Woke up this morning, and just like every other morning the sound of my children yelling and crying and ready to start the day. Showered and Coffee Children eating their breakfast while Watching the Disney Channel. I with a towel still wrapped around my head thinking about "The Hours" The Movie of course. I havent read the Book by Michael Cunningham. however I now want to.
I was thinking about my most favorable line from the movie.
Where the Movie basically ends.
~ Dear Leonard. To look life in the face. Always to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it. To love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Leonard. Always the years between us. Always the years. Always the love. Always the hours.~
Beautifully Written. Beauitfully left By Virginia Wolf Years way past.
But I cant help but wonder about the state of mind, it took to Write these words. The Emotion, the thought, the process. The Day that these Novelists went through, as they formed their pieces of Art.
Which will bring me back to my Days of "Sentimental" And the 6th and 7th grade.I felt like a different person through out that grade, and spent more time scribbling scorned and forlorned words in my black and white Marbled notebook. Creating a bunch of Saddened and life beatened Characters. All Based around a teen pregnancy. I spent that entire year writing this. Forming this. Watching Leonardo Dicaprio in Romeo and Juliet and then in The Man in the Iron mask over and over. Laid out on my Bed that was STILL in the family room of our old School house, Making worse a situation for myself so that my writing was as scarred as I was making myself out to be.
I remember feeling Unloved, unliked and alone that year in school.
I remember kind of taking myself and making myself lonely. I had a relationship bump with Jeanna that year, we didnt talk for months. Until that day she and her mom randomly showed up at the unfinished school house to say "hello" and see its progress.
So to say that "sentimental" was my most Emotional piece, would be true. And I regret and I am sad that I literally threw it away. A year later reading threw the mess of it. I got annoyed and just was done. I regret not having it to look back on. TO try and make it into something. In the direction it was going.
The Movie the hours, if you arent into the flashback dramas, the low tones and narration of stories, then its not for you. But how could you not get into it once you begin? How could you not be Drawn in by lines like;
~ If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark. And that only I can know, only I can understand my own condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too. This is my right; it is the right of every human being. I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs but the violent jolt of the Capital. That is my choice. The meanest patient, yes, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription. Thereby she defines her humanity. I wish, for your sake, Leonard, I could be happy in this quietness. But if it is a choice between Richmond and death, I choose death.~
~ I am ungrateful? You call me ungrateful? My life has been stolen from me. I'm living in a town I have no wish to live in. I'm living a life I have no wish to live. How did this happen?~
~ Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of these terrible times again and I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices and can't concentrate. So I'm doing what seems to be the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I know that I'm spoiling your life and without me you could work, and you will, I know. You see, I can't even write this properly. What I want to say is that I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me. And incredibly good. Everything is gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been.~
Its a moving Movie, and Im sure the Book is only that much better. Ill know once I get my hands on a copy.
I was never really able to ever go back into that solitude of loneliness and write like i did. I was not able to flip through those pages of the Marbled notebooks. To Read what I felt and maybe take with me a piece of the feelings. I am not able to remember All the Words. But I can say I know about what I wrote. How the year went. Who my friends were, the Class I spent most of my time Writing in (that Bible class with the crazy box/clown lady)
The Aspect of Writing is much more then the technicalities of it. More then the placement of grammar, and more then Word placement. Its Emotion. Its taking uncalculated risks and just letting your mind run away with the characters. Its about Knowing the plot even if you dont know what you are going to say. Its about grasping the readers very soul and not letting go till the last page. Teasing them, making them keep coming back for more.
Speaking the truth, or in fiction, making the Fiction seem so truthful, that you forget, its just a story. One day, maybe when Im old and gray and living Just me and my husband, whos out hunting and fishing all day long. Leaving me and my cats to silence, Maybe then I can finally finish a FULL manuscript and get something in print. Its a dream I wont too soon let go of. And I have surely learned my lesson....IVE NEVER THROWN A NOTEBOOK OUT EVER AGAIN...and if I could go back...
Back to the hours...