Wednesday, August 3, 2011

released for peace

Learning Curve up a head, a road sign I missed a few nights ago. A few of them missed actually...

There has always been times in my life, where I never really spoke on my feelings. I let them simmer. Quitely. In a room often then left to forget.
I like to take the passive approach mostly to confrontation. Love Drama, on my TV or in a book, or my own manuscripts, but actual Life Drama, Raises my Cortisol levels beyond belief. UGHH the fatal attack of stress that literally feeds my cells...

Then what happens is one day, that memory of anger comes back. Stronger, because of the festering I left it to do.
No matter what the catalyst for the blow out was, any left over problems I never addressed SURFACES. Showing its ugliest of Colors.
And that is what happened this weekend.

Anger May not be the prettiest Suit of Armor...But sometimes, for people like me, Its the only thing we wear once A battle eminences.
It may not be Healthy...but I guess leaving all that pent up drama isnt either. You May become your own worst Enemy with in those fighting Words of Anger...but then you also Released SO much pressure that Was built up.

Dr. Laurence J. Peter Said "Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”
So much truth rattles when I read that.

Good Ole Benjamin Frankle said “Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one”
and The Wise Buddha quoted “Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.”

Which Thank You Buddha, that hit the Nail on the Head. resentment! Truth with in me that Sent me into a whirl wind.
Though,not for any reason, a certain someone Tried to point out. Its not about being Jealous or envying what I believe to be false anyway. its about pure and utter Resentment...Of how Things were handled 2 years ago...and Actually even further. My Loating of my family's current position. My resentment that People wear Rose colored Glasses and do not know how to see past the end of their own nose.
The father, not truly stepping up as a father on his own accord, but because of the relationship he sits in. SITS yes, What is active? Being pushed, Manipulated,led to, walked too, convinced...its not by one own accord. RESENTMENT RESENTMENT RESENTMENT that turned into hate.

I lost my cool, for sure. But do I regret saying what I said? Not at All. Do I regret the manner in which it was done? absolutely. Would I take it Back? Never.
As things in my life draw me closer to being Free of all insanity, outside and inside my own life, I feel all those Demons rising to be Dealt with ONE BY ONE!

This situation made me I was asked..."what is the real reason for my anger?"...resentment, as I have come to terms with. With whom does that resentment Lie? With BOTH OF THEM. The SHADY ones who spent a year+ destoring their very own character, and has been trying to rectify them ever since. One would guess its from a guilty Conscience, I do not believe ANY of their Actions Were done with out shear Malice, themselves. Nor do Ibelieve they Live Conscously like they try and point out...WHY because they screwed themselves and now are trying to find there way back to even. With the Herbs and spices, sweat lodges for clarity and Bible Reading but Not a christian?
Supposedly Doing Good deeds with out the benefit of receiving something later for themselves??? Trying to be nice and Give their time and energy to a separate Family, to win over Votes and energy? be Liked? despite the shit storm they previously had a hand in creating....and say nothing is out of Malice themselves...that its only me whos Mean spirited? But Still had asked me to write a Letter denouncing my mothers very character, and when I couldnt even Choke out a word I would even say,so she sends a SAMPLE letter of what would be nice for it to which then contained 75% of pure disgust. I declined. Mom my is my Blood, my brothers are my blood...what do I share with you?

To be Disowned once, for Denying them the right to have this secret relationship...Forgiven dad, but so not forgotten. Then to not even hear a word from HIM this week since the ANGER letter I vomitted up to his love affair...NOT A WORD!!!! and stupid me was shocked? Yea Silly me.
Because He has his own prize family now. The Perfect house wife and golden Child of NOTHING WRONG. When all the while, My letter contained his name over and over...meaning I wasnt just targetting her, meaning my "MALICE" was speaking of him as well. But nothing. NO fight? no questions from him?No why Becci? why are you angry with us? NO why now are you showing your feelings about the divorce? NOTHING! Goes to show nothing has changed. And what I see to have changed is a product of his love affair.

Pride...I have a ton of it, mixed in with my bullheaded snarky-ness. Prideful. very.
Sisterly pride of all my brothers, regardless to my interaction with them. The miles and the age difference has Weakened our relationship. ANd my Not wanting to call that house, has stopped pretty much all communication to them. But not because OF not caring, Not because I dont love them,and wish to know them, but because I cant stomach the thought I cant freely ask them their feelings, especially those feelings of how they feel living amongst prodical Child and a Heavenly Angel keeping guard?
Dont get me Wrong, The Prodical Son, is amazing, and funny, and charming...but also A product of his mother. Whom is manipulative and sneaky. AS I saw much more between the relationship of him and my brothers while I was living their, then the Blind Horses of the house even knew went down...God Forbide I warn my father,Like I did, it summed up to me being a crazy hormonal, prideful sister, who took the works of a newly blended family harshly, because they were working out kinks...
Blended Family? No theres no marriage there. And Rolls she took on was from the beginning because she put herself there, and cant get out now.

I love my bratty brothers :) Hard to handle, bull headed, snappy, and messy, Smart and Loving, Unlabeled, or labeled.

Dont speak to me about fearing my brother being labeled for an apparent struggle in school and being social. When I myself am A true Advocate for my DEAF daughter, and for friends who have Children, that Sadly the World looks differently on as well. My support is always there, and love and My view for them has never changed. Labels dont fear me, people using what ever the label is, as an excuse or a cop out, or a reason for whatever is wrong, bothers me. Like My brother didnt fit into the "perfect" world you live in, is different and challenging, and you needed to give Trouble a name, so it wasnt like you were holding his difference against him...WHICH you were because I have witnessed it!
LABELS!!! ~*~*~LAUGHS~*~*~ how dense.
Ill give you one thing, Autism. More I looked into it, and After speaking with my mother, who reminded me about his REAL odd habits, she helped me come to terms with them...OHH wait because hmm lets see, SHES OUR MOM! and she knows best! and the real things to point out! I went spewing out anguish. To which Im sure will continue. But to say your not the real problem is your own self denial. You dont want to be blamed for anything Not of Concious living....excuse me while I BARF!
It is you, it is my father, it is manipulation and toe stepping and resentment and annoyance. Not about my So called woman issues...where would that have come from, or my trust issues.
I trust what I feel, and what I feel about you, after years of evalution.
I trust what My brothers say to myself, and my mother in confidence.

what set off ALL my suspended anger was feeling like You are nothing but an intruder, and your hemp mask is bound to fall off sooner or later.

Slippery road I felllllllllllll right now, crashed and burned whatever door I had to even try and speak with my brothers, and whatever relationship was left with my own father.Slippery road led me to LOTS of personal resentment.
But now that I spoke my peace FINALLY. Im feeling better. Ive been sleeping so soundly.
Im in this amazing place in my life, with my family I created. This life we built, and This side bar,will help humble me.
Its a winding road, ups and downs, shoulders and cliffs. And Ill make it just fine out the other side, thank you! Because I actually am Happy, and I actually do have my head on facing the right way. I actually am over being fake...are you?

released for peace