Monday, August 1, 2011

...eventually things need to be talked about

Feeling, a bit torn and Mad. At the story Ill share pieces of and at myself as well. Understand, that Im angry at SO much, Stuff Im far away from and well bitter still about. People who stick their nose in too far, mind control, Broke up homes, and Puts up fronts. People who hide behind a mask, and dont say the truth, doormats and uninvolved former life preachers.
cracker jack lifestyles and crack pot analogies that Like Vomit, seem to come out abrupt and unstoppable. Secrets and thinkng one knows better...when in reality, just wants to fix something that they dont see that "FITS" well into their life, or match the personality they have, Label something thats out of their control, as if it were to then give them AN EXCUSE to say something nasty.And also in this case prove a point.

Now, lets speak alittle truth. Being adopted into this family, Ive never considered myself anything less...then BLOOD. To my family, including my Aunts and uncles, Cousins and Grandparents, Brothers and my parents. But...while that remains true, I feel as tho I kind of stuck out like a soar thumb at the same time. Short...Chubster, Darker hair and personality. I was different. And thats ok. It was John and I for the better part of our family's history. Just us! AND our cousins. Whom we were really close with. It was Church twice sometimes 3 times a week. it was Mother daughter Dinners Sometimes Aunt and niece in place of the Daughter mother dinner which was so fun. It was family fishing days with the Church, Luncheons at the pastors homes. Praying before we ate Dinner as a family. Nothng is perfect, my parents relationship wasnt perfect, But I didnt know Any better at the time. Life was How I thought every family was. We had slumber parties and birthday bashes at cool places. Annual trips to the Beach for a few days in the summer, Road trips as a family to reunions down south. Dysfunction, wasnt known by my Doe eyes. John and I fought all the time, werent close for the most part, but again..."normal"
I cant say that to be true for Zach and Thomas. Things as I grew older, Were way different. Maybe A new look on Old things, but regardless. The 10 year gap between I and the Twins was apparent...which..."a parent" they lacked. No offense to my parents, they did their best in the circumstance that God Had in store. With Johns Illness and my Bitchy teen-ness. 2 very little Boys, were kind of LEFT to the wind. Family Ties were being undone, from all ends, from with in our home and outside with Family. Known of us, Handles Johns illness as well as we should have...but I guess thats where the True realization of dysfunction started to crawl out from the barrel it was kept in for so long.
But wheres that put TJ and Zach? How was their future set? How was their view and opinion on life made? They didnt have the family John and I had..even if it wasnt TRUE for John and I, The Picture we had made how each one of us grew up so different. THey werent Allowed Sleep overs that often, they didnt make good friends they held close and stayed close with their entire Elementary lives with acception to the Angelo Family, who really is Technically Family anyway. They ddnt Know Mom in her FUN FUN FUN state, or see how she interacted all crazy with her friends (HHHAAAA AUNT MENTAL)Or Enjoy VBS or Sunday school. NOTHING FOR THEM was steady.
They didnt even get the Aunt and UNcle Treatment John and I got, Like the Annual trips to the Ulster COunty fair, with just us and Pam, or Sleep overs at our cousins homes, and pool parties and pony rides. Life was drastically DIFFERENT! Different Time, Older cousins by then, and Negative Energy people just didnt want to be around. Slowly, Family apple picking stopped, and Christmas gatherings changed to early days, No more Fun thanksgivings at Grandma Dietz and long Car rides, to Seaside New Jersey...if they even remember any of that,it was from when they were Under 5 years old...
Now, Im long gone, a family of my own.
I may not know my brothers that well. What they are into, or like, dont like, or even want for their future.
But one thing remains certain. I am their sister, we are family, and Thats not going to change. Im going to stand up for them, and hope that one day,they will see Exactly what I see looking outside in. BOYS who want to be involved in their life decisions, Boys who want to be included and not left behind, or have choices made for them when they are able to make it WITH those trying to decide whats best.

Im sad, this family has fallen so far away from eachother. Im sad I cant be right there in the middle, Im sad that things happened the way they have.

This blog has taken a huge turn. I went from blind rage of hatred and annoyance to now A blank mind. With no idea what I need to say, or do, or to whom I should be speaking with.

So Im lost, wondering and wishing My Brothers the best! And that the next 2 years FLY BY for them.