage in Naperville Church. His fluffy Cat who was always hiding, The Movies he got us to watch like "the butchcreek Gang" and "georgia". Down in his basement with him was the first time I ever tried that queso dip, the orange Spicier one! (see little things like this, Its good to think of the past)Which then leads me to Gram, her giving into my sillyness and playing the paino for the so called Music I just wrote out, by copying notes from other books into different orders,she always humored me! Our trip to the Mall of America. How she curled her hair in the morning. Making Chili in her kitchen. BUFFY!!!!!!!!! R.I.P Buffy! Grams homemade biscuits. YUMMMMMMMMMY
Stopping on the border of Iowa and Illinois on the way to their house...why'd we stop on the border? (from what I remember it was the border but regardless) Grandpa stopped because it was raining on one side of the car, and not the other! :) Can never forget that!
That all leads to the last time I ever saw Paige. Her sweet funny smile, and tickling her on the hotel bed till she had enough and said "we have to talk" all serious, because She didnt want to be tickled anymore. Love you Paige! To the same trip memory of me telling Aunt Jo that Grandma bit Carter because he bit someone else...OOPS, guess I should have kept quiet!

Its ok to think back, to remember the good, the fun, the funny, the bad, and sad. Its ok. to Wonder what might have been. its not taking steps back, its not keeping yourself from moving forward, its being human. Its me, and Ill think back and know that even tho I might wonder sometimes...that Im thankful for the life I was given.

Course there are a few times I wish werent so dominate in my head...like...
The time I fell on my tush all the way down the library stairs at OCCC. Or the time I was running up the DOWN escalator and Then fell once I reached top and had to ride it back down to the ground. Or the time I was running during a football game to the other side and had my cheerleading Jacked stuffed into my spankies and had no idea till I ran all the way...:( ugh so sad! Or the time In junior high during one of those after school BASHes they had, where I was wearing BRIGHT lime green pants and started my period with out knowing and a boy was the only one to be brave and tell me! Thanks Royce!O.M.G how sad lol.
Which then thinking of Royce reminds me of St Bernards and man hair, ew!

and Kissing car rides during field trips and the Guy COOLIO!!!! AHHHHHH 5th and 6th grade FLASHBACK! to M05 and T90! bahaha, My dear Diary and Trips to West point. Flashbacks to Jellyfish kissing and Church lady, Michael and his drumset and pole dancing in the Church parking lot via Danny's car radio!

Flashbacks to being Drunk and fighting Tyler Flynn,ultimately breaking a speaker. then was humped by the kid Jasons Golden retriever, for turning my back to him to look out the window. To back yard campouts and having to use the bush as a bathroom where we swore we heard multiple foot steps run thru the stream near by!

I just realized, I have nothing to be sad about. While People may be missing in my life now, 2 of whoms death anniversary(if thats even ok to say) is coming up in alittle over a month. I have all these memories to keep me company. I can say that I lived, lived hard once, lived free once, lived on edge once, tried that, been there, and Still landed on my feet. I can close my eyes and have conversations with those I miss, Or I can call those who are still here on earth. I have friends I love. Family I love. And although I let little distance issues sometimes get me down, and make me think the worst, and I feel left out and lonely and sad that Im missing things, and Mad when I dont hear back from people sooner, rather then later. I know its me just being silly and petty and Lonely.
But I shouldnt feel that way. Im blessed 4x over. With more memories to be made. MANY MANY MORE