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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Just think about it

Loyal.

Adjective.

Meaning;
1.faithful to the constituted authority of one's country
2.faithful to those persons, ideals, etc. that one is under obligation to defend, support, or be true to
3.relating to or indicating loyalty

Loyal is to be faithful to a cause,Ideal, Custom, institution or product.
According to Websters.

Loyal.

Being Loyal.

Staying Loyal.

Is what Im to speak about today. I spent the weekend thinking about this word, and now into today. Tuesday...Thoughtful Tuesday, Im bringing it to light again.

Many of us really do not know what is mean by that word. We can say till we are blue in the face that we are loyal. Most would respond to the question "what would a friend say you are?" "Loyal". But are you really?
Do you stand behind that person you care for and not falter?
Do you trust in their ways?
Do you relate to their lives in such a way, its as if you share the same Soul?

Maybe for some.
But lets be honest, Loyal is really another word that we throw around so easily. We want to believe we are loyal friends and partners as we gossip at the luncheon table. We want to be believe we are loyal while telling our personal life to our hair dresser. We Want to believe the loyalty we speak about having, that those we keep close, have it for us as well.

Loyalty to our country. We can speak about God Bless America and We love our Fighting Soldiers. But then curse the president and the debts that the Country is in. Speak about the epidemics and Bully nature of its citizens. So are you really Loyal?

Loyalty in a family. Ahhhh the area in which leaves as dangling at the way side more often then not. Ive been honored to know one Family in particular that Always seems to be loyal to each other. 2 if a include 1/8 of my immediate family. But if I sit here and honestly think about families I know. Im limited. I myself can not say Im loyal to family. I can not say I want to be loyal to some family. And that makes me sad.

Fact of the matter is. For myself. With in my family, I have witnessed some sad, and insane moments. Been a part of a few, and Hold grudges against most of them. See the hierarchy of my family, and wonder how things slip by. Things and facts that were once in question, are not anymore.
The only loyalty I seem to have is toward my Kids and my husband.
I have not faltered with my kids AND I should hope that because of my past, with regards to my childhood, and with the 1 family whos loyalty Ive always noiced, that that Will never happen.
My Loyalty to my husband, though our relationship and lives and destiny has been tested a few times, has never swayed. I remain dedicated to this life I swore myself to. And As I have seen things around me fall apart, and have been challenged by marriage. Here I am standing. Have I spoke about the troubles?....YES! Have I said evil things, and belittled anyones name in this case? NO! So I believe that makes me loyal.

Its funny the things that Have changed me.
Course the biggest changes comes from Sophia. Being a mom to 3 beautiful kids and MOVING all the time.
But who would have thought, that my time During my pregnancy with Ryan, in New York. Would have made the Change begin. It was. I realized then, what I was able to with stand. Where to balance my thoughts, how to consentrate on whats important. How to hide. How to put on that happy face when I was feeling annoyed. I learned about that part of my families Loyalty and my Lack of Loyalty to them. With exception of my brothers. Who I will always stand and fight to the death for. Miles and empty non conversations have come between the Twins and I now. But...I know my feelings for them, John and my mother knows my feelings for them. And I should hope they do as well, despite the chirping Im sure goes on in their ears.
John, whom Ive become super close with, I like to think. Has literally become one of my bestest friends. We may not have played and liked each other much growing up, and fought and I made fun of him and got mad at him, but even after all that, I was his sister, and I love him and we always got past it. and Now here we are. Close! Loyal!

Even in the last month or so. I have noticed even more the lines of loyalty disappearing. Some people I have considered close has stabbed me with Words I will never forget. Friended Those I refuse to be affliated with. Took digs at People I do hold loyalty to.
True I am not with out fault. But I took of my mask In August and my breathing has NEVER BEEN BETTER.

My Mother is prime example of someone who is quick to be loyal. Who sees good in most people before realizing there evil. And visa versa, Knew exactly what would happen in certain cases.
Back when I was pregnant with Sophie, she kept saying "shes trying to live my life. Shes trying to be all you kids mom, shes going to take them from me"....
We, kept saying NO MOM, NO MOM, thats not true, that will never happen. Dont be paranoid.
YET! Here we are almost 3 years later
And everything she said came true. Even I was captured into the web.
She (whos name I will not say) has not only taken my dad, and his money, but my mothers property, the house my parents always talked about building, and WON over us kids (tho some for just as short time) to now, A certain family side, has been won over as well. STOLEN.
AND defended by family who knows me better, but defends the facade.
So tell me....Where was my mother wrong?
I learned my lesson on where my loyalty should had always remained, hmmm, that was another life lesson that has changed me to who I am at this moment.

To my mothers Loyalty in Friendship. Shes been lost a few times, and puts her feelings on her sleaves. Isnt always recipicating (sp?) and can sometimes push friends away. Shes my mother, I know that side of her lol (love you mama)
But The biggest smack in the face for her, was her friendship with a certain E.S.S.M. Who Is not a nice person. In fact another person who only shows whats under her mask to those who stand in her way. LIKE ME!
This woman...little miss wanna be perfect E.S.S.M. While I was on the phone with my mother after a long day of her not showing up. Had Nothing but vial words for me.
I had been waiting since 9am for my mom who said she'd be home after Snowy roads were clear...then at noon, again saying plows were still on E.S.S.M. road. At which point I only had 3 diapers left for Soph. And ASked my mom to bring me some soon, I had cash to give her back, but no car, because we were dropped off at her house. She said ok, be home soon......hrs went by and by 6 that evening I still hadnt heard from her. So when I called her saying I was leaving because I couldnt wait any longer and arranged for a ride...She started crying. Miss E.S.S.M was in the back calling me a "f%$^ing B%tch, f%$^ing C%nt, rude, rude, Sharon shes a horrible daughter to you, just F%$^ing Hang up, Hang up Sharon, Hang Up" I will never forget the sound in her voice, the words she was saying to me, the time on the clock, the place I stood in my moms house, and the fact Sophie was on my hip. I never liked E.S.S.M but that was the END of my ever wanting my mom to hangwith her. and Hoped that My mom would defend me on the phone.......but her control over my mom at that point was obvious, for my mother said nothing...so I hung up and left.
Not to mention how shes treated John on the phone using the same tone and language, nor how shes treated my mom in front of my younger brothers. Then she sits there, spreading lies and telling family friends lies that conviently leave herself out of the CRAZY story shes telling. EVIL WITCH. Who wears a mask. Who stands at a Podium in front of a Bible study and speaks of how shes a God fearing Woman. Who bold face lies to save face, but see how those around her react to a story.
My mother had loyalty to a falt with this one. I literally thanked the Lord When She told me they are not friends anymore.

Point is. Loyalty shows up where you want it to be. And sometimes it shows up according to Whos story you want to believe. Im not the most loyal friend, or partner, I have faithfulness to an extent. Its hard. its Hard to make and to keep. But its one of my new words I wont so easily use.
Its been a long road of learning for me. And Growing, and changing and falling, and standing. Ive now become a trust worthy person. You can trust me to be honest now, you can trust me to have your back, you can trust me to tell you how I see things. You can trust me to be there for you. But I wont say Im 100% loyal, because that would be a lie. Im doing everything I can to stop lieing. That includes to myself and to those around me.

So ask yourself this...What is being Loyal to you? And can you say with out a doubt, with out thinking about it too long, with out saying :"well..." That you are loyal? To one things? Some things? all friends? some friends? all family? your own family?



Thoughtful Tuesday Friends~ Just Think about it!